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Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather

9/24/2005

Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather

I have had to confront yet another parent & child sex discussion today. It has not even been two weeks since the fiasco with Grandpa getting some at the nursing home. Hell, this may even be karmic retribution for my post about Grandpa. Karma is such a bitch.

My mom & I were harmlessly chatting about trying to get a bank transaction reversed. Then she decided to click on the 'profile' button. She in fact did not get her profile, but got mine instead.
Welcome to one of the most mortifying conversations of my life...

Me: Transaction services sent me to card services, card services sent me to ach, but ach is out of the office so they sent me to accounting. Ok, I may have gotten it corrected, so just check the fax in a little while. Gretchen is going to tell Sarah the new fax number
Mom: ok
Me: It'll be some sort of half filled out ACH transaction form
Mom: k
Me: Basically it is authorizing the unauthorizing of my prior authorization
Me: Fun hey?
Mom: confusing collarme.com?? {On the off chance it isn't apparent Collar Me is a BDSM Site}
Me: what>
Mom: accidentally clicked profile and it is yours not mine
Me: don't look
Mom: not anymore
Mom: too scary
Me: hah
Me: Anyway, because it is within 60 days the cu seems to think it wont be an issue

Notice how NOT smoothly I handle that? Could I have deflected suspicion any more poorly?? Maybe said it was like Petco and I like shopping for cat collars there? Granted then she may have looked at it. Groan. On the one hand it was sort of my fault for having it out there, but my mom is no chat goddess or anything. The threat should have been minimal at best.

I adore my mom & we are very close, not this close. My mom is a sweet, if not naive person. Most of the seedier things in life she has learned because she had me as a daughter.

Yes, I am into BDSM. I am also more than comfortable with my kink status. I am not open, but not totally closeted about my sexual proclivities. Since I live with my mom she is bound (no pun intended) to notice a few things. I have a pin on my purse that says dominate, but it was a gift from a dear friend. I have black leather knee high boots. My blog & some of my other handles are prefaced with the word 'kinky'. However, none of these things scream sexual deviant quite the way a link to Collar Me does.
Oh, but I do recall our first conversation about handcuffs going about as well. It was a Sunday morning, the paper is being read, coffee is being drank...
Mom: (whispers something)
Me: What?

Mom: (attempting to be cool) I said you need to be more careful about leaving your handcuffs out.
{My mind is racing for why this has come up. What has she found? What does she know?}

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: You left them on the staircase ledge {The stairs have an upper & lower ledge, my mom does not ever come upstairs unless she thinks I am dead}
Me: Oh, those handcuffs? I won them when Adrianna & I were at the arcade after dinner. You know, you win tickets and trade them in for stuff? {Sadly this is true, I was drunk & won them at the arcade, hell they were still in the box}

Mom: Oh, ok. Well, you still shouldn't leave that stuff laying around.

Me: What were you even doing upstairs?

Mom: I had to take the flooring guy up to measure the spare room. Luckily I saw them sitting there, grabbed them, shoved them under my shirt & snuck them into your bedroom before he could see them.

Me: (laughing hysterically) Ok, was it worth the 007 effort to make sure the flooring guy didn't see the handcuffs?
Mom: What would he think if he had?!?!

Me: I'm not boring in bed?

God, my poor mother.

**Update: Ok, apparently I misunderstood my mom. Tonight she decided to revist the Collar Me issue. Why? I have no clue. Anyway, it seems she did in fact click on the link. She actually said "I thought it was some BLOGGING thing". Then in some attempt to bond with me proclaims that she doesn't like swingers. Well, good mom because I'm into beating on boys. I mean what the hell do you say in that situation? I'd just like to crawl in a hole & die now.

17 Comments:

Nice one. On the bright side, your Mom can never ever say that she's bored with life.

Cheers!
Raj.

http://thoughtsofaman.blogspot.com

7:23 PM  

Hilarious. And your mother not only has a great daughter, but one who is educational as well. Not every mom is so lucky.

Did I mention you're gonna kill me on Battle of the Blogs?

collarme.com ... slays me!

10:17 PM  

Hah, it didn't even register that was your blog when I took it. I'm use to seeing Eric, not your BE user name. My bad.
If it makes you feel better I think you get my blog more than the voting crowd.

I'm just glad at least two ppl find my pain funny. I mean I thought it was.

10:31 PM  

It does, thanks!

But you won on your own merits. If I had a mom-bondage misunderstanding story I might have been more competitive :-)

11:21 PM  

When you really need to worry is when you come home and some of your implements are "missing," ... and later you find them downstairs.

That's in the dictionary--look under "Ewwww."

-- d.a.

2:29 PM  

Yes, and any unlabelled videos need to remain unwatched. You'll be glad you resisted the urge.

1:45 AM  

That was hysterical. If it were my mom I'd just say "It could be worse mom, I could be the girl under 7 guys on a porn video."

1:50 AM  

Eric...The worst part is my mom is like the anti-deviant. The woman has never owned a sex toy, never been in a porn store...her boyfriend is even more conservative (another good story there). Shit, I think I should have a srewy sex story blog.

Riss - Damn, why didnt I think of that!

12:51 PM  

reminds me of a few years ago i was housesitting for my grandmother. the electricity went out. looked in the hallway closet for a flashlight and found the vibrator of a 75 year old woman.

if that wasn't bad enough, the box advertised the different attachments including one called the "legionnaire's moustache".

not only is it gross. but it's depressing that my grandmother has cooler novelties than i do.

1:12 PM  

That is too funny. Reminds me of the time I was watching Sex and the City with my mom and it turned out to be the "Funky Spunk" episode. It took a while to figure out whether it bothered me more that I was watchin it with her or that she was laughing so hard...

3:28 PM  

Well.It is quite a humorous incident!
But I wouldnt be caught dead with such stuff on me! :)
Forget a credit card!Im too young to have one!

Anyway,great blog but you need more posts like this one....

-Mohan

1:23 PM  

ROFLMAO ! nice one !!!

Poor mom

Internet Humor Sucks

2:25 PM  

I decided to start my own blog. Consider yourself a trend-setter.

Uncle Rob

3:50 PM  

Nice one. On the bright side, your Mom can never ever say that she's bored with life.

pariah

10:02 PM  

LOL! Great stuff!

The benefits of living on my own...

12:01 PM  

funny story--aren't you glad other people can laugh at your uncomfortable situations.

6:12 PM  

before reading the update, I thought the cuffs were for you. I still think they'd make a nice accessory for your wrist

10:08 AM  

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