Quarter Lifer

Home Sweet Home

2006-06-14T08:36:00.000-05:00

Somedays you can't help but love where you live....

Stupid People In Large Groups Are Dangerous

2006-06-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I avoid shopping on weekends like the plague.
Why?
Mostly to avoid commiting several acts of homicide in one day. The weekend is some sort of dinner bell for the stupid masses to all come out at once, drive 10 mph under the speed limit & generally fuck up my day. When I run errands on the weekend I usually have a list. I just want to get my shit & get back to the safety of my house. When I can not do my shit in a timely fashion I get rather aggitated.

So I have devised a theory:
- Weekend shoppers are actually cults of stupid people meeting up with 'their kind'.
- Christmas shopping is their annual stupid people convention.

I'm pretty sure the convention motto is "Huh?"

Case in point:

Last weekend my aunt called me to help her fix her computer. This is one of my least favorite activities for several reasons:
1) She still uses AOL Dial up & wonders why her computer is always jammed full of spyware.
2) She always wants me to fix her chat monitoring software - Sorry, I have moral issues with spying on kids who haven't done anything wrong.
3) She insists on writing down everything I do even though she could never replicate the processes herself. This adds at least an hour to my visits.

In order to make the dreaded house call more worthwhile I decided to pick up some laptop speakers from Compusa. I know exactly what I want. There is no good reason for this to be more than a 10 minute endeavor. I allowed enough time to get to Comp, grab the speakers & make it to my aunt's house by 4pm on Sunday. I was in line at approximately 3:45. I would continue to stand in line behind exactly one patron for the next 20 minutes.

How is this possible considering my flawless planning you ask? BECAUSE I WAS IN LINE BEHIND THE MOST FUCKING INEPT SHOPPER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

The man in front of me had exactly 5 items (3 crappy routers, a pair of headphones & a single can of air). Do you know why I distinctly remember the number of items? Because he insisted on having each item rung up seperately. He clearly didn't have this plan when he got up to the cashier, but had decided to wing it. Which left me standing there watching this man's thought process unfold before my eyes. I can say with great confidence he was no rocket scientist. If not for his overly suburban 'I so drive a mini-van' attire I wouldn't have even consider him for the position of rocket janitor.
The rest of the ordeal played out like this:
1) Man decides he wants one item rung up seperately from the other four items. Apparently because there is some sort of rebate involved. He pays with his credit card.
2) Man decides he wants the next two items rung up together, but seperate from the remaining two items.
3) Man changes his mind - Decides he wants the two items seperate from each other. He pays for each item with his credit card.
4) Man decides that the headphones & canned air can be rung up together. Again he reaches for his credit card.
5) Stop the fucking presses - He changes his mind AGAIN. Apparently there might be a rebate on the headphones & those need to be individually rung up as well. Out comes the plastic card of doom. I am pretty sure the magnetic strip has worn off by now. My hostility level has become sufficeintly high enough that I briefly consider grabbing the card from him, slicing his jugular open with it in a Macgyver-esque fashion & then possibly doing a ritual dance in his blood. I figure then he would at least be able to sympathize with how bad my day was going.
6) Finally, we get to the last item: After 2 bags, 5 transactions & 20 some minutes of my life that I will never get back... the end is in sight.
Or so I thought....
With nothing left but a $5.67 can of air, yes AIR as in the shit you breathe for free every second of your life, he stops to contemplate cash or credit? He opts for cash which then leads him to pull out his coin purse looking thing - It was the old man kind that you squeeze and it opens up. Which actually looks wildly similar to a pocket pussy....

After digging around in his coin pussy for what seemed like an eternity he decided he didn't have exact change and gave the woman $6 in cash. So, now I have to wait for change to be made & of course, one more receipt to print.

After the man left I felt it was my duty to voice my frustrations to the cashier. I was hoping for some sort of 'Wasn't he an idiot?' bond to form. Unfortunately, she must have been a cult member in her off time since she didn't seem at all phased by the previous customer.
Then the final kick in the head...The cashier tells me that she could have just printed out multiple copies of the receipt for his rebate forms.
YOU DUMB CUNT, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM THAT INSTEAD OF ME?!?!?!

No more weekend shopping for me for awhile. They sell things on the internet for a reason - To keep people like me sane.

If You Are In Marketing Or Advertising...Kill Yourself

2006-05-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

I recently mentioned I have become so irritated with the state of television that I've decided to make my rants on the topic a semi-regular post. Today my beef is primarily with commercials....

Name That Tune...
Maybe I'm getting to the age when you start to notice these things, but I was really depressed to see what music is now backing commercials. I understand there have been many sellouts when it comes to adding music to commercials. However I still expect there to be some relevance between the music & whatever piece of crap product is being sold to me. I also don't want any commercial played so much that I forget there was once a real musician behind the song & that it wasn't always used to hock hemorrhoid cream.

Examples
1) Blondie - One Way or Another
Not too long ago I was having a drink at a local martini bar & I heard this song come over the speakers. It occurred to me that my first thought wasn't of Debbie Harry or BCBG's or punk rock. My first though was in fact of the Swiffer. Thinking about dusting while at a bar is depressing. To make it worse I then began to think that things I consider music history to today's kids is nothing more than a jingle for sweeping with little to no meaning in the grand scheme of things.

2) Ann Wilson & Mike Reno - Almost Paradise
Is this a sappy, straight out of the eighties cheesy ballad? Well, yeah. However, it is also the love theme from Footloose. Footloose is one of those classic, so my childhood, girly movies that just happens to hold a special place in my heart. Dancing, young Kevin Bacon & Sarah Jessica Parker, an angry John Lithgow....What more could you want?
Taking that into account, imagine my surprise to hear the song on my TV the other day. I wasn't in the room so I missed the product the song was now being associated with. Luckily, all good commercials are played to death & it was only a matter of time before I got another chance to see it. I have yet to figure out exactly what the point of the commercial is, but I now know it is for M&M's & has something to do with the backseat of a car. Sounds kind of dirty for candy, but then again I put no limit on the lengths marketing people will go to to make a buck. Regardless of what the "plot" is the song has been ruined for me.

3) Tone Loc - Wild Thing
I enjoy this song, but don't really have any profound emotional attachment to it. What I do know is this is probably NOT the song I would choose to represent Mother's Day. Of course I am not the people at Kmart. You read that right - Kmart is celebrating the woman who brought you into this world with a Monsters of Rap classic. I don't know about the rest of you but I can't not resolve buying mom a kmart diamond necklace (as if that isn't bad enough) with the following lyrics:

I keyed the door we cold hit the floor looked up and it was her mother
I didn't know what to say I was hanging by a string
She said "Hey you two I was once like you and I liked to do the wild thing"

I guess it'd be nice to have a sympathetic mom should you get caught having sex, but I think there are better reasons to appreciate my mom.

The Era of Prescription Pimps...
Ok, we have all adjusted to the overly informative yet highly unnecessary prescription drug commercials nowadays. Thanks to these commercials I now know more than I ever wanted to about all kinds of shit. Why just the other day I found out the appropriate term for "My dick won't go down!" is priapism.
The most frustrating part is there is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON for any of these commercials to exist. First off, the ads are for a specific drug, that regardless of how many commercials they run is ONLY available from a doctor. Hopefully a doctor you trust enough to make these recommendations for you. Unless of course you are one of those people who enjoys being brainwashed & actually do believe everything you see on TV.
My next beef is the drugs advertised tend to be expensive, but highly specific. I find it hard to believe that limp dick is as big of a problem as my TV seems to think it is. If erectile dysfunction really is causing a nationwide catastrophe I have some very attractive, fully functioning men I can introduce you to.
Lastly, it irritates me to no end to know that the commercial being played is driving up the costs of already outrageously priced medications. During my recent bout of unemployment I could still afford my doctor & dentist even though I didn't have insurance. Why? Because those are real people who were willing to help me through a rough patch as opposed to forcing me to forgo my health.
Guess what breaks my budget every time I'm without insurance? Prescriptions. At 26 yrs old I have all of three scrips I need - Celexa, Allegra-D & my birth control. Prior to the first two coming out in generic those 3 medications equal approximately $243.97, almost 25% of my monthly income while on unemployment. Even buying generic the total is still upwards of $175 per month. Do you think Walgreens cares if I'm broke? Think the prescription companies would let me pay in installments? Hell no. They have to fund those fucking commercials.

Some of my favorite pill popping commercials...
1) Flomax
First off, is this just the worst name ever for a drug that helps you pee better?
Anyway, Flomax is aimed at men who have a enlarged prostate, but not prostate cancer. What percent of the average TV viewing audience is this going to interest? Are there lots of enlarged prostates running around & I just missed a memo?
Relevance aside, at the end of this commercial when the various side effects are being rambled off (if only I were making this up) it actually says:
"When starting Flomax avoid situations where injury may occur"
I don't know about everyone else, but I try to avoid situations where injury may occur EVERYDAY. Should I incur an injury I'd hope it was not due to my own stupidity or the fact that I forgot to avoid injury that day. Also, in order to avoid all injury you would basically have to lay on the floor of an empty room, not move much & hope no natural disasters hit where you are located.

2) Achoo!
The allergy people love commercials yet somehow seem to come up with the worst marketing stategies. I remember Allegra ran some of the original prescription commercials. During a speed binge I decided to go off for a good 20 minutes about how no one skis on grass whether they have allergies or not. If only I had known then the horror yet to come....
- Astelin: Under no circumstances should I ever be forced to hear grown men singing doowop (while wearing shirts that spell out a word when lined up no less) to a woman stuck in traffic. If that honestly makes you think about seasonal allergies you have bigger problems.
- Nasonex: A French bee can seduce other bees better when not bogged down by his allergies. I realize sex sells, but allergy meds? I think that is stretching it.

Show Me The Money...
The investment commercials are no better. I understand the commercials that are keeping all those former Law & Order stars working. However, the new Charles Schwab ones drive me nuts. They have apparently decided to ditch actual actors & instead voice over these animated investors. I guess that would be ok if the animations reminded me of people. They don't. The "people" in these commercials actually look like bad photographs which have been attacked by someone with a pension for the palette knife photoshop filter.

Usual reality TV ranting...
Because it isn't bad enough we have reality TV shows, we also have to have commercials for them. Two I found particularly troubling:
- Shalom in the Home: The Jew in an RV concept is unnerving enough, but did we have to have the theme song concocted by the same brilliant mind that gave us The Nanny theme?
- King of Cars: This is A&E's latest attempt at a downward spiral in viewership. As if real car salesmen aren't enough to make you chew off your own leg to get away now we get to watch them on TV. The show started airing the first week of April. By the second week of May they were running ads to tune in for 'King of Cars: The Lost Pilot". My first reaction was 'Well, it can't be too lost since you only have five fucking episodes total'. Then I started thinking about the last 'lost pilot' I had seen - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That one made much more sense to me because A) I didn't know it existed until the 7th/final season of Buffy & B) Oh, yeah that was actually a successful show, with a long run and good writing. King of fucking Cars has been on for ONE MONTH. If they were going to lose something in the first month the show was on I wish it had been the whole fucking cast.

Rant over...I'm sure the TV bitching will continue on a semi-regular basis until I crack & stop paying for cable altogether in an attempt to save my intelligence.

The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 2

2006-05-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

Lies.... I am with the above image on this one: Every silver lining has a cloud. I've never been much of a glass half full kind of girl anyway, but I thought I had found something that shouldn't have much of a downside: Weight Loss.

Getting skinny has a downfall? Oh yes my friends, you have no idea until you get to go through this lovely experience. I am going to share all the things those before & after bastards fail to mention.

My life as a California Raisin:
I remember the first time the penis pump was explained to me from the male perspective. Basically I was told 'You know if you wash a sweater & hang dry it on a hanger it gets all out of shape? There isn't any more sweater there than there was before, it's just all stretched out & distorted so it seems like there is more. Same thing with the penis pump'.
Guess what? The same fucking thing happens when you lose weight! I have enough skin to cover my weight about 50 lbs ago, except I don't need it anymore. If you think that shit just bounces back overnight you are sorely mistaken. I've read shit, talked to people, etc and no one can agree on what my skin will do. Some say I will need plastic surgery to fix it, others say wait a year or two and it will be fine. Fab. So either I win the lotto so I have the expendable income for cosmetic surgery or I spend the next two years waiting to see how much of my deflated ass bounces back.
Do I want the 50 lbs back? No.
Are my clothes smaller & sexier? Yes.
Do I feel better about myself? Maybe...
As long as I'm not butt naked everything passes for okay. However, when naked I look like the aforementioned stretched out sweater. I look like what I am, a deflated fat girl. Now, why on earth do I do a million crunches only to discover I look worse naked than I did before? Losing 50 lbs sounds great on paper, but I'd have thought twice about it if someone had shown me the 'After' picture:

Yep, I have spent the last 6 months working my ass off to end up with body of a dead grape. Fuck, I'm so thrilled.

Crotchless Pants:
Another fun side effect of weight loss is going to buy new clothes. Again, as a woman this should be some sort of fantasy - 'Let me get this straight, everything looks good on me & I constantly need a smaller size than the one I grab? Kick fucking ass'.
Or not.
You may end up like me. I have plateaued in between two sizes. If I go to the larger size, everything sort of fits, but it's baggy. I end up with this sort of corporate raver look that I may have loved 10 years ago, but not so much anymore. I also end up with the top of my pants sticking out. Not because I fill the pants out but because they sit out further than my stomach actually is. I believe this is why people have belts. I've been a fat girl my whole life & do not understand things like belts. Belts are for skinny girls who actually where shirts that allow you to see the top of their pants. Since my belly is still not worth showing anyone I feel no need to own a belt. Thus I'm left with lumpy crotch & pants that hang so loose that I chronically forget to zip them. Since it doesn't seem to improve the fit by zipping them, lately I've just been forgetting the whole step. Probably not a good idea considering I usually go commando.
The other alternative is to choose the smaller size. These clothes look better on me & fit really well if they are more expensive. However since I hope to lose 15 - 20 more pounds at least I don't want to spend too much money on clothes just yet. So I went to Kohls this weekend to find some pants in the price/quality range of greater than Walmart, less than a department store. You know what I found out? If I grab the size 12 it fits everywhere, except for one place....the crotch. Now I'm not sure what happens between the 12 & the 14 in misses exactly, but I know that if I want to wear the 12 which looks nice I have to spend my days with fabric wedged so far up I worry my pants are scraping my cervix. As comfy as living in camel toe hell all day sounds I think it would make me cranky after awhile.
In order to resolve this problem I'm thinking about just buying crotchless pants & hope no one notices.

I am not unhappy about my weight loss. I just feel like I wasn't given the whole story. I mean clothes hide a lot, part of the idea behind this was I was going to look better naked. At the very least I did not expect to look WORSE. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before climbing into the shower & I have to stop myself from shrieking out loud in terror.
So beware of cheesy cliches, because regardless of what they say the opposite is also true. If the glass is half full, the other half must be empty. If every cloud has a silver lining, then every silver lining has a cloud. Free lunch be damned.

The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 1

2006-05-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

*The spring fever slot machine*

If your brain looks like the above picture do not panic! You are simply suffering from an affliction known as spring fever. It is okay if your brain only process the following items:
Sex. Food. Sleep. Repeat as needed.

As of late I too have been suffering from what is commonly known as 'Spring Fever' (aka Mating Season). I think this is one of the best & worst things about living somewhere with four seasons. I enjoy the natural high of winter turning to spring. However, it tends to cause behavioral changes usually only associated with people known to have a major mental illness.

Do you have spring fever? Not sure? Well, in order to help people self diagnose the dreaded spring fever I will share my unmistakable symptoms.

Major Symptoms:
1) Sleeplessness.
The strong desire to run around like a speed freak until you can no longer see straight. Most likely you will have no particular task in mind. You just have to 'do stuff'.
2) Mini hibernation.
Following up the bursts of energy with naps, not just any old nap either - I'm talking the sleep of the dead. Keep a pillow handy at all times.
3) The overwhelming desire to hump things.
Boys, pillows, doorknobs...whatever crosses your path pretty much. Trust me, that is not a gun in his pocket, he is happy to see you. This is the time of year when one is most likely to engage in (& should embrace) lots of random hot sexual acts. During spring one's libido is in fact not within the owner's control. It is actually being toyed with by fate. Personally, I think this is evolution's little joke to see just how far you can push the hormones of your average person before they crack.
4) Deviant Behavior.
Aside from the food, sex & sleep there is the compulsion towards reckless endeavors. I recently found out my cousin (the mechanic) gets a killer discount on new Mazdas from the dealership he works at. My gut reaction was to have the place write up the papers on a brand new Mazdaspeed6 with all the toys - Black leather, 6 speed, rims, spoiler, 275 horsepower turbo in cherry mica. Mmmm, fun. Like an orgasm with tires...
I did manage to refrain for the time being. Instead I redirected my need to buy something frivolous towards a less expensive toy. I reserved my Nintendo DS Lite & new Mario game this weekend. Not exactly the same, but it managed to satisfy my craving for something I don't really need & there was roughly a $30k savings that came along with my decision.

Minor Symptoms:
1) A radical shift in the music on your playlists.
For example I had Breathe by Anna Nalick at the top of my list. Just a few short weeks ago my life was in fact an hourglass glued to the table. Now, for completely inexplicable reasons I find the theme to Fame at the top of my list. Yes, Fame...as in 'I want to live forever, Fame'.
2) Everything that blooms or grows seems amazing.
At no other time of the year will you see a dandelion & think it is a beautiful flower set before you like a gift from god. Under normal circumstances one would look at a dandelion & think 'Fucking weed, you are the cause of my allergies, the scourge of the earth & may even bring on the downfall of humanity'.
3) Weather leaves the realm of reality & becomes a mental phenomenon.
So, even though it is 45 degrees & pouring rain you drive with the window rolled down. Why? Because in your head you know that it is May & therefore you can drive with the windows down. Granted you still have the heat in the car cranked to full blast & a parka on, but god dammit, it's SPRING!!!
4) Spring Cleaning.
This term is a misnomer. It implies that in the spring people aspire to tidy up a little. False. Spring cleaning is when you want to throw everything you own out & start over. Alternately you are compelled to fantasize about gigantic household projects. For example, you decide that every room in the house must be painted. I don't care if you just painted last week, you still want to paint everything. You may also find yourself saying things like 'It's time to start on that 10,000 sq ft addition I've been thinking about.' Be warned, your motivation for these projects will wane quickly, so be careful what you start and for godsake avoid the Home Depot at all costs!

If you have any or all of these symptoms you are most likely suffering from spring fever. I recommend you enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts!!

Naughty Blogger! Spankings For You

2006-05-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have been a horrible blogger the last few weeks. Somewhere between the job interviews, slightly paranoid delusions & mass quantities of working out I have failed to post. I am pretty sure my scattered brain is back in check now. I have a million half posts floating around my head, but it is officially time to get my blog shit back together.

The strategy is to dive back in with my Sex, Lies & Employment trilogy. I also have some theories on the apocalypse I need to share (and have been researching for months so I better get a damn post out of it). I am also working on my '100 Things' list that everyone seems to have. Hopefully that will be my hundredth post - A milestone I am determined to meet. Plus I am still very angry at the television & have decided much like BEG has the news I need to give regular updates on how stupid TV has become.

Wish me luck, feel free to spank me if I don't comply with this post and enjoy the following bit of wisdom:
"Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking."

"Legano, Ni Legano...Is Gray Area"

2006-03-28T22:14:00.000-06:00

So, it could be just me, but isn't the whole immigration protest thing seem like stupidity at its finest? Who knew you could protest in defense of your right to be able to break the law? I guess it never occurred to me, because it is one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard! Granted if these illegal workers had a high school diploma they might actually understand concepts like illegal & criminal.
If I understand this correctly people who are NOT citizens are upset that OUR government wants to increase penalties for ILLEGAL immigration. Also known as breaking the fucking law. Now, I am no Republican or government loving freak. I hate patriotism & Dubya...all of it. However, as a citizen I get to have those opinions. Not a citizen? Guess you can't play in this game.

These protestors are actually using our constitution to stand up for rights they don't have, because oh yeah - THEY ARE NOT FUCKING CITIZENS. Then there are the people walking out on behalf of their illegal relatives. What is this shit? Now we have protesting by proxy?

"Mom, dad I know you are here illegally. So I am going to ditch Algebra in protest of you breaking the law"

As far as I can tell illegal immigrants basically view getting into the country as some sort of competition they have won. As the winners, they get to screw with the system since, well they made it in to the US. One of the arguments I've seen the most is "You can't go arrest 11 million people, so why bother to change the law?"
Is it just me or is this the dumbest logic ever? Wouldn't it be nice to use this logic every time someone was charged with a crime?

Rapists: "Well, your Honor, since I already raped her don't you think I should get off (no pun intended)? I mean maybe if you had got to me before the whole sodomy with an object happened I could see you being upset. However, what's done is done so why don't we just call this one even?"

Murderers: "I already killed the person & since I can't make him any less dead I'm thinking 'no harm, no foul'. I'd love to go to prison and all, but it doesn't really fit into my schedule. Oh, and if you disagree I'm getting all the other murderers together & we are going to protest!"

Speaking of dumb, logic & algebra - For anyone who may be empathizing with these people I'd like to point out that they are not an addition to this country. Half of illegal workers don't have a high school education. One third don't even have a ninth grade education. Many of the female immigrants don't work period because they are at home tending to their litter of offspring who are probably not going to end up much better off than their parents.
As for those stay at home immigrant women panicking about who is going to support them if their illegal (damn, there is that word again) husbands get deported? Maybe I'm being a crazy feminazi liberal here, but umm, how about YOU?!? What are these women incapable of getting a job like the rest of us? It isn't like that immigrant farm wage has them living in Beverly Hills. I doubt it would be all that difficult to get a job making a wage comparable to fruit picker. Though I could be ignorant. It's possible fruit pickers are pulling in six figures and I missed the boat by going to college.
Speaking of offspring...or alternately their impact on the population. In my heavily Hispanic area I have yet to meet a small Hispanic family. Trust me, they have the Catholics beat on the whole be fruitful & multiply thing. Anyway, I found this interesting statistic:

"The US population is expected to increase at an astounding rate. In 1990 it was 249 million; now it is 298 million; by 2050 it is expected to be 420 million. That is a jump of 70%, or 170 million, in only 60 years. The rate already eclipses the record 1910 wave of European immigration."

How much growth do you think one country can handle? In terms of resources, jobs, etc...There simply is not enough for us to be letting anyone who is bored with their country come to ours. There are enough troubles with the education system & class sizes in my area, not to mention water & electricity shortages and number of jobs. Are we just going to stretch the system until it breaks so that we too can become a third world country?

From what I have read the bills floating around want to do things like make it a felony to be in the country illegally, make drunk driving a deportable offense & still give these people a chance to become citizens IF they pay fines, back taxes, learn English & pass a background check. Umm, where is the radical injustice in that? I have to pass a background check to get a job. I have to pay taxes. I get fined if I don't pay taxes. I am not allowed to drink & drive.

Oh my fucking god what a radical notion! Our government wants to treat these people as if they were just like the rest of us!

Here in Wisconsin the big immigration issue has to do with driver's licenses. Yep, illegal workers are upset because they would have to prove they are legal residents in order to get a license. Well, the nerve of my state politicians. They only want legal residents getting licenses. Damn them.
As far as I know we are one of the only states who doesn't already require this. In turn this has made Wisconsin a hot spot for illegal residents to get a license. Great, we are known for beer, brats, cheese and now supporting law breakers. My state has a bad enough rep ok? I don't mind having some notorious people: Dahmer, Ed Gein, Lawerencia Bembenek...but Disneyland for illegal immigrants who need ID isn't on the top ten list of things I want for my state.
The arguments being made against the bill are totally asinine. Clearly the aliens left their common sense in their other pants when they immigrated.....

"Right now, my license is my life. Without a driver's license you're going to feel like every cop is going to stop you." said Miguel Serna of Ft Atkinson, who came to America in 1986 and now works as a welder & a clown (Laugh, that is a hysterical combo).

So let me get this straight: You have no fears, issues or worries about being in the country for 20 years illegally, but are paralyzed with fright over not having a license? Talk about warped priorities. More importantly, a driver's license is like a SSN, it gets you everywhere. Jobs, bank accounts, loans, everything and anything can be done if you have a license. Rarely have I been asked to show my birth certificate or passport to anyone. Bars, jobs, police, etc - All they care about is that license. So if you can get one, what incentive do you have to become legal? Apparently Miguel could care less about being a citizen, but is very worried about being able to drive from home to those welding/clown gigs.

I have actually dealt with the illegal workforce myself. They are popular in the horse world as grooms & shit shovelers. I promise not one of them was here to improve America. They knew English, but refused to speak it & never paid a dime in taxes. They all had a five year plan that involved sending cash back to Mexico for awhile, then going home to retire like kings. A lowly horse groomer here usually owned a whole farm back in Mexico. I don't have a farm. Do you? The people I knew weren't concerned with things like taxes or voting. It wasn't about contributing it was about abusing. I am not really thrilled with the idea of being a cash cow for a country with a shitty dollar value. Granted, I'd probably take advantage of a system like our current one too. Not like getting caught does any harm. At the barn we'd have usually about 5 illegal grooms here who all came over on the same visa. One would get here & they would just mail it back home for the next Juan Doe to show up.
Hell, I can't even get a job because so many in my field are being outsourced to India but I am suppose to feel bad for someone because they broke into this country by clinging to the top of a train or weaving a reed boat hoping to drift to a US shoreline? Not happening.

And now, because that might change all of sudden these people are ready to participate in the democratic process? Fuck that.

I Go Through Two Lighters A Day!

2006-03-22T21:45:00.000-06:00

I am one of those smokers who actually enjoys smoking. I may have contemplated quitting for ohhh, about 2 hours one day. I decided against it. Being a smoker I also tend to revel in the irony of things like non-smokers who die of lung cancer. The most recent example being Dana Reeves. Non-smokers who die of lung cancer support my belief that when your number is up it's up. It's right up there with being killed by a falling icicle. Fate is fate and smoking is probably not the end all, be all determinant regardless of what people would like you to believe. If smoking, drinking & drugs were an automatic death sentence, then explain Keith Richards. On the flip side of that, explain the olympic athletes who just arbitrarily dropped dead. Besides, I have yet to meet an immortal non-smoker.

It may sound cruel to revel in another's death, but it takes the edge off my irritation with this country's neverending quest to fuck with my ability to smoke. I mean I realize there are still illiterate children, homeless people & that pesky Iraq conflict going on, but clearly the government believes my cigarette smoking is going to be the downfall of humanity.
I already go outside! What more do you fucking want? It isn't crack, it's a marlboro and is what keeps from killing 50% of all people I come in contact with so I highly recommend letting me light up.

Anyway, I have recently discovered a new spin on the whole smoking issue. Believe it or not, smoking may be good for you! I know what all you non-smokers are thinking right now: Smoking? Beneficial? That is crazy talk!

So I have come armed with supporting evidence....

Case#1: Quit smoking & get a disease!
My cousin who recently turned 27 has been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sounds pleasant hey? All I know is my aunt has now shared way too much information about my cousin's colon with me - The enemas, scopes, color pictures & do it yourself poop smears. It also means he will be on medication for the rest of his life or possibly end up with surgery.
It's sort of a strange disease in terms of what causes it - As far as researchers know it is caused by a combination of genes, a person's immune system & environmental factors. They also believe that emotional stresses can cause flareups.
Shortly before the disease appeared my cousin decided to quit smoking for what I swear is at least the 5th time. I even gave him shit about it at Christmas asking how long it would last this time.
The best part of all this? His doctor told him that quitting smoking may have caused his current bout of problems. Not only is there an emotional stress tied to quitting smoking, but apparently doctors have found that smokers with UC have less problems. They think something with the nicotine keeps it at bay.
Whoo hoo! Score one for the smokers!

Case#2: Who smokes more than the Chinese?
Well, maybe middle easterners, but that is beside the point. After hearing about my cousin I came across this article claiming there are redeeming things in cigarettes:
Holy smoke! Chinese city turns cigarettes to medicine
Apparently they have found a component of cigarettes called solanesol that helps treat cardiovascular disease.

Case#3: Sex Doesn't Have To Be Terminal!
I guess it was just the week to be a smoker. Black people get a month, women get a month & it appears the last week was an ode to the benefits of smoking. Who knew?
My last enlightening article is this one:
Do Plants Have The Potential To Vaccinate Against HIV?
It talks about using genetically modified tobacco to create an HIV vaccine. How fucking cool is that? Talk about the ultimate slap in the face! The evil tobacco monster being used to vaccinate against HIV?
If it ever came to fruition I'd want everyone of those morons (smokers & non-smokers alike) who sued a tobacco company to line up at Philip Morris' door & apologize for being a pretentious idiot, for bitching that a picture of a camel could lead to the collapse of America & for not owning up to the fact that smoking is a personal choice.
I want the freedom to light up. However should I get lung cancer or emphysema I am not going to blame the tobacco companies. If I get into a car accident can I sue Mazda for making a nice car that I wanted to buy & drive around in? Please.

If you are a non-smoker who is all ready to berrate me with a comment or even just someone who appreciates a good laugh, I leave you with the following bit on smoking by the late Bill Hicks:

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you.

I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.

How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready?
Non-smokers die every day.
Sleep tight.

See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed."

I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung - it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations...

We live in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead? "I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now."
What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears.
"I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes."

Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial!

"I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead! Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other....One day that life is going to get to you, Yul."

They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.

People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.

(Sniffs) "Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!"

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day.
I tried to run, they had more energy than I.
I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
Many of them smelled me.
(Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"

Well, It Is The Lord's Day

2006-03-19T23:28:00.000-06:00

You know sometimes you just shouldn't click on web ads. Being in IT I should know these things. However, sometimes the temptation is overwhelming & even I can not help myself....

Click if you dare!

For those who didn't brave the link I will explain:

Kinky Christians!

I may have my quirks, but this was a little much. I think I'd have been ok except I went to the site's Cafe Press store. I know there are communities for just about everything, but the whole BDSM/Jesus Freak combo continues to fly over my head. I guess I'm just lucky I'm an Atheist. However, I am tempted to join just to investigate this phenomenon further.

To add insult to irony I stumbled onto the Kinky Christians shortly after getting this personal ad response:

Mistress, I am a 57 year old submissive, white and divorced male, living in Beloit. I am college educated (Carroll) and hold a master's degree in theology -- I am also ordained.
I wear panties. Six feet tall. 195 pounds.
Obedient. Love to be put over knee and spanked
Can travel. Please email direct at ****@yahoo.com
Respectfully,
Naughty Johnny

Ahh, there is a dream date if I ever saw one....An old, MINISTER, who wears panties. I wonder if his parishoners know about this. How would he explain it if they did? I mean how do you pass off wearing panties & enjoying spankings as the lord's work?

Some days it is particularly clear to me why I am usually single. I'm also reminded why that isn't a bad thing.

Full Moon Tuesday

2006-03-16T01:33:00.000-06:00

I am by nature a girl of science. However there are those few things I get flaky & superstitious about: I've been known to read my horoscope, I think weird things happen during the full moon & I have a pathological fear of Tuesdays. Call me crazy if you like, but I'm telling you if you pay attention you will find Tuesday to be a notoriously bad day of the week. At my last job I explained my Tuesday issues to several coworkers & guess what? Within a short period of time they too were Anti-Tuesday converts (My ability to convert non-believers is what gives me faith in the whole amendment thing).

All that being said yesterday was not only Tuesday, but there was a full moon. WHY WAS I NOT WARNED BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE?!?!

Thanks to my lack of income I tend not to go out much. Ok, I actually don't leave the house unless it's on fire or to get coffee in the morning. Notably I think the coffee shop may be my next place of employment.

Anyway, about 4pm my mom's old hippie boyfriend tells me they are going out for Mexican food & invites me along. I stupidly say 'Sounds great, I'd love to go'. The following things proceed to happen during the approximately 75 minutes I was absent from the safety of my home:

1) The Beer Nabbing Bum
I live in a suburb, but the more hick than pretentious kind. We have several quirks. One is that the population is pretty much 50/50 white people & Hispanics (this would be why you can get good Mexican in bumble fuck, WI). However, should any of us see a black person we all think 'Is he lost? Milwaukee is the other way'. We don't have a homicide rate because we might average a half a murder a year. Instead we get odd crime. Not quite as odd as the great pink flamingo stealing from the church lawn (That would be in BEG's hometown). Still Waukesha is not what one refers to as a 'rough neighborhood' by any means.
Another wonderfully Waukesha quirk is we have notoriously narrow driveways into places with enormous dips at the bottom. It's as if they designed the town around fucking up the bottom of your car. Texas has too many speed bumps, New Jersey has no left turns and Waukesha has it's funky driveways. Imagine my surprise when I got to merge these 2 things together. Yep, crime & bad city planning all in one.

The Hippie & I take the SUV over to the Mexican place (Casa del rio) to meet mom. Casa has one of the stupid Waukesha driveways that is exactly wide enough for your vehicle & has concrete buildings on both sides to ensure your captivity. As he turns in we are immediately confronted by a stonewash jean clad ass of some guy. By his inability to get up off the ground I initially assumed the man was hurt. At second glance however I see a bag. In the bag is part of a six pack of beer. Like any good Wisconsinite these aren't those wimpy 12 ounce cans, no this is like a six pack of forties. Had I been driving it would have been at this point that I threw the car in reverse & parked elsewhere. As a woman even the most inebriated man may pose a threat if agitated. So instead of waiting to be the star of 'When Drunks Attack' I'd simply have removed myself from the area.
Not the Hippie though. Nope, he waits patiently while the bum goes about his business. As I watched the man who was about 3 feet in front of our bumper I realized not only was he not injured, but instead his issue was apparently that one of his beers had escaped from the bag. While trying to stand up more of his beers tumbled out of the bag in an effort to save themselves from the fate of this man. Already so drunk he couldn't stand & rather oblivious to our presence the man proceeds to crawl on his hands & knees from the right of the driveway to directly in front of us and then over to his beer. Having rescued the precious Budweiser, we now have to wait for him to crawl back out of our path. Again this takes him some amount of time. Using the concrete building on the right he manages to stumble off into the sunset. Did I mention he was this hammered at 530pm on a Tuesday? Apparently he doesn't like them either.
After the 10 minute performance by the drunk we pull through to the back where the parking lot lives. I casually glance off to my right & see a door I had never noticed. It blended into the building except for it's 3 makeshift 2x4 steps. It also didn't appear to go anywhere. Apparently though the bum knew something I didn't, because there he was slumped on the stairs. Still clutching his beer he is reaching up to knock on the door. If you have never watched a grown man reach up to knock on the very bottom of a door I highly recommend it. Wildly amusing.

2) Memory Lane
Finally we park & duck safely through the back door into the restaurant. Except in some apparent effort to mess with me as we reach the hostess area to get seated it becomes apparent that something is not right. Oh, yeah - Since the last time I was there they had moved a wall!
I persevere onward to our table & order a magarita. My mom having parked on the street pops in through the front door. She joins us & announces there is a cop outside with some guy who needs a bath. I then explain to her that we are already old friends with the crazy drunk who is now chatting with our local authorities. Though I can't imagine it was a very productive conversation.

My mom has barely sat down when I hear 'Amanda!'. As usual my first thought is 'Are those the voices in my head?'. I turn around & directly behind me is my old best friend Julie. When I say old I mean I met this girl when I was like 10 or 11 yrs old. We both rode at the same barn that had no indoor plumbing. Nothing builds character at 10 faster than using a port-a-potty at 6am in January. One of my biggest fears as a child was actually that I'd freeze to the seat ala why you aren't suppose to lick poles when it's freezing out.
It later dawned on me that means I have known her for about 15 yrs which made me feel really old.
We had a very 13 year old girl type of falling out over another mutual friend Charlene. The two of them eventually moved to another barn without me & I was left out in the cold. Ironically, my spot in the clique was filled by my current best friend Adrianna (aka - BEG). It was literally like she was the applicant they chose to fill my spot in the group dynamic. I guess it sort of explains why her & I ended up really good friends. I took the 11-13 yr old shift and Adrianna took the 14 - 16 yr old shift. Then her & I ended up at the same barn. If you haven't noticed horses, more specifically American Saddlebreds, is a small group chalk full of politics, barn hopping, sexual escapades & an overall general sleaziness.
Fast forward to present day....Julie & I were exchanging the usual pleasantries when I realized she was ten times the loser I was. Plus, she is still really close to Charlene so I got the double whammy update. I couldn't help but do the happy 'payback is a bitch' dance in my head.

The lowdown on Julie's life...
Job? I may be unemployed, but at least when employed I have what passes for a career. She never finished college & has three jobs. She tells me she is still at the Land's End Outlet (where she has now been folding flannel shirts for the last 8 years), she works for her parents business (though I don't recall them having one) and she works at the local Acura dealership. Trying to not to say anything totally tactless I ask what she does over at Acura assuming she does like part time office work or something. Nope, she without hesitation says 'I clean the cars!'. It took all of my willpower not to blurt out 'I thought they only hired Mexicans to do that'.

Married? Somewhat shocked at her patheticness I move on to the marriage question. Not only is she not married, but she still lives at home too. Whoo hoo! I am not the only one! On top of that the guy with her was a large, imposing Mexican Mafioso looking Hispanic who didn't say a word to me. So, if he was more than a platonic friend I also get bonus points for landing way better guys.

And then there is Charlene. Charlene comes from money. I don't mean wealthy, I mean her dad's favorite hobby is collecting Ferraris rich. Though honestly a great family. I knew them well & they are actually fairly low key rich.
Charlene is working for her parents as well in the accounting department. Of course, Julie said in the accounting department, not actually an accountant. That was sort of a given though. Her older brother wanted nothing to do with the business, so it landed on her.
As for marriage? Charlene was always really pretty. Guys just sort of fell at her feet. She is the embodiment of petite, blonde & rich. Yeah, I wish I had it so rough. So that made Julie's answer all the better. With a downward look towards the floor she tells me Charlene was engaged but "that didn't work out". The body language alone screamed huge fucking disaster. I'd like to fancy it was something as tragic as left at the alter, but I don't actually know.

Don't get me wrong, these girls were a huge part of my life & I don't wish them any ill will. However, sometimes an ego stroking is just what a girl needs.

After dinner I climbed into mom's car and when I looked ahead I saw the moon in all it's full glory. Well, there you have it. The explanation for my very weird 75 minute Tuesday adventure was right in front of me. Next time I think about leaving the house on a Tuesday I will be sure to check the moon's cycle.

Faking It

2006-03-05T22:18:00.000-06:00

Ah, if only I were talking about orgasms....At least those are something I don't have to fake. Nope, I am actually referring to the latest twists & turns in my unending quest for employment.

Most of February was dead in terms of the job hunt. I don't mean slow either. I mean dead as in I'd get better responses from the people in the local Sunnyside cemetery dead. I continue to dutifully hock my resume, send out applications, etc to no avail. Occasionally I get a rejection letter for a job I interviewed for 3 months ago, but other than that nothing.

Convinced I am doing something 'wrong' in my job search I like to read articles for tips & tricks to aid in my search. I have to say there is some depressing news out there about job hunting. However, the most disturbing by far was this article about embellishing one's resume. I was shocked to learn that over 50% of all people lie on their resume. Some articles I read put it as high as 75%. Well, shit no wonder I don't have any sort of edge. I'm too busy being honest.

It also claims that fudging your resume can come back to haunt you. Except, it references people who got awfully damn far lying on their resumes. Think FEMA's Michael Brown & Radioshack CEO David Edmondson. Oh yeah, lying on their resumes really screwed them. Like these people didn't make enough money before they got caught for it to really matter. Much like Enron, I have a distinct 'Too little, too late' feeling about the whole thing. Plus, they may have lied before, but now these people have the actual experience they wanted to put on a resume. Edmondson doesn't have to lie now because he actually was the CEO of Radioshack. I'd say that looks pretty good on a resume.

I'm not big on lying. As a matter of fact I suck at it which forces me to be honest 99.9% of the time. So this seems radically unfair (for lack of a better term) to me. Thanks to this article I was sent off into the world of faking resumes. There are sites that will dummy up a resume for you. Hell, even ones that will give you a fake degree & have a phone number so employers can verify it. Clearly if there are people out there taking advantage of this shit it is not surprising why I have absolutely no edge over other candidates.

Now, everything you read from HR people says they always find out or it will come back and bite you in the end, but I don't really buy that having been in the throes of the job hunt for the last 7 months. I can count on one hand the number of people who requested my job references. Out of those I think maybe one employer actually called them. You are your piece of paper.

I'm not naive. I understand there are people who lie on their resumes, but the high number of people doing it simply astounded me. So, where does that leave me? Apparently still unemployed & totally fucked.

Irritated by the whole you should lie more fiasco I continued reading job hunting articles. I think the psychic's guide to finding a job is my all time favorite. I guess if I can't get a job by lying I should at least get me one of them Court TV psychics to tell me it's all going to be ok.

The other line I'm sick of hearing is that it's my area. I am suffering from a horrible location. Here in Wisconsin the term "brain drain" pops up every few years. We are home to one of the best universities in the country - UW Madison. However, once people are done with school they run for the border faster than a taco bell commercial. We rank 7th in exporting college graduates & 49th in importing them. 49th? Out of 50? What that tells me is I am not in the right state for smart people. The ones who do get jobs get them because they know somebody, not because they are talented or even qualified for a job. Now I know about 60% of jobs are gotten through networking. Umm, yeah that is great if you have a network. I am 26 & probably one of the only people my age I know with an actual resume. My network consists of mostly tortured artists who have day jobs to fund their wild aspirations of doing things like making it big with the band or sailing around the world on a boat because it would be 'cool'. So unless I aspire to fry cook my network isn't really going to do me much good.

Then there is money. Graduates who leave Wisconsin for full time jobs earn almost 25% more than those who stay. The irony of all this is that I am currently unemployed & therefore I don't have the money to move out of my sinking ship of a state. Again I feel unemployed & totally fucked.

So here I am with no job in a state that doesn't appreciate educated people, shopping for psychics & good liars. This is not what was in the brochure.

As a new approach I've decided to open up my resume to the people who read my blog. Any tips, lies or jobs you'd like to offer I am all ears.

Ok, So Even I Go Girl Once In Awhile

2006-02-22T00:41:00.000-06:00

I confess. There are a few things that turn me into one of those starry eyed, looking for the knight in shining armor, giddy girl types. Much like the final scene in Dirty Dancing will for all time be able to instantly entrance me, so does figure skating. Yep, skinny girls in tacky costumes spinning in circles really does it for me.

When I was a kid I actually took ice skating lessons for awhile. However, the rink I went to was closing, so in order for me to continue my parents would have to shell out more cash for lessons. At the time I had also started horseback riding lessons. So, I was given a choice: Ponies or frozen water. Lucky for me I went with horses. At 4 or 5 years old you really don't have any clue what kind of body you are going to end up with. I have a body much more suited to going 3 rounds with a 2000 lb horse. My big feet, big ass, tall German Gypsy frame with big tits? Yeah, not really cut out for the delicate sport of figure skating.

Despite my own shortcomings as a potential figure skater I still watch skating with great amazement. All that spinning, jumping & what not. It all looks so beautiful. Well, all of it except ice dancing. Much like curling, I don't really get ice dancing. As far as I can tell it's pairs skating for people who can't jump. Last night the one thing I find remotely interesting about the Winter Olympics was finally on: The ladies short program.

First Place: Sasha Cohen

Sasha seems to have come a long way since 2002. The last time around I was on the Sarah Hughes bandwagon. I honestly thought she was the best. Plus I am a sucker for the underdog. However, whatever 'it' is that I thought was missing from Sasha's skating four years ago is there now. She skated great & demonstrated more showmanship than most of the other skaters combined. Of course now the question is can she hold it together through the long program?

Second Place: Irina Slutskaya

Technically she is a great skater. However, she just screams butch to me. Not necessarily lesbian butch, but certainly not what I think of when I think of figure skaters. Add in her pants suit getup? Ugh. Wasn't the men's skating last week?

The Other Americans: Kimmie Meissner & Emily Hughes

I loved Kimmie's short program. At barely 16 she lacks some of the polish of the older skaters, but give her a few years though & I think she will rise up. As for Emily, I thought she skated nicely. However, I couldn't shake the 'Your sister is better' feeling I got watching her. I will say I'm glad she made the team over Michelle Kwan. At some point you have to cut your losses & run. Kwan's pathetic quest for a gold medal has just gotten old. She has become so desperate to win the gold that it has started to negate her other accomplishments. I can't recall any of her performances off the top of my head, but her begging to go to the Olympics & making the team even with an injury? Now that sticks in my mind. Get over yourself already.

One final thought on the short program: Outfits.
Who the hell dressed these girls? Most of them look like Bob Mackie threw up on them. The chronic use of neon colors was very unnerving. I thought neon died with the eighties. What next? Fanny packs become all the rage again? On top of that there seemed to be an all or nothing mentality. Either the skaters were in outfits so skimpy I thought 'Netting or not, Why bother?' or they were covered from head to toe like some skating Eskimo. Can you say middle ground?

The Best: Fumie Suguri

I loved her costume. I also thought she skated far better than her counterpart Shizuka Arakawa who end up just ahead of Fumie in third place. I'm also positive that Arakawa has quite possibly the flattest chest I have ever seen on a woman. I am talking concave boobs.

The Worst: Sokolova & LiashenkoWork that tacky neon girls!

The Worst, Part 2: Gimazetdinova & AndoNaked vs. Nanook of the North

KP will return to her regularly scheduled sarcasm shortly...

Under Stupidity In The Dictionary....

2006-02-15T12:05:00.001-06:00

You will find a picture of people dying over a fucking cartoon! I can relate to having strong convictions, but holy shit people this is a little beyond that. I mean how unexciting is one's life that they are willing to give it up over a cartoon? I'm unemployed, broke and take pills to keep myself just this side of suicide and you know what? No way in fucking hell am I giving all that up over a drawing!

I was sent this article by my mom. I'll admit it is much funnier if you are from Wisconsin or Texas or have some knowledge of football. However, the satire is brilliant. Enjoy!

Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny’s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.

The spark igniting the latest tailgate hibachi of unrest: a Texas newsletter's publication of caricatures of legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94, briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily "boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment Molly Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity -- said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden, repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10 apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles, easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment, looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan -- made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography allowed is allegorical, in throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction,” he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT Technologies dismissed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and "please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

Picking up the Pieces

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those cartoons of Mike Ditka."

I Got A Spanking

2006-02-08T22:09:00.000-06:00

So, I got my review over at Talk2much. Considering how rough they are on people I think I will take my 4 out of 5 stars and run.
I will say some of the people who comment over there are a tad insane. I've never had anyone give me shit over my link color before. Who knew? I kind of thought blogs were about content. Apparently that is just crazy talk and in fact the most critical thing about one's blog is in fact the template.

Anyway, go read the review - I even get called smart, which being me I loved.
I'd dodge the comments as it gets a little pathetic. I'm actually avoiding whatever responses my last comment received. I hate drama. Especially from unintelligent people who lack a point.

Re-Rant On Reality

2006-02-07T12:40:00.000-06:00

Some time ago I wrote a post on the horrifying programming choices being made by cable networks. As far as I'm concerned reality TV should be approached the same way I approach the red states: I can tolerate their existence as long as it doesn't fuck up my day. Well, since my original rant things have gone from bad to worse. I'd actually consider getting rid of cable all together, except the network channels are just as bad if not worse. I am sorry that I watch TV and possess an IQ higher than that of a german shepherd.

A&E and Court TV were at one time the first channels I'd check for some worthwhile evening programming. Now I can pretty much avoid these channels entirely since their programming is roughly the same shit every night.

A typical primetime evening on A&E involves a minimum of 2 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter followed by at least 2 episodes of another reality show (usually Inked or Criss Angel, Mindfreak) and then some sort of hour long show such as Rollergirls or Intervention.

A typical evening on Court TV is not much better. There is some sort of 2 Cops episodes minimum rule they adhere to each night. Then there is the dreaded RED programs (see below for more on this fiasco). For approximately one hour you may on occasion get something watchable like Forensic Files or Body of Evidence. However, you will quickly pay for that hour of good tv because it is usually followed by Parco PI, Hollywood Heat (which so far as I can tell has nothing to do with crime) or some other equally dreadful show.

So I feel compelled to add some more irritations to the previous list I made concerning my utter disappointment with my formerly favorite cable channels (don't the people at these networks realize I pay for cable so I don't have to watch shitty reality TV 24/7?).

1) How many Swat teams does it take to change a lightbulb?
For quite some time I was confused about the new swat shows that have popped up. I couldn't help but notice that A&E and Court TV were advertising what appeared to be the same show, Dallas Swat. The networks aren't owned by the same company, so what the hell is going on? Then it clicked: THERE ARE TWO SEPARATE SWAT SHOWS.
What the fuck is that all about? Is it absolutely necessary that both Dallas Swat AND Texas Swat exist? Is there just so much swatting going on in the poster child for red states that we need two shows on two channels about the same fucking thing? Besides if they were going to invade Texas with video cameras to film shit, why not go with something much edgier & more appropriate for Texas? I'm thinking Texas Execution: Every week a new episode where we watch them flip the switch or inject the latest death row inmate for the amusement of the masses.

2) Marketing 101:
Am I the only one who remembers when Court TV's tag line was 'The Investigation Channel'? As in 'we put on shows that involve investigating crime'. My beloved investigation channel has now deemed itself Court TV: Seriously Entertaining. If I wanted to be 'seriously entertained' I'd drop acid & watch the screen saver on my fucking computer for 12 hours dammit!
Court TV's other new strategy is RED. Red stands for real, exciting & dramatic. Red is the weeknight corruption of Court TV from 7pm - 8pm central time. Do you know what they consider real, exciting & dramatic? The short answer is crap. Red involves such hot button shows as:
- Beach Patrol: Yep these bike cops live on the edge as they pedal through sand & surf to halt crime. Does anyone remember Pacific Blue? That piece of crap USA show from the late nineties? The one that kept Mario Lopez employed in between Saved by the bell & his lucrative game show host career. Well, trust me, it was better than this show.
- Hot Pursuit: Why do we need an entire hour devoted to car chases filmed with the equivalent of a webcam?
- Texas Swat: I've covered this one enough, more so than it even deserves.
- Las Vegas Law: Meet Parco PI junior. Much like Parco is a overly typical New Yorker, Bucky Buchanan is an overly typical sleazy Vegas lawyer type. Apparently if you get drunk or married or misplace your clothes while on vacation in Vegas Bucky is your man. He comes complete with the sleazy pimpmobile convertible (personalized plates & all) and a closet full of bad polyester suits.
I really think Court also needs to reconsider all the alliteration they are using in show titles too. Parco PI, Las Vegas Law, Bucky Buchanan - I realize somewhere there is a bunch of suits sitting around marveling at their own cleverness, but trust me when I say the rest of us don't find you people nearly as witty.

3) Rollergirls:
Roller derby complete with an accompanying musical tour (I have yet to figure out the connection between the two concepts). Again the film crews packed off to Texas for this abysmal excuse for a television show. Basically the show follows these terrifyingly butch women with clever derby names like Venus Envy & Punky Bruiser as they bitch about each other, get into cat fights, sleep with each other's boyfriends & make costumes all in the name of rollerskating. My irritation with Rollergirls started before the show even aired. Instead, the promo commercials for the show were more than enough to set me off. One of them actually had a scene wherein a nun was spanking the roller girls with a ruler in front of a chalkboard. Call me crazy but doesn't that seem more soft core than one usually expects out of A&E? I just can't even begin to put into words how much this show annoys me. It is probably second only to Dog the bounty hunter in it's stupidity.

Speaking of my favorite bunny hunter....Dog is the highest rated show on A&E averaging 1.6 million viewers per episode. As for Mr. Chapman? He is pulling in a sweet 100k per half hour episode. I went to college & I can't even find a job, but a high school drop out, convicted murderer, armed robber, white trash hick in need of a haircut can make $100,000 for 30 minutes on tv. Grr. There really is no justice in the world sometimes.

However, I should point out that right behind Dog is Cold Case Files (1.5m viewers). Doesn't that say something? Like possibly that there are a lot of us who still enjoy honest to goodness documentary tv about real people who aren't so unrealistic that the show needs to be called 'reality tv' for people to realize it is not actually some sort of sick joke. If these shows were even remotely legit they would in fact be called documentaries, as in a tv show or film that is non-fiction. Since these shows are not legitimately representative of reality they have their own little entry at Wikipedia.

Reality TV:
"a genre of television programming which presents unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, documents actual (if sometimes contrived) events, and features "ordinary" people over professional actors. Although the genre has existed in some form or another since the early years of television, the current explosion of popularity dates from circa 2000. Critics of the genre have claimed that the term is a misnomer and that what such shows portray is far removed from actual reality, with participants put in exotic locations and/or abnormal situations, participants sometimes coached to act in certain ways by off-screen handlers, and events on screen manipulated through editing and other post-production techniques."

Not quite the same as 'documentary' is it? (As a scary side note the wikipedia entry also informed me that reality shows currently account for about 56% of all American TV shows! Just shoot me).

I remember I started watching A&E when they used to show Evening at the improv. The improv had standup comedy that was the antithesis of comedy ala SNL. It was smart & interesting, but still made you laugh. It was ACTUAL entertainment. I continued to watch the channel for the documentaries on everything from crime to ancient Egypt. I'd revel in the Law & Order marathons or my Sunday morning ritual of watching Mysteries of the Bible. Those days are long gone as I now find myself terrified to put on A&E for fear that there is going to be a roller derby, a mindfreak or god forbid... a bounty hunter on.

To add irony to insult I have found myself watching a lot of (if only I were kidding) Spike TV. Yep, as in Spike TV formerly the first network for men. What started out as the anti-Lifetime network (ie - tv for women) actually has some good shit on. Gone is the wrestling, instead there is a plethora of CSI (the original) episodes to be watched as well as really good movies such as The Shawshank Redemption & The Firm.

Though my viewing habits may seem a tad stuffy I don't think I am the only one who feels this way. I'd rather watch a Caligula biography or a good Forensic Files over Fear Factor and Survivor any day. I also don't think canceling Growing Up Gotti & Airline, but renewing Dog the Bunny Hunter and Criss Angel, Mindfreak is a step in the right direction.
Hopefully, the networks will take a hint. Not everyone wants what is trendy or hot this month. Some of us still prefer quality over quantity.

Word Of The Day

2006-02-04T00:10:00.000-06:00

I have my Google homepage setup so that it spews forth a word of the day. Today's word seemed strangely appropriate...

Disparate, adjective:
1. Fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind.
2. Composed of or including markedly dissimilar elements.

That is me.

Fear & Loathing In Wisconsin

2006-01-29T00:39:00.000-06:00

Sorry for being all MIA lately. I've been having a severe bout of having nothing to say. It doesn't happen all that often, but it does happen.

I've mostly been consumed by my employment quest & exercising. So pretty much I build up stress looking for a job & going to interviews. Then I get rid of it by doing lots of cardio. The exercise also has the added bonus of shrinking my waistline. I'm all for that. Though I'm pretty sure my sudden determination to lose weight has a lot to do with the fact that I have no control over anything else in my life. Oh, yeah...and the Jew has something to do with it too.

I've also decided January is the second worst month of the year. The worst is March, it's so fucking long. January however is a close second. I'm in some kind of post holiday funk. I'm convinced my few friends hate me. Alternately, they find me so boring as of late that calling me is just too much effort.

Did I mention thanks to my 5 minute job my unemployment benefits are all screwed up? I really love it when the government decides that I don't really need those pesky weekly checks that keep my car from being repossessed & my phone functioning.

Ok, I'm done venting for now. I just really hate being karma's bitch sometimes.

I will be writing something that is actually interesting soon. If nothing else I may start writing up some of my old life adventures just so I don't abandon my blog for too long a time.

KP

Give Me Liberty AND Give Me Death

2006-01-17T11:47:00.000-06:00

Being a law junkie I love knowing every time the Supreme Court takes a shit. I do happen to be avoiding all the hoopla around Bush's latest nomination Alito. I guess my feeling on that is if Bush picked him, I don't want him on the court. However, today the Court handed down a ruling on something I do find worthy of discussion: The physician assisted suicide law in Oregon.

My Opinion:
The right to die issue is something I get very passionate about. I recall in my college biomedical ethics class going over case after case of life being medically sustained for no other reason than to generate revenue. It honestly turned my stomach. Terry Schiavo is probably the most recent case in everyone's mind, but there are tons of these cases out there. People such as Nancy Cruzan & Karen Ann Quinlan were kept alive in much the same way Schiavo was only in their cases the parents did not object to stopping life sustaining measures. It was the State, the fucking government, who felt they knew better what the person would have wanted. I'd love it if every person over the age of 18 had a living will, but they don't. In the event a tragedy strikes I would much rather have my family & friends determine my fate not some bureaucracy.

I really think life should be about quality not quantity. We all have an expiration date, it's part of the mortality deal. If you were confronted with a long, painful & terminal illness wouldn't you at least want the option to decide for yourself how long you want to suffer? I have watched both of my grandparents die from cancer as well as other people I considered family. It isn't pretty & it can be terribly slow. Everyday seems like forever. A hellishly long time while you wait for a call you know is coming. I can't imagine it being any better when you are on the dying end of that wait.

For anyone troubled by my opinions thus far I offer some irony: I know that in cases of cancer a lot of people are actually being assisted into death. It may not be called physician assisted suicide in the Jack Kevorkian sense, but really it is. Most terminal cancer patients are treated with morphine for the pain. Basically the morphine dose is increased until the person dies. Notably, I don't know of any right to life group that has a problem with easing pain even if it speeds up death. Just something to think about.

Sidebar Rant:
In a somewhat disturbing turn of events while looking for the actual decision in this case (yes, I'm lame & read case decisions) I came across an article stating most Americans can't name the Supreme Court Justices. My skin crawled at the notion. I'm not shocked by the survey's results, but a bit disgusted to see it in print.
The SC is the last word on law in this country. The least corrupt & probably most intelligent branch of the government and people fail to take notice of them. These people are not elected, they don't campaign & finagle their way into the position. Right or not, the SC is also the least checked branch of government. Have you ever heard of a Court decision being overturned by another branch? No, because it doesn't happen. For those of you who panic every time a Senator gets a blowjob I say wake the fuck up. The end of the line for the Constitution in this country does NOT lie with the politicians or the president, it lies within the Supreme Court. If you actually care about your rights you really should pay more attention to the Court. At least be able to name half of the Justices for chrissake.
End Rant.

The Ramifications from a Legal Perspective:
Back to the point...I am happy as well as concerned about how this decision came out. The decision was 6-3, a relatively strong decision. However, I could have named the dissenters before I read any further. The dissenters were Scalia, Thomas (who chronically votes the way Scalia does, he is so Scalia's bitch as well as being an appointment of Bush Sr) & the first vote from Bush's foot soldier, Roberts.

If Alito is confirmed I am positive these are the Justices with whom he will side. The Court will be down one O'conner & plus one scary ass republican. Welcome to the Nazi Court. I can only hope the rest of the Justices hold on until Dubya is out of office.

One of the things I appreciated about the Rehnquist Court was it didn't favor Federal control over State's rights. I can tolerate the red states existing with their intelligent design, anti-abortion, gay hating, god & gun loving mentality as long as I can stay safely in my blue state where logic reigns supreme. Since I can't change the ideals of every right winger on the planet I should at least be able to avoid them.

Obviously I am thrilled with the decision itself. I will never find undue torture preferable to physician assisted suicide. I'm glad to know that if worse comes to worse I can move to Oregon to die. I never want to end up a Nancy Cruzan or Terry Schiavo (I wonder if my blog can be used in court to prove that?). Hell, I don't even think I'd want to end up a Christopher Reeve or Stephen Hawking. Just like there are reasons to live, there are reasons to die (Now I have 'Turn, turn, turn' in my head). Either way I think the choice should be left up to the individual. The argument isn't all that different than the ones I'd put forth for abortion rights or the decriminalization of prostitution & drugs. At some point adults have to be allowed to make their own decisions about their own lives. There is no one law with the ability to cover all people in all situations. I am an individual with my own mind. I do not need the government reducing my life down to a least common denominator.

I know this is not the end of the debate by any means. I'm not a great legal mind, but I do think using the controlled substances act as a reason to declare the law unconstitutional was a weak choice. In the future I'm sure the right to life people will find another way to bring the issue before the Court. Hopefully Gonzales v. Oregon will set a precedent for the Court to fall back on the next time.

How To Lose A Job In One Day

2006-01-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

I have been somewhat MIA. The new year & all has me on several missions to improve my current lot in life. The most important one being I really want a job. However, I am apparently the worst potential employee known to man. I have two job hunting nightmares for those of you who share and/or laugh at the pains I am going through to find employment.

1) Freud? Is that you?
I have a huge problem with the hip new trend of psychoanalyzing potential employees. Last Friday I set up two interviews for the following Monday. Before my scheduled interviews I was asked to complete some assessments. "Some assessments" turned out to be about ten total. Isn't that a tad excessive for two companies? Anyway, I don't mind taking the company's gay little tests as long as they are relevant. The tests broke down into three categories: Personality, practical & 'What the fuck?'. I am fine with practical assessments. If you want to make sure I know what a mouse & keyboard are, fine. The other two types on the other hand irritated me to no end.

*Personality Assessments:
Honestly, this seems like cheating to me. Everyone glosses over the bad & highlights the good things about themselves to get a job. It is part of the game. Nobody goes into an interview saying 'Hi I'm a complete jackass but I can fake my way through a work day'. Having a potential employee take a personality test is really taking away their ability to well, lie. For a job with the geek squad I was forced to take a 20 page personality test. It's the fucking best buy. Get over yourselves. I also have had to take the Disc Classic test as well as identify my Jungian personality type. I really don't think whether or not I like to take solitary walks on the beach has anything to do with how I perform at a job. If this was the FBI or something I might understand a deep seated concern about my sanity. However, for your average job I don't think the pre-employment psych drill is necessary. I know I'm a little neurotic, crazy & sometimes I hate people. So what? Find me a person on this planet who is exactly the same at work as they are outside of work. It doesn't happen. So to all the companies out there who love these tests I offer this advice: Take you pseudo shrink practices & shove them up your ass.

*What the fuck? Assessments:
I open the second assessment I was sent from a particular company & find it titled "Sales Success Profile". I guess this wouldn't have been too upsetting had I been applying for a sales job. I am not a sales person. I couldn't sell water to someone stranded in the desert. On top of that I was in fact applying for a PC support job. PC support, as in user breaks computer, I fix it. So I open this 50 question multiple choice test all about sales. I swear I would have rather done calculus while being sodomized. As far as I could tell the questions broke down into the how much should you lie to people questions, what to do at a presentation questions & how to be a good sales person questions. I fix computers for a living you fucktards! I know nothing about qualifying a buyer, making a close or what the hell a 'bird dog' is unless you are talking about golden retrievers. Needless to say I had a very unproductive 10 minute interview with said company & promptly got a thanks, but no thanks email.

2) A One Day Stand At Anal Inc:
Believe it or not, I got a job this week. However, I think I may have set a Guinness record for going from unemployed to unemployed again. My week went something like this:
Monday
1:30pm - 4:15pm: Interview at Anal Inc
6:00pm: Get job offer from Anal Inc

Tuesday
2:00pm: Go to recruiter's office to fill out paperwork & take drug test (onsite - it was a little creepy)

Wednesday
9:00am: Start job
My day then consisted of sitting around staring at people working, asking a few questions and bonding with the other new employee. I also noticed that the job seemed very much like a part time job I had when I was 20. If I wanted to sit in front of host sessions looking up customer information all day I would have gone back to that job where I at least like the people.
5:00pm: Leave job wondering how long I would have to be there before I was driven to kill myself. However, I was still trying to be optimistic about the fact that I at least had my foot in the door somewhere. I figured I could prove myself as I went along.

Thursday
7:00am: Brave ice storm to arrive at job. Sit through an hour and a half of training that was for people who already knew the system.
8:30am - 12:00pm: Sit & stare at other people working.
12:00pm: Recruiter arrives to tell me I have been deemed 'not a good fit' for the position & escorts me out of the building.

Yup, I managed to bomb this job in 8 hrs flat. I'm not entirely sure how. The explanation I was given by the recruiter was I was not a 'good fit'. Anal Inc had determined this by the time they had their daily call Wednesday night. 'Not a good fit' was determined by two actions: I had asked for a computer on the first day so I could log my time (though the other new guy had asked as well) & I didn't seem enthusiastic about training. Thinking back to the day before the only thing I said related to training was I asked if the training would be beneficial and/or relevant to us since we really didn't know anything about the systems they used. Apparently the supervisor (who I hadn't interviewed with & he seemed rather bitter about that fact) translated my question into: "I don't want to be here". A radical interpretation of the text don't you think?

I will say that it was not the job they had purported it to be. It may have seemed technical to non-technical people, but me & the other new guy both agreed the job was strictly a customer service rep position. Since that was the case we were a little confused as to why Anal Inc had hired two highly technical people at roughly twice the pay rate of any other employee. I know we were making that much more because my cohort had apparently got into a discussion about pay on the first morning of the first day. I later explained that for future reference he should not ever bring up pay with coworkers.
It also became apparent that I was the only college educated person outside of the management. I have found this tends to intimidate people. I don't flaunt it or anything. However, I happen to be an educated person & will not portray myself as anything less than that.

Overall, it was a disaster. I had a weird vibe from the second I showed up for the interview. I thought it would pass & I'd at least be able to stick out the job for a few months until I could find something else. Guess not.

I get the distinct feeling my numerous job hunting disasters are a sign of something. What that something is I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I am suppose to go to law school or start my own business with my mom...If this is a sign though, I wish someone would come & translate it for me, because clearly I'm missing something.

I think I'm too smart & assertive to be a good drone, but not experienced enough for a company to give me a chance at something more than that. I'm willing to be a grunt for awhile, I know I'm not above that. However, I think my personality is so distinct people read me incorrectly, make assumptions about me & then are compelled to act on their interpretations. Alternately, I am just a total bitch and don't even realize it. I guess I'd be more apt to believe the latter if I had some horrible work history or bounced jobs. That just isn't the case. I have never been at a job for less than 3 years in my life. So, what the deal is I'm not entirely sure.

Alas, I am back to square one...Stayed tuned for more fear & job hunting in Wisconsin.

2005: Survival of the Fittest?

2006-01-04T20:11:00.000-06:00

Before I get to my resolutions I have to do a quick recap of my 2005. If for no other reason than I am going to prove '06 can't be worse unless I end up a quadriplegic. So here is the '05 post game wrap up to be followed by the 2006 preseason post - The actual season doesn't start until I either a) Have my w2 or b) Can put the correct year on a check the first time.

Glad this shit is over....
Jan/Feb: I spent most of this time traveling for work. Nothing like taking 3 airplane flights in a week with the flu to go hang out at radionuclear pharmacies where everything is anally monitored & you might die while setting up some guy's email.

February, part 2: 13 hours after I got off my last flight from my last business trip after 9 months on a project I promptly fell & broke my leg. The dangerous act that led to my demise? Walking down my driveway. I'm still bitter I don't have a better story for my first & only broken bone. Never once while riding some crazy horse did I hurt myself that bad. Nor when I use to consumed twice my weight in drugs on a weekly basis did I end up in this situation. Nope, just trying to get to work. Fucking fate.

March - June: Deal with broken leg, eat painkillers, go to physical therapy. Thanks to physical therapist end up getting my flat ass feet casted (the word 'cast' makes one a tad jumpy after just having gotten out of one, trust me) so I can pay $180 to have the ultimate in old person accessories: Orthotics.

March: Had a brief relationship with an adorable yet flaky creature named Jay. A total hottie & with a giant vocabulary. Plus, bonus points to me for seducing him while my leg was in the cast which was covered up by what I refer to as 'the shit brown bootie'.

June: The Intern. All I have to say on that is STAY AWAY FROM THE YOUNG ONES.

July: As repayment for me busting my ass on an $11 million dollar integration I got a 3% raise followed exactly one week later by a firing. In all fairness I was begging to get fired, literally in some cases. Also, the month I officially started my blog.

August: Celebrated my firing & 26th birthday (8/1) by donning a new tattoo. Reveled in my state sponsored unemployment by getting shit done around the house.

September: Realized how much I suck at the whole getting a job process. Oh, and the juggler.

October: This would be when Mr. Robinson came into the picture. Still not sure if that was a good or bad thing.

November: I didn't feel thankful at all. Do you think karma got me back for that?

December: Started exercising & made my goal of losing 8 lbs by xmas eve. Suffered through the holiday season including one ill fated trip to NY. Finished off the year with a mini bash at IV's house. The shindig included doing those things you can only do guilt free on a holiday like New Year's as well as horrible photos being taken of me. Proof is available here, I'd be the fat one.

So to 2005 I say fuck off & don't come back...ever.

I Always Sucked At Team Sports

2006-01-03T12:46:00.000-06:00

My dear sweet best friend has tagged me. So here it goes...

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
1. Horse Barn Slave
2. Bagel Girl @ Einstein's
3. Data Entry Girl
4. Girl Computer Tech

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Wonderboys
2. Silence of the Lambs
3. A&E Serial Killer DVD set (I don't have much patience for movies)
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD

Four Places You've Lived:
1. Wauwatosa, WI
2. Waukesha, WI
3. Fulton, MO
4. Sorry, that's all I got

Four TV Show You Love to Watch:
1. CSI, Original ONLY! (If William Peterson isn't a hot old guy I don't know who is)
2. Forensic Files
3. Cold Case Files
4. City Confidential
*These shows would be known in my house collectively as 'Dead body TV'. Yeah, I'm special.

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Blog Explosion
2. Pogo
3. Google
4. Collar Me

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
1. Veal, no I don't care that it is dead baby cow
2. Mozzarella, Roma & Basil salad
3. Bacon
4. Pork roast w/broccoli & mashed potatoes

Four Albums You Can't Live Without (at least for the moment):
1. Exile in Guyville, Liz Phair
2. Human Wheels, John Mellencamp
3. Crossing Jordan, Soundtrack
4. Yes I Am, Melissa Etheridge

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
1. New York
2. Egypt
3. Northern California
4. Baltimore

My turn to cause pain...
Four People Who Are Now Obligated to Do This to Their Blog:
1. Eric
2. Dave
3. Tina
4. Rob

The Jew Christmas Whoring Of 2005

2005-12-26T21:27:00.000-06:00

Yeah, that card about sums it up. Actually I think nice straightforward beating would have been an improvement over my holiday weekend. However, I think I could easily be nominated for some sort of Guinness record for most screwed up Christmas ever.
If only I were making this up....

Christmas Eve:
It started normal enough. My usual holiday Jeckyl & Hyde mood swings were in full effect. I was wrapping last minute presents & watching football. I got a call from Mr. Robinson. We chatted for awhile & he mentioned that he had Monday off and asked me to come out to NY on Sunday. I promptly explained to him that since I wasn't Jewish I actually had some place to be on Sunday with my family. My mother then gets a call from my aunt who announces my dad will not be attending Christmas on Sunday. Christmas Day in my family might as well be called 'The day of the year I see my father'. So to find out he was not coming was a little shocking. My mom, strange romantic that she is, proceeds to explain my invitation to go to NY. For whatever reason my crazy catholic aunt thinks that instead of Christmas at her house I should most certainly go to NY.
Now what do I do? Talk about not having any experience to draw from...
I consulted the best friend who again said NO about 50 million times. I decided to tell MR that my plans had changed & I might be able to make it on Sunday after all, but decided to refrain from committing to anything until after I did the Christmas Eve thing with mom's side of the family.
I think the highlight of the evening would half to be when I learned that grandpa & his "lover" (who was in attendance wheelchair and all) had given up trying to have sex. Whew! Oh but wait, instead they hang out at the nursing home watching dirty movies! Great, now I get to picture grandpa watching porn. Sigh.
I put in my required four hours of attendance & took off with the family's yay vote to go to NY in hand.
I got home, called Mr Robinson & told him to book the ticket. I did so mainly to get it over with it. You can get along great with someone online, but it means nothing until you meet in person.
My ticket was booked at about 12:30 am for a 7:00 am flight. Between packing, my nerves & the early flight I got all of 2.5 hrs of sleep. This should have been a sign.

Getting There:
I arrive at the airport a little late, but since I didn't have any bags to check I wasn't too worried as I went to check in. As my ticket prints out from the little kiosk I see the kiss of death: SSSS. For those of you who don't travel this is airline code for 'You are a fucking terrorist bastard who needs to be strip searched before getting on the plane'. They claim it is random who gets selected for the super security check, but as I told the security folks at the Denver airport, RANDOM MY ASS! (Not that I recommend announcing such things to airport security personnel). Honestly though I'm plagued with the dreaded super security tag about 95% of the time. I do back flips when I get to go through the normal people line. Seriously.

I eventually get to my plane (down one cigarette lighter) & board. When I get on the plane the first thing the flight attendant (who was a dead ringer for Karen on Will & Grace) announces is that we have no ground power supply for the plane. What this means is there will be no heat on the plane until they turn the engine on. Once in the air the captain announces a smooth flight lasting about an hour and forty minutes.
All of those things turn out to be lies.
Lie#1: The Temprature Will Be Fine By The Time We Take Off
Gee, it is Wisconsin in December who would want something like heat on their plane? I had not previously known about the whole ground power thing before this Sunday. I do now & damn if it isn't important. I in fact would not regain feeling in my extremities until halfway through the flight.
Lie #2: Smooth Flight My Ass
No sooner do I tempt fate and ask for coffee then we immediately hit turbulence. By the way do you have any idea how much intestinal fortitude one has to have to order airplane coffee in the first place? Anyway, it wasn't awful turbulence, but certainly bumpy enough to test my ability to control a cup of coffee.
Lie#3: One Hour & Forty Minute Flight
I managed to fall asleep on the plane simply from exhaustion. When I wake up it is about 10 am eastern. I mistakenly think perfect, we will be landing any minute. Then the captain comes on the speaker. We are not landing, we are in fact in a holding pattern because there is about 2000 feet of visibility at LaGuardia. Then to comfort us, apparently, he says that if we can't land before we run out of gas the plane will be diverted. Ok, so let me get this straight: We can't land & we are 20 minutes from being out of gas at 30,000 feet? Wonderful.

We did in fact end up being diverted to Allentown, Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Christmas day plans I had in mind. While sitting on the ghost town like tarmac of Allentown waiting for the airport people to figure out how much money they wanted for being nice enough to let us not die a fiery death it occurred to me hanging out with the catholics suddenly didn't sound so bad. At least since we were on the ground I could use my cell phone. So I called Mr Robinson & explained my situation, he was less than thrilled. So, there I was with an undetermined amount of free time & had forgotten my MP3 player and/or a book. I resorted to scribbling notes down for this post on the stupid business reply cards I'd found in the Skymall magazine for entertainment. The whole time I had Billy Joel's Allentown going through my head. I don't even like that song in the first place, but apparently my brain found it appropriate to play since that is the only thing I know about Allentown PA. I will say that my Billy Joel moments were not nearly as disturbing as listening to the white boy teenager behind me attempting to compose a rap about Allentown.
Every so often there was an announcement about our status. The first one was basically 'We don't have a clue what is happening'.
The second one was about the temperature. Remember the ground power we didn't have in Milwaukee? We had one in Allentown. So instead of freezing to death they managed to keep the plane at a temperature equivalent to the temperature in the 7th circle of Dante's inferno. I made some feeble attempts to bond with my plane mates, but mostly just thought about smoking a cigarette & flipping through the Skymall looking for the strangest item. I decided it was most definitely the light up slippers:
The next announcement was about our lack of priority. LaGuardia had lifted it's ground stop & planes could now land, however since we were on the ground we were considered low priority. What the fuck? Ever been to Allentown's airport? You'd think twice about leaving anyone stranded there I promise.
Then there was the flight attendant's announcement about singing Christmas carols for dollars. Great, now I'm stuck on Karaoke Air.
Finally, after over an hour of bullshit, the announcement came that we were taking off for our whopping 25 minute flight into NY.

Wholly Crap! Terra Firma!
After landing at LaGuardia I realized that being diverted wasn't the worst thing to have happen. Far worse was to be the people who hadn't gotten on a plane yet. The terminal I had landed at more closely resembled a concentration camp as opposed to an airport. I carefully picked my way through the corpses & the screaming babies grateful to be moments away from FINALLY getting a cigarette. I nearly jumped over the counter of a news stand for some matches & rushed outside. Apparently I looked so fried that random people were walking up to me announcing how much I looked like I needed a cigarette. I then got a cab to Manhattan. I really hate cabbies I can't even remotely understand. This particular one was Jamaican. Halfway through the trip to Mr Robinson's apartment there is a toll bridge. The cabbie keeps asking me if I want him to use his zipper. Excuse me? Convinced something really fucked up is going on I have him repeat the phrase several more times. Eventually I discern that he is in fact not asking me to do anything with his pants, but is asking if I want him to use his EZ pass. Fucking New York.

Moment (or hours as it were) Of Truth:
I will admit my initial reaction to Mr. Robinson was something along the lines of "Oh my god, he looks like a cancer patient". His hair was grayer & there was quite a bit less of it than I had surmised from his photos. However, he didn't slam the door in my face & I didn't run screaming so it was a start.
I was a tad stunned at his enthusiasm though. Clearly we were going to have sex. I didn't realize he would try to jump me upon arrival. I was 3 hours late getting there, had gotten no sleep, looked awful even by my own standards & had just entered a strange NY apartment belonging to a man who may or may not intend to chop me into little pieces. Anyone else wondering why maybe my libido wasn't firing on all cylinders? I get him to chill out & mention I could use some food. The bags of mini pretzels & half frozen granola bars I had gotten on the plane were not exactly life sustaining at that point. We ended up walking down to a small diner and getting some food which went a long way in calming my nerves.
We got back to the apartment & there was about 2 hours until the Packer game. So, Mr. Robinson, the pure hormone that he is, decided that now I had definitely been on the ground long enough to have sex. I was more game for it at that point. It actually wasn't bad sex considering I was still a little disoriented & overwhelmed by the situation. It also wasn't bad considering this was the oldest cock I had ever been near. Also, at 40 he has a better body then I've ever had. It was a little depressing.
After the sex he seemed much more capable of being a normal human being which was comforting. We watched the Packer game. As usual my team was sucking ass so MR decides he is going to show me how to play bridge. This actually ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. We talked, he was explaining the game while he played, then let me play for awhile. It's kind of addictive in the same way Sudoku is.
We then ordered some Thai food. If there is one perk to being in a big city it has to be the food. No way in hell could I have had Thai delivered on Christmas day in Wisconsin. The food was awesome too. The plan was then to go see Syriana, but we ended up watching the Vikings game & falling asleep. Well, sleep is a relative term. I figured after we went to bed I'd have no trouble sleeping. I was over my fear that he was going to chop me into a million pieces so no problem right? Wrong. Old New York apartments have steam heat. I had never experienced steam heat before. Basically the deal is every 5 fucking minutes the heat kicks in and it sounds like someone is releasing air from a valve. I don't know how the hell one gets use to this obnoxious sound.
When we got up Monday morning it was basically time for coffee, a recap & then I had to go catch my plane. So there I was sucking down fairly decent coffee, lighting my cigarettes on the stove since my matches were all gone & discussing the experience with MR.
The verdict was pretty neutral. He thought I was too fat (he did say it nicer than that) & was upset that I hadn't taken 3 showers since I'd been there (less than 24 hours mind you) the way he had. I have good hygiene, but am a little weirded out taking showers in other people's places. Call me crazy but I think he was way overly upset by the shower thing. Then he has the nerve to say he wanted to fuck me again, but since I didn't take enough showers he didn't. What the hell is that?
I found him a little too neurotic & the hairline was just way rougher than I expected. When we were having sex all I kept thinking was 'Wow, you are so like a dirty old man', even though the sex itself was good. No wonder guys like fucking younger girls. I mean body aside, at least I have a face worth looking at in the throes of passion.

Homeward Bound:
By 9:40 am I kissed him goodbye & was safely in a cab back to LaGuardia. The plane was about 10 minutes late getting there. When we finally boarded I realized something very important: DO NOT FLY THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! Ok, you can fly, but I don't recommend it unless you either love demon children or are extremely masochistic. First I got stuck with a window seat. I hate window seats. I like watching the take off & landing, but I always feel cramped by the window. Then the row behind me, my row & the row in front of me all fill up with the same set of passengers: 2 parents (What happened to the good ol' days when everyone was divorced?), a toddler & a fucking baby. I just sat there squished against my window thinking about the suffering to come from the screaming babies & antsy toddlers surrounding me. Couldn't I have just gotten a nice terrorist looking guy instead? At least then I could have slept on the flight. Then of all the dads on the plane I get the tallest one & of course he is a total Madison hippie. Just trust me on this one. If you are from Wisconsin you can spot a granola munching, bike loving, shower hating Madison hippie at a mile. Before we even took off he had whipped out homemade trail mix for the kids.
Another thing about parents...Why are they always armed with crackers? Within five minutes of take off all I could smell was that distinct odor of children eating crackers. It was a lot like being gang raped by 20 men who had just downed a bag of fritos each. I hate the smell of crackers and frito breath for that matter.

Home Sweet Home?
I was glad to be home in one piece. I was even glad that I made the trip out there. Though not a resounding success at least now I knew what to think of the situation. What I wasn't thrilled about was explaining any of the events to my people back home. Mom got the short & sweet version and that seemed to quell her interest. It was probably apparent that it hadn't been awful, but it hadn't been amazing either.
I went out there with realistic expectations so I wasn't overly upset or disappointed. Well, I wasn't until I talked to the best friend. Her take on the situation was that he had basically flown me out there for sex, could have cared less about me as a person & he might as well have left a $50 on the nightstand. I can understand that to a point, but it didn't feel quite that cheap to me at the time. Alternately I'm so use to being treated that way it doesn't even faze me anymore. Something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. I'm clearly the ugly brown clearance pile sweater of dates. I'm just grateful for getting a second look.
Plus, sometimes it's just nice to have a warm body. Someone to make you feel a little less lonely even if it's only for a short while.

So that was my Christmas '05. I think I'm going to go put Fuck & Run by Liz Phair on repeat...

Oops, I Have A Sex Blog

2005-12-22T16:25:00.000-06:00

So, my little ol' blog has been nominated for a Best of Blog award thanks to Bonanza. There is a catch though...I've been nominated as a sex blog! The ironic thing is I actually have an adult blog that was going to be where I dumped all my adventures & exploits, but it hasn't really turned out that way. Plus, I know a lot of my visitors here wait on the edge of their seats for my next disasterous sexcapade.
I guess since my blog is only about 5 months old I didn't really expect to get a nomination. That seems like something for the cool, popular blogs. However, I think I'm going to revel in my 15 minutes (or 30 seconds) of fame and recap the sex posts in one place. Hope you all enjoy them as much as BJ does!
My Best (or worst...depending on your viewpoint) Stories:
- Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather
- Mom & Leather Part 2: Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me
- Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra
- Sex & The Single Girl
- ...And Then He Juggled
- The Intern

Some dirty rants:
- Are Men This Insecure or Am I Just A Bad Lay?
- Bite Me
- But I Don't Want God In My Threesome!
- Abstinence Redefined

Random & amusing:
- Iron Hymen
- Divine Intervention

Now that I have listed the posts out (and I skipped some) it has become clear why I am a sex blog nominee and I'm totally ok with that.

Down With Dover!

2005-12-20T12:57:00.000-06:00

I never broke down & wrote an Intelligent Design post. The whole thing angers me so much I was pretty sure my head would explode if I tried to put my thoughts down on paper, or on monitor as it were. I also try to dodge any topic bloggers have beaten to death. If there are 8 million posts on something already the odds of me adding anything new are slim to none. That being said I am ecstatic to hear about the federal court ruling against ID in the Dover Public School district.
I'd love to bitch & moan about the stupidity of the ID supporters at large. Instead I offer up an article that pretty much sums up the best reason I can think of to keep religion out of schools: Religion will be the downfall of modern society. So if you are all for abortions, STDs & higher murder rates go ahead and keep shoving your god down my throat. But when everything goes to hell in a handbasket just remember those of us who warned you that the handbasket didn't exist in the first place.

Societies Worse Off When They Have God On Their Side
By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent

RELIGIOUS belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

It compares the social performance of relatively secular countries, such as Britain, with the US, where the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many conservative evangelicals in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and amorality.

Many liberal Christians and believers of other faiths hold that religious belief is socially beneficial, believing that it helps to lower rates of violent crime, murder, suicide, sexual promiscuity and abortion. The benefits of religious belief to a society have been described as its “spiritual capital”. But the study claims that the devotion of many in the US may actually contribute to its ills.

The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Society, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Gregory Paul, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions.

He compared social indicators such as murder rates, abortion, suicide and teenage pregnancy.

The study concluded that the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional. Mr Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “ uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr Paul said: “The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

Mr Paul delayed releasing the study until now because of Hurricane Katrina. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion might actually contribute to social ills. “I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” he added.

He said that most Western nations would become more religious only if the theory of evolution could be overturned and the existence of God scientifically proven. Likewise, the theory of evolution would not enjoy majority support in the US unless there was a marked decline in religious belief, Mr Paul said.

“The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator.

“The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore refuted.”

Sunday Is A Good Day To Be Pointless

2005-12-18T20:30:00.000-06:00

It's true. Only on Sunday does doing nothing seem overly appropriate. So, my post today (partially inspired by I Talk Too Much's weblog awards) is devoted to two blogs I find incredibly pointless. Normally I don't dis other blogs. It's kind of low even for me. Not to mention I may alienate a potential reader. I mean just because I think these people are crazy doesn't mean they couldn't love my amazing blog right?

*No links to these sites will be provided in an attempt to save you the suffering I have gone through. However, if you are a masochist both can be found through Blog Explosion.

Loser #1: Humpty Lumpty
The gist of this blog is that a woman pumped out 4 kids and is now having plastic surgery to repair the 'damage' they have caused her body. As someone who is constantly struggling with weight I can not feel this woman's pain in the least. From what I can gather she is about 5'4" & 119lbs. The way her posts read you'd think she weighed 300lbs.
I am 5'7" and look decent for my 201lbs. I have weighed more & on occasion less. Either way it is something that I have had to deal with my whole life & it is not easy. Therefore I can NOT sympathize with this whiny self obsessed bitch. If her body was so important then why put it through four fucking pregnancies??
The post line that put me over the edge: Soon I will be able to have sex with my husband without being embarrassed about being on top.
So basically what you are saying is that your husband is as shallow as you are & you clearly aren't comfortable in your own body. I don't think surgery will fix either of those things sweetie.

Loser #2: 3 Is The Charm
First off I just have to note that the proper use of the cliche is to say "The third time is the charm'. If you are lame enough to name your blog with a cliche at least respect yourself enough to use the cliche properly. Otherwise you just look like an idiot.
On to the content...Apparently the only way this guy could stay married was to get jesus in on the action. He is on his 3rd marriage and is wholly convinced this one is working because he let the lord in on the action.
There was an article in Rolling Stone this summer about virginity. Reading the article so infuriated me that it became the catalyst for this blog (Go back & read it, it's a funny post). I have huge problems with the idea of making all sexual relationships threesomes with god! That is just retarded.
Awhile back I ended up on the date from hell with an Irish Catholic (he was even originally from Boston). In between his stories about beating up people in a noble way he informed me that before he has sex with a girl he always takes off his crucifix. Apparently even he knew that god is not needed for people to have orgasms.
Just so we are all clear on how not to irritate me: Use cliches properly. Only refer to sex & god at the same time if it is in the context of "She couldn't stop screaming 'Oh God!' last night".
The post line that put me over the edge: The gay ass banner on the top that announces "As for me & my blog will serve the lord".
Whatever, all blogs are for the most part self-indulgent. Even mine. There is nothing in the bible about blogs so ditch the lame ass banner.

The Runners Up:
*Mommy blogs: You know who you are. I don't care that your offspring took a shit today.
*Haiku Blogs: What is up with these? You can count syllables & this means you need a blog? I really hate haikus. Poetry for the lame & unartistic.
*Blogs that make noise without me asking them to: I block audio blogs for a reason. I hate surfing blogs only to get stuck with some fucking Celine Dion song blaring at me, an audio clip of the blogger themselves (What? Are you too lazy to type? Spell check down? Please), music videos, any sort of talking audio widget that you have decided your blog could not survive without or (as happened to me today) a Dubya speech that no matter what I did could not be shut the fuck up.

Are Men This Insecure or Am I Just A Bad Lay?

2005-12-16T14:12:00.000-06:00

I recently discovered this column over at Wired called Sex Drive. It has to be one of the most interesting things to read. Regina Lynn likes to talk about sex toys, Christians who make sex machines, pretty much any sex gadget she comes across makes it here. Being the libidinous creature that I am I love reading her articles.
Check out:
*The Sex Machines Next Door: Sex machines as a divorce cure for Christians?
*Teledildonics: A vibe controlled by other people on the 'net. The best part is the link to Sinulator. At Sinulator there is a demo that involves what looks like a driving game console, only there is a rabbit vibe stuck in the middle of it for you to 'drive'. God bless the Internet.
*Happy Kitty, Not Hello Kitty: This thing seems brilliant to me. I can't describe it, just read the article. Of course right now you can only buy it on Ebay & it has a hefty $150 price tag. Maybe when I get a job....

Now today's column actually upset me a little. It's titled 'Who's getting stiffed here?'. Not suprisingly it is about sex toys. More specifically though that a lot of men are upset by them. Who knew? Apparently not me. I was shocked to read the following:

"Men have confessed their discomfort with sexual accoutrements to me before. They see them as competition, or as a criticism of their lovemaking technique. They look at the ridiculously huge dildos and wonder whether they'll measure up."

First off, just so you guys out there know...It can be TOO big! Size alone is not going to get you off the hook on technique. It's like having a stick shift sport's car. It can look all hot & pretty, but if you can't operate the fucking thing what good is it?
Also, men are not suppose to 'measure up' to toys. If that were the case women wouldn't deal with men ever because they'd be a chronic disappointment. I mean it isn't like I've ever looked at a guy & told him he could never please me because his dick isn't hot pink with rotating beads inside. Oh, I have one vibrator that has strobe lights in it & just like the package told me it is a NOVELTY item. There is no way in hell I'd be comfortable with a man whose dick had a built in strobe light feature. Please.
Toys are suppose to be for fun & add some diversity to one's sex life. Even if you memorize the Kama Sutra front to back there are still only so many ways you shove A into B.

"It seems to me that introducing an artificial aid into lovemaking ... can definitely provide a great increase in physical pleasure," Drew (not his real name) writes. "(But it) does so at the expense of emotional pleasure, for both partners."

"When I am giving my wife pleasure, it is me, my skill, my knowledge of her body and feelings," Drew writes. "With a toy it is a piece of plastic, and I might as well not be there. How can I express my commitment with a toy?"

Guys...Is this even remotely accurate? I've never had men balk at the concept of an accoutrement or two. Doesn't everyone try bondage at least once? Are the guys I've been with just not saying anything? Do I just sleep with very liberal men? How on earth does a vibrator remove the intimacy between partners?
What am I missing?!?!?

I'd really like to think this is just one guy's opinion. Otherwise I have a lot of shit I won't be needing anymore. Not to mention I'm going to have to seriously rethink what constitutes interesting sex.

Did Everyone Just Skip Jew Day In History Class?

2005-12-15T19:34:00.000-06:00

I am having a huge 'What the hell is wrong with people?' kind of day. For whatever reason my anger is directed at the stupidity of people when it comes to the Jews.
I happen to be a history buff of sorts. I love ancient, WW2 & middle eastern history the most. I took way too many history classes in college & spent an obscene amount of time in the Hebrew studies department...and no I'm not Jewish. Actually the short version of my heritage makes me a German Gypsy. So basically during the Holocaust I would have had to persecute myself.

Speaking of the Holocaust, in case anyone missed the memo (I know for sure it didn't make it to Iran)...IT DID FUCKING HAPPEN! I'm German, I know how anal we are. I'm pretty sure the records about those 6 million dead Jews were pretty fucking accurate. I think the only thing that would have made them more accurate was if the Nazi's had been able to use excel.

Ironically I do feel bad for the Palestinians as well. Personally, I blame the British but that only makes sense if you've read as much crap on the politics of the time as I have. Regardless, that doesn't negate the fact that the Jews got the short stick when it comes to the whole genocide thing.

Why the sudden bug up my ass about Jews? Aside from pre-existing obsession with the Holocaust there is the fact that I'm romantically interested in a Jew for the first time. However, I'm not the type to get on a high horse just because I have a thing for a Jew. The main reason is the fiasco in Iran. Some articles I've come across recently that drove me batty:

*Iran Leader: Move Israel To Europe - The article actually includes the subtitle 'Ahmadinejad casts doubt on Holocaust'. First off, there is no doubt. If you have any doubts about the occurrence of the Holocaust please get the fuck off my planet. Secondly, I'm going to have to go ahead & say that it is a little late to change where Israel is. Now, maybe in 1945 when the whole thing was just getting started I could see this. For all intensive purposes I don't think it was the best place for the Zionists to pick. Now they are there & have a population over 6 million. I don't think it is rational to think they should get up and move. I mean it's been a country for 60 years. Give it up already.
*Iranian president says Holocaust was 'fabricated' - See my feelings on Jewish conspiracies below.
*Hitler salute greets concentration camp visitors - Yep, apparently there are some Germans who think they won the war. I plan on going to see the concentration camps before I'm 30. I am going to go out on limb & say if there are singing Aryans when I arrive it will piss me off.

Enjoy the rest of my random tidbits about the Jews...Some are even funny I promise.

1) What is a Jew?
Just for the record most of the Jews I have met were Atheists (Can you blame them?). This is NOT an oxymoron. One who claims to be Jewish can be referring to the religion of Judaism. However they can also be referring to themselves as Jewish in reference to their ethnic background.

2) Can anyone tell me how the Jews ended up with such a bad rep?
This is a people that has been mercilessly persecuted for like the last 2000 years for no apparently good reason. I mean they roamed the desert for 40 fucking years. How dangerous can they be if their directions to the holy land were that bad? Sheesh.

3) The Jewish Conspiracies:
First there is the whole world domination theory that Hitler was big on. Even before the Holocaust Jews were approximately one tenth of one percent of the population. The idea that they were secretly plotting to take over the world is just asinine. Like they were really going to bring down civilization with a dreidel & a copy of the Old Testament.
Then there was the whole ritual murder of Christian children during the middle ages. Most days I think they are too many Christians any way, so picking off a few once a year doesn't seem like an entirely bad idea. There is zero proof that blood libel against Christians by Jews was anything but bullshit. Though notably the Catholic church didn't concede that it was a myth until the Vatican II in 1962. Gee, nice of them to take 500 years to admit they might be wrong about something.

4) Marketing should rethink this one:
Courtesy of Ivory Valentine I offer you the Little People Hanukkah Play Set. The first accessory listed for this quaint toy: "Pieces include: Stove unit with doors that open". I'm pretty sure the Jews have had enough of the whole oven thing at this point, but maybe that is just me.
5) Thwarting an unwanted advance Jew style:
So, Mr. Robinson went out to dinner with a friend of his a couple weeks ago. While at dinner someone who knew his older sister in college recognized him (how you recognize someone who was in high school the last time you saw them is beyond me). She tagged along with them to a bar & then shared a cab with MR back across town. When the cab got to her place she leaned over to kiss him. He wasn't interested. So he tells me "I did the Christian thing and turned the other cheek". I thought it was a hysterical answer.

6) Jews Surrender In The Holiday Tree Battle:
For an absolutely hysterical post from an actual Jew, go read Davenetics' post on what words Jews are taking back in exchange for the Christmas tree. My personal favorites:
*Wildly surpassing a woman’s lovemaking expectations: Jewing it
*New York: Jew York
*New Testament: Alternative Ending
*Paying Retail: Premature Ejaculation

I'm done with my Jewish history lesson now. I just get intensely frustrated when people condemn others for such pathetically stupid & inconsequential reasons. I guarantee if you talk to someone for 5 minutes they will give a good reason not to like them. One that has nothing to do with their race, sexuality, ethnicity or whatever other superficial hangup you may have. I'm all for equal opportunity hate.

(PS - I just won my 200th battle at BE! I'm feeling all Sally Field about it.)

QOD

2005-12-13T23:28:00.000-06:00

I don't have anything specific to write about today. However, me & the intern use to play QOD or quote of the day. It was usually whatever the wittiest thing one of us said during the course of the day. Since I'm unemployed now I can only play this game with the cats. It doesn't work as well. So, instead I offer a real quote. It's not witty, but thought provoking nonetheless:

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. - George Bernard Shaw

I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to do with myself & my life. It feels like change is afoot. Well, it's either change or I'm living up to my blog title and am officially having a quarter life crisis. Not sure which. However, if I start talking about buying a sport's car to compensate for the penis I don't have...Please send help. Preferably help armed with Haldol.

I was also talking to Mr. Robinson last night. His background & the fact that he has 14 years of life on me seems to be having an effect on my thinking. He doesn't let me get away with my overly dramatic stomp my feet & bitch act that I occasionally pull. Anyone who knows me knows I'm prone to slightly dramatic outbursts. If you can't shut down my drama queen act you probably won't be in my life long. The tripod will attest to this.

Anyway, my point is that I am normally a girl of action. Lately, I have been feeling more like a bystander in my own life & frankly I'm bored with that. I'm bored with excuses. Like the quote says you can't just sit there & bitch about circumstances. Sometimes you have to go make things happen. It's very much the "If a light bulb burns out do you change it or curse the darkness?" idea (alternately you could be catholic about it: Blame yourself for the light bulb burning out leaving you guilt ridden AND in the dark).

Nothing in life is an immovable object, so go fucking move whatever is in your way.

I'd Look Hot In A Straight Jacket

2005-12-12T15:26:00.000-06:00

The holidays do enough weird shit to my head without the added bonus of the rest of my life trying to fuck with me too. I feel impending insanity. This proclamation is mostly derived from the events of this past weekend...

Saturday: It's a nice day for a plane ride.
So at the somewhat early time of 9:15am my phone rings. I can tell by the ringtone it's Mr. Robinson. Yes, I am so smitten that he has his own ringtone so shoot me. Anyway, I answered & after a few minutes he asks if I'm feeling adventurous. Clearly this is a loaded question. No one calls you from NY at the ass crack of dawn to ask a question like that unless they have an adventure in mind. Sure enough he asked me to fly to NY. I don't mean sometime either. I mean in the 'Can you be ready in 4 hours?' kind of way. I don't know about the rest of you, but it isn't all that often I get calls to go have dinner & sex in Manhattan with an attractive, older, intelligent, rich guy I've never met (on his tab no less). My gut instinct was to go. I've done all the background checking on him I can & well, I really like him. I can't really blame him for not wanting to come to WI. I like it and everything, but it isn't NY by any stretch of the imagination. Case & point: I told him my house was worth two & quarter. He replies 'Million?'. Nope, here in WI when one says two & a quarter they mean $225,000.
Anyway, this strange request catches me off guard. I said give me an hour & I will let you know. Obviously I go to do what any girl would - Consult. First, I go to my mom. She was all for it. Then I attempted to reach the reasonable leg of the tripod, Black Eyed Gurl. However she wasn't answering the phone. So, I call the other leg, Ivory Valentine. Since her husband recently lost his mind & bought a brand new truck she was all for it. I got a yea vote based on the logic that life is short & it was only 24 hours. It just so happened that Black Eyed Gurl was on the other line. She was not enthusiastic about this at all. As a matter of fact I've never heard the word 'No' that much in one conversation. She sort of reminded those Capital One commercials with David Spade.
I did the right thing & consulted all the important women in my life. Then I decided to go. I called MR back & told him to book the ticket.
Well, after all this Saturday morning chaos he missed being able to book the ticket by approximately 20 minutes. Stupid airline security.
So, instead of a fabulous evening in NY I ended up playing Qwerty with my mom.

Would it have been so crazy to run off to NY or am I just delusional?

Sunday: The Packers won. Need I say more?
(However, to anyone who caught the game...Have you ever seen more hysterical refereeing? I mean there was a review that didn't involve being under the hood AND the head ref went out to flip the coin for overtime...except he didn't have a coin. Too funny.)

Monday: Today would be when I started eyeing up the straight jacket.
First I start off running behind for my latest meeting with a slave trade r. I was going to get my orthotics (shoe inserts for lay people) out of my running shoes so I could stick them in the boots I was wearing to the interview. I go to pull out the left one & of all 1600 square feet of floor space in my house one of the cats chose the exact location of my running shoes to hurl cat food chunks into. When you are pretty much starting the day by shoving your hand in cat vomit it really is safe to say it isn't going to be a good day.
I make it over to the recruiter/slave trader's office about a minute late. If there is one thing I hate about recruiters is that even with a resume and what not they insist you fill out these epic fucking online applications with your life history just so they don't have to do it. After I did that, a large man with a walking stick comes into the room. Not a cane, I'm talking a large stick. He then announces he has to go to the bathroom & disappears again. When he returned & we began to chat I find out that he has the stick because of his recent full knee replacement. I also learn about all the meds he is on. As if I couldn't tell he was a little out of it? We had a great conversation. He loved me. He told me I had a great resume, I was articulate & smart, the whole nine yards. As usual there is a catch to the story. I was beyond perfect for the position. I could have done it in my sleep. He was dying to submit me except for one little thing...
My hair color was not appropriate!
I honestly thought I was hearing things. My hair is dyed, yes. It is NOT some wild & crazy color not known to man or beast. He even consulted with another recruiter who worked the account more regularly and she agreed that they would not like my hair color for the interview. However, after I got the job I could go back to the color I have now and it would be fine.
I was stunned. It was by far the most asinine thing I have been told to date. Who thought I'd top the midget story so soon? I mean, I don't even get a chance to talk to someone because of my hair color? What the fuck is that???

I basically left there more determined than ever to go back to school. I don't care if it's law school or getting my Master's...whatever. I changing my career path & I'm getting the fuck out of this backwards ass state of mine.

It just so happens my interview was minutes away from the local mall. In some bizarre attempt to inflict more pain on myself I decided to go attempt some shopping. While looking for a parking space, which are hard enough to find this time of year, I see a car pulling out of a spot one aisle over. I whip around to the spot only to be confronted by the following sign:
Was I not just ranting about this?!? What part of your children aren't special nor do they raise your status in society are people not getting?!?!? I am a fucking human being who needs a parking spot too you heartless mall planning bastards! I just happen to be a mall patron who is capable of using BIRTH CONTROL!

So now totally on edge I head into the mall.
Earlier today my best friend was blogging about her mouse dying which was suppose to be replaced by the oh so awesome mouse I picked out for her for xmas. Unfortunately, the piece of shit couldn't hold out for like two more weeks. This basically negates the nicest present I had planned for her.
I was completely uninspired by anything else in the mall & decided to fuck up my diet and get one of those soft pretzels from the food court. I get my pretzel & cheese and sit down on a bench to indulge myself. A woman with bags up the ass politely asks if anyone is sitting next to me & my pretzel. I say no & scoot down. Of course she can't just leave me and my cheese sludge in peace. She had to be one of those 'I talk to strangers' people. Honestly, I don't even look approachable. So how I got stuck with this woman I don't know. We chat casually about xmas & what not. Then I made the mistake of asking if she had a large family. She answers: "I would if mom had been able to carry all her babies to term".
Is this what you tell strangers in the mall you freak? Have you not heard of 'Too much information'. It isn't like I had a readily available answer to that statement.
At this point I realized I was going to have a panic attack in the mall if I didn't get the fuck out of there. I seriously think that during the month of December all sedatives should be made available to anyone who wants them. Valium, xanex, darvaset...whatever you want. Screw fruit cakes. I say tis the season for over the counter narcotics.

So anyone who wants to get me a straight jacket & a trip to a resort with padded rooms for xmas I am all for it. That way at least I can lose my mind in a safe environment.

Rebels of the Week Award

2005-12-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Blackeyedgurl I ventured over to CNN this morning & actually read the news. I have to commend these two citizens for having gigantic balls that make even me jealous.

1) The Cafe Crusader
Dan McCauley actually took a stand against obnoxious children. In true Midwestern form he posted this sign:One of my old rants includes the damning of children in public. I don't have a problem with kids per se. I have a problem with unruly children. I also have a huge problem with parents who think that because they have children they are superior citizens who are allowed to fuck up my day at will.
Case & Point: A few weekends ago I was at the mall. I was in The Loft, a store with nice clothes clearly aimed at women over the age of 25. The store had a sort of dumbbell shape. It was open on the ends, but the middle was a tad cozy with the register & randomly placed seating benches. To get back to the dressing room I have to scoot through this narrow part where people are trying to pay & what not. In the middle of the store sucking up as much room as possible is a mom, a stroller complete with baby & her slightly older daughter who insisted on playing with the baby. This large child creature was completely unaware of anyone's existence outside of her own. First off, mom had her in moon boots. It was 50 fucking degrees out that day. Why on earth is this child tromping through the mall in moon boots?? Secondly in order to play with the baby the child had to stand in the middle of the only walking space that existed. Does her mother say anything as I announce loudly "Excuse Me!"? Nope. Does the child move at my request? Nope. So I'm stuck there stuck between moon boots & a rack of clothes desperately trying to get back to the dressing room. Finally the child moves just enough for me to eek past her. The best part? I got to repeat this ridiculous fucking event on the way back out of the store.

So in honor of Mr McCauley I offer a Bill Hicks Quote:

This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going "what, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special ... ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you, that they're NOT! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of TWO-HUNDRED MILLION that load, we're only talking about one load. Connected: gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off my chest with a grey gymsock. ENTIRE CIVILIZATIONS HAVE FLAKED AND CRUSTED IN THE HAIR AROUND MY NAVEL! I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh ... what's for fucking breakfast?!"

2) The Pummeled Professor
Professor Paul Mirecki not only had the balls to quit his job as the University of Kansas department chair, but also took a good old fashioned backwoods hick beating for being against creationism. At this point I really hope most people understand the whole creationism/intelligent design thing is crap. At the very least it is NOT, I repeat NOT science. It is a concept derived from faith. Faith is by definition a belief in something that can not be proven. If the belief can be proven one no longer needs faith in it. This is not rocket science.
I'm not sure what is going happening on a daily basis in Kansas that the people there are not understanding this, but holy shit to we need to straighten these idiots out. However, if this keeps up I may have to start a campaign to annex the state from the union. This will simplify the problem. If you are a moron who wants your children to grow up to be as stupid as you move to Kansas & hang out with all the like minded ignorant fucks you want.
Problem solved.

Amazon.com & Sperm: A Guide to gift giving

2005-12-05T12:58:00.000-06:00

I love Amazon. It is the great dumping ground for all kinds of things I want from books to movies to whatever. I keep my wish list as Amazon as sort of my wish list for the web. Anything I want but can't find in a store around my house is on that list: Strange independent foreign films, offbeat political shit, weird sex books....It's all on there and so much more.

One of the nifty things about Amazon is they point you at other items you might be interested in & provide recommendations based on past purchases. I thought this was a brilliant plan until I recently checked out my recommendations over at Amazon UK. There are a handful of things that are much harder to find in the US but are readily available from the UK. I am pretentious enough to order a book from another country if my country is too uptight or stupid (I can never tell which) to think it should carry a book I want.

Sometime ago I purchased a book titled Sperm Wars from Amazon UK. I'm sure I am one of the few people who felt a pressing need to own this, but it is really good stuff. The book is a pop culture friendly version of sociobiological research done by two British scientists, Robin Baker & Mark Bellis. Their research started with a simple question: Why is there a wet spot after sex? It then spun off to include all you never wanted to know about sperm, fertility, cheating on partners, rape, etc.
So what does this have to do with gift giving? Since Sperm Wars is the only book I have bought from Amazon UK it is the only thing they have to base my recommendations on. I know this because after every recommendation it says "Recommended because you purchased Sperm Wars"

Apparently my strange fascination with sperm competition also means I am into the following:
1) Half Empty, Half Full: How to Take Control and Live Life as an Optimist
Synopsis: How do you see the glass: half empty, or half full?; A bestselling psychiatrist explains how to achieve optimism; Proven processes to fool your brain into looking on the bright side; Ever wondered why some people always look on the bright side of life?
My response to Amazon: Anyone who knows me knows I see the glass as neither half empty or half full. As a matter of fact I dropped my glass on the floor sometime ago & am just trying not to step on the shards.

2) Cube: Keep the Secret
Synopsis: If you're interested in astrology and/or the Enneagram, you will love "The Cube." In a way your Cube is even more unique to you, and revealing of you, than your horoscope, because YOU create it; you dream it, awake.
MRTA: Umm, I don't even know what the Enneagram is.

3) Palm Reading: A Little Guide to Life's Secrets
Synopsis: How to read the signs of the palm and to interpret the cards of the Tarot
MRTA: You are right, clearly when not ruminating about the wet spot & things based on scientific research I like to bust out the ouija board.

4) Apple iPod nano Lanyard Headphones
MRTA: What about my purchase implies I have an ipod of any sort? Clearly my purchase points to me as a reader. So unless I'm missing something I don't actually need headphones to get through a book.

So just a warning to you internet shoppers out there: Much to my disbelief, Amazon does in fact NOT know all.

I'm Worried About The Tripod

2005-12-05T12:07:00.000-06:00

If you ever read Plural of Apocalypse or Ivory's Unfinished Thoughts then you will have heard of the Tripod. The tripod consists of the only two women that are important to me & of course myself. I've known these two since high school & we are basically united by the fact that we are obnoxious, opinionated & relatively ungirly. For example none of us has ever sent a man to sleep on the couch. If you are a woman who does this & feel you can explain the rationale behind it to me go for it.

Anyway, that being said I am a tad worried about my tripod. Here is why:
I am not nearly the pop culture geek my 2 compatriots are. However in an attempt to generate ideas for a plural of apocalypse template I went to try this activity the other legs of the tripod have indulged in. I made my way over to the Gaia Dream Avatar Creator. How one even finds this site is beyond me. Still, I am a good friend & determined to make a template for Blackeyedgirl. So I go forth with my chibi creation.
This is the most unbelievably fucking tedious thing I have ever done!
I have created spreadsheets on all 250 of my cd's, I have edited things in photoshop pixel by pixel...none of which are even remotely as neurotically tedious as chibi creation. My head was pounding by the time I got this fucking anime creature an outfit I liked.
Here is a snapshot of the outfits you get to pick from:
Yep, that blob of a pixels represents 20 of the tops you can put on your Chibi. There are something like a million of these available. Then you get to repeat the process for each part of your chibi's body. The shoes are even smaller.
After several outfit attempts I did manage to spew forth a chibi I was somewhat proud of: However, I am left with a deep concern that this is what the other legs of the tripod are doing when I'm not looking.

Note to self: Get both girls books for Christmas. Long, wordy, war & peace type books...Anything to keep them away from the computer.

The Slave Trade

2005-11-29T18:09:00.000-06:00

I have come to the conclusion that recruiters are the slave traders of the job market. They parade you around to companies saying things like 'Doesn't she look cute in her unemployment shackles?' & 'She is stronger than she looks'. Once one of those suckers sinks their teeth into your resume you become inconsequential. You are nothing but a commission. You are in fact property to be sold off to the highest bidder, or any bidder for that matter. They might as well stick you on a street corner with your resume stapled to your chest along with a strategically placed business card so the employer that finds you knows who to pay.

Much like my interviews my dealings with recruiters are just as disastrous, possibly worse....

1) The Nazi: The Nazi actually seemed like a good guy. I had gotten his name from someone I networked through. However, before I even got to call him he found my resume on Monster & called me. I met with him and he seemed to have some worthwhile interviews for me. Now he is my chronic stalker & completely uninterested in what I want. Do we all remember Schiavo Inc? I am not kidding you...He sent me back there! Let me recap our 2 conversations about this particular position:
Nazi: Amanda, I have an opportunity for you out at Schiavo Inc!
Me: I recently interviewed out there & they took a pass (Like I'm a lousy side dish at thanksgiving dinner)
Nazi: Oh. Well I am really in tight with the people out there. I think I can work around that. I mean having me on your side is better than going in alone.
Me: (Of course you think that you commission monger) I went in with a recruiter last time too. I just don't know. What is the position?
Nazi: Well, it is a help desk job!
Me: The last time I was out there was for a deskside job that paid really well. I don't think I want to be on a help desk. I'd be bored & can make more money doing deskside support.
Nazi: So you want me to go ahead & submit you?
Me: I really don't think it is worth it for me to go back out there.
Nazi: Ok, great! I will get an interview set up for next week!

After we hung up I clearly felt like I had been speaking another language. The language of NO! He was uninterested in my feelings on the matter. I wasn't too worried though. I mean who reinterviews someone they didn't like a month ago? Apparently Schiavo Inc....

Nazi: Amanda, good news I have an interview for you out at Schiavo Inc!
Me: Oh, umm, ok. Really?
Nazi: Well apparently the woman who interviews for this position was gone the last time you went in. She really liked your resume & wants to talk to you. Except she was concerned about you taking a help desk job.
Me: Well, I'm not thrilled about it. What is the pay? I mean it can't be as good as the last offer I got from them.
Nazi: I'm not sure.
Me: Well, if I was going to do help desk it would have to be good money.
Nazi: I can't pull up my ACT contact notes right now, but I swear I told you it was a help desk job.
Me: You did & I said it was less than desirable.
Nazi: Less desirable? But I told you all about the position & you seemed ok with that.What is your availability next week?
Me: (yep I was speaking a different language) Umm, can you find out how much the pay is?
Nazi: So anytime on Tuesday?
Me: Sure, just email me the details.

Yes, much to my chagrin I went back out to Schiavo Inc today. I am so pathetic. I blame the holidays for my desperation. Even though the Nazi is sure I'd be a great fit at Schiavo Inc I still don't like it out there. I get bored during the interviews. What does that tell you?
I just can't get over the stupidity of my conversations with this man.

2) The Moron: Ok, if this guy has ever placed a person it is a miracle. Another hit from Monster sends me to "We don't have a clue" recruiters. I go into an small room that is about a million degrees. The moron had 2 positions in mind for me. After I heard the minute by minute history of the recruiting company we got down to business. One position we ruled out quickly as it was phone support (maybe he should call the Nazi & explain that to him). The other position he couldn't explain to me at all because it had just come in. To remedy his confusion he drags in their sales guy. Sales guy appeared to have had speed for lunch. In the middle of his talking a mile a minute I feel a migraine coming on. I have had very few of these, but trust me you can always tell the difference between headache & migraine. I desperately wanted to be some place cool & dark. Anywhere but trapped in this hovel of a room that now had 3 people in it to increase the temp another 20 degrees. What does the sales guy decide is a brilliant plan? To have me phone interview with the company for the job they can't describe to me right that minute. I vetoed that plan because VPN was the last thing on my mind. I escaped from there & heard no word back on the position. Though I did get to spend the next 2 days with a migraine.

After that day I proceeded to have several more phone conversations with the moron that all went about the same:
Moron: I have great opportunity X for you.
Me: Sounds great, let me know when you have any information on an interview.
*Never hear back from moron*
We have repeated this ritual several times now. I am positive he has never gotten anyone a job ever & should consider a more french fry based career path.

3) The Perplexed: Nothing ever came of this particular encounter but it was my favorite conversation with a cold calling recruiter yet...
Perp: Hi, I'm so & so in Chicago and I have a position in the Milwaukee area.
Me: Ok
Perp: It is for a software developer & I'm not sure what kind of candidates I am going to find in Milwaukee. Have you ever done software development?
Me: No
Perp: I don't know what kind of candidates I'm going to get in Milwaukee. Have you ever done any software packaging?
Me: No
Perp: I don't know what kind of candidates I'm going to get in Milwaukee. Have you ever worked in an SAP environment?
Me: No
Perp: I don't know what kind of candidates I'm going to get in Milwaukee. So I am going to go ahead & submit your resume to my client.
Me: Ok, sounds good.

I was completely unqualified for the position & basically told her as much. However, apparently here in Milwaukee (a mere 75 miles from Chicago mind you) we are computer illiterate and as long as I can turn one on I'm suddenly qualified for anything. I still have a vision of this woman thinking of Wisconsin as the land of toothless, inbred, beer drinking, cow tipping, hicks with a strangely high pension for cheese & brats.
I guess she drew the short straw when she got stuck with that requisition.

4) Then there were short people...
I submitted my resume to a recruiter for a level 2/3 support position that seemed interesting. I got a very quick response & chatted briefly with the recruiter. She called me yesterday to setup an interview for today. Not a problem. The only other thing I had going on was the interview out at Schiavo Inc. I figure if I schedule all my interviews in one day I only have to dress up once. I was supposed to meet the recruiter at the client site about 10 minutes before the interview. I show up & meet with the recruiter. We chatted briefly & she assures me this won't be more than an hour. Then she proceeds to pass me off to the onsite recruiter. Mind you the recruiting company's location is across the street from the client. Why on earth they needed someone 'onsite' is beyond me. The onsite woman then dumps me in a room & says that the woman interviewing me will be down shortly. I stare at the one piece of art in the room for awhile. Then I check my phone only to see that the Nazi has called for an update on the Schiavo Inc interview. Then I started listening in on the conference call across the hall. Time always passes slowly when you are waiting, but this seemed to be getting a little long. Finally, the onsite recruiter comes back & says the interviewer was stuck on a conference call & would down in a minute.
Only on a fucking Tuesday does the following occur...
A MIDGET whips around the corner into the room. Umm, I recall being warned about a pregnant woman, so why not a midget?? It isn't that I have any short people issues that I know of, but come on that would throw anyone off guard. Then (if only I were making this up) she climbs into the chair across from me, grabs the adjustable lever on the chair and says:
"I don't like sitting up so high"
I was at a loss for words. Clearly my 3 foot height advantage precluded me from sympathizing with her chair issues. Then there were some really bad jokes that went through my head. Mostly, I just went all deer in headlights on her. Luckily, she didn't appear to require a response & moved on. All went well for the most part. I then in true 21st century fashion had to interview with another team member. He was deemed the technical one. That too went really well. However, when I emerged it was more than 2 hours since I had gotten there. Not even close to the one hour I was told. I then got to crawl home in rush hour traffic. Oh the joy of it all.

So as I continue on my quest to find a job I find myself wondering if I should learn some of those old slave songs. I think maybe it will make me look like an even better candidate at the next slave auction.

Maybe next tyme I will git meh one of those nice mas'ers Jus' like Orenthawl James.

I'm So Deviant...

2005-11-29T01:02:00.000-06:00

....I don't even have to put effort in to causing trouble anymore.

I've been lazy about reading the blogs I like lately. So to catch up I started at my Uncle's blog Solus Sententia. Unbeknownst to me I was the topic of his latest post. Apparently, my blog address is not considered work friendly. Who knew?

I guess this is just particularly funny to me because I'm his fucking niece. We cavort around family gatherings in our rightful place as the black sheep. It is really not nearly as scandalous as his HR department seems to think. I wonder if any of them ran home that night to see what kind of porn 'Kinky Poe' had going on. Ooh, maybe I got a unique visitor out of this.

I guess this is as good of time as any to explain my nickname. Normally I run around the 'net as Knina (pronounced K-nina) which is a handle I took years ago. It was my friend Khrysten's nickname in high school & when I first needed a screen name for every little thing it was handy. When I started my blog I wasn't really sure how it was going to end up, what exactly I'd write about etc. So, I opted for a more discreet nickname. It sounds a little covert & all, but I've found you can google screen names as easily as you can google a real name. So the deal is this:
Kinky: I am, it comes up on occasion, you've been warned.
Poe: I love Baltimore. Not necessarily because of Edgar Allen Poe or even John Waters. I just love it there & would move there in a second. I'm not sure why, it just has this quirky eccentricity I adore. So I went with Poe.

Granted I was laid up with a broken leg & chomping painkillers like candy when I decided I just had to have a blog, but there it is.

All I Want For Christmas

2005-11-28T00:56:00.000-06:00

It wasn't but a few short days ago I was singing the praises of cold air & steaming gingerbread lattes. However, as predicted my holiday cheer has a shorter shelf life than a Green Bay Packer player.
As usual this time of year people ask what you want for Christmas. It was while talking with Adrianna about her Christmas present I realized how old my list makes me. She was doing backflips over her parents paying for her car to get winterized as a Christmas present. My list is no more exciting.

1) A job: I'm not sure how you wrap one of these bad boys but I'm willing to forgo the bows on it.
2) A tooth filling: Because only when you are broke, without insurance & it is thanksgiving week when of course your dentist isn't working will you split a molar on a donut.
3) Pay off my doctor bill: Basically as soon as I got fired my insurance was cut off. The same day I got a call from the doctor's office about some chest xrays I apparently needed. Back in July they weren't sure, but I may have had pneumonia. They will withhold my good prescriptions if I don't jump through these hoops. So I rushed into to get the xrays taken before my insurance ran out. I was too late & my claim for $300 was rejected.
4) A 30K mile checkup on my car & new brakes: Much like the best friend I have a car that is as needy as any child I swear. Why on earth my 5 speed has worn out brakes at 30K miles I have no clue.
5) Ebay fraud repayment: I am neurotic about not getting ripped off on ebay. I follow all the rules and then some. However, sometimes it is just your turn to take it in the ass. I'm out $500 dollars (which was my safety net while unemployed) thanks to Ebay & Paypal.
6) License plate renewal: Yep I have been dodging the law since umm, June. However with December rapidly approaching I don't think I'll be able to drive around with that 2005 sticker on my plates much longer without at least one cop coming to get my ass.
7) A Crystal Ball: Something to tell me if my dad's side of the family is pissed at me about some inane thing before I show up for Christmas dinner. Something to tell me if there is a job remotely near my skill level in my future. Something to tell me if I'm destined to be a crazy cat lady.
8) Sex: I just think this one would make me feel better about all the other ones. I'm all about Mr. Robinson, but somehow I'm sure that is going to end up a disaster along the lines of the Juggler.

Torture Devices (or why I haven't posted)

2005-11-27T20:35:00.000-06:00

I have tons to write about I swear. Unfortunately I was house sitting the last few days. Granted there was a computer at said house. A high speed internet connection was also available. So why no blogging? Had the one of the dogs chewed off my arm? Possibly a run in with the neighbor who grills meat out of a large steel drum reminiscent of those Dahmer stored bodies in? Worse...

The problem lied with the supposedly ergonomic mouse & keyboard. Do not be fooled! These are in fact not computer accessories. They are actually torture devices put on this planet to drive me crazy. I had planned for the mouse fiasco & actually brought my Logitech MX1000 mouse with me. Pretentious of me? Most definitely, but my sanity got to remain in tact. The keyboard on the other hand I had forgotten about. I don't care how fucking natural it is suppose to make typing. I'd much rather get carpal tunnel but retain my ability to type more than 5 words an hour. I prefer my soft touch, low profile, not ergonomic keyboard any day.

So there is my excuse. Lots of thrilling posts coming soon. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

Random Humor

2005-11-20T12:55:00.000-06:00

You know the TV you come across late at night when you are half asleep? It's always the weirdest shit. This one in particular made me do a double take.

Tis The Season Or Some Shit

2005-11-18T11:39:00.000-06:00

As you might have guessed I am fairly anti-holiday. The stress, confronting family dysfunction over food, etc. It isn't really my cup of tea. I'd much rather hole up in my house safe from the weather, the neurosis & general calamity of the holiday season.
However, I am not completely cold hearted about it. Yesterday I had one of my warm fuzzy winter moments. There will at most be three of these so I have to relish them when they happen.
I went to the Barnes & Noble to pickup a birthday present for my mom. The weather in Wisconsin has just made that discernible shift from fall to winter. I can see my breath, the air is dry as a bone & all my cravings involve hearty meals and warm drinks. Like any good B&N patron I came in from the cold and made a beeline for the Starbucks counter. If there is one thing Starbucks does right it is the Gingerbread Latte. You can only get them this time of year, but it is so worth it. If you have never tried one run, don't walk to your local Starbucks & have one. It is literally like drinking holiday cheer. I roamed the bookstore steaming venti gingerbread latte in hand and for a brief moment didn't think about the usual 'What am I going to get so & so?' and 'How much wine will I have to consume to deal with the Catholic side of the family?'. Instead I just wander around soaking up the books & cheesy music. For almost two hours it felt like everything was going to be okay. I will find a way to give presents even though I'm broke. I will be happy to see the Catholics & eat the mysteriously yummy veggie casserole. All gifts will be wrapped to my exacting OCD standards.
Notably, I will probably have 15 posts that curse the holidays to their very core & damn all things Christmas straight to hell. I suck at the holidays. My stress level goes through the roof, I loathe everyone...the whole nine yards. But for now I'm going to indulge my few minutes of hope that everything will be great.

Trust Me On The Sunscreen

2005-11-15T00:02:00.000-06:00

It's entirely possible I'm losing my mind. I wholly blame my current Rhapsody playlist. It involves some strange combination of Prince, Alanis Morisette, Bob Dylan, Dire Straits, Simon & Garfunkel and Baz Luhrmann.
Since my more cognitive functions are on the outs right now I thought I'd offer up something actually well written. If you don't remember this it is a spoken word piece from a few years ago. Also, the best thing to listen to when you don't know what else to do with yourself.

Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99...
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Mr. Robinson

2005-11-12T23:42:00.000-06:00

I'm going to take a break from the woes of unemployment & go back to another disasterous portion of my existence: My love life.

As usual I was trolling over at Collar Me when I got a chat invite from random guy X. He has tried to talk to me a few times before. I blew him off for one key reason: He lives in New York. I have a complex about New Yorkers. They are always suspiciously drawn to me. I don't mean a little bit. I mean in a way that has me convinced if I were to walk down the streets of NY a mass of men would be hurling themselves at me. This may sound a tad arrogant, but I assure you it has nothing to do with my looks. Outside of thrid world countries men are not likely to lineup for my attentions. That being said I think New Yorkers have a sixth sense about my bitterness. It seems to be the only place where my sarcastic & pessimistic nature is truely appreciated. Go figure.

Back to random guy X...I turn down his chat request only to get an email. This is not wholly uncommon. Submissive men tend to be a lot like stalkers in their level of determination. He simply asked 'Why not?'. I explained my New York phobia & also politely pointed out he is 4o (making him approximately 14 years my senior). This was not even remotely effective in diswaying him. In an attempt to dodge my NY issues he announced that he had actually just moved back there from silicon valley. I have a severe weakness for northern California. It is the only place you can hit a winery and a leather shop in the same afternoon.
And so begins the story of Mr. Robinson...
We began chatting about a month ago. I talk to lots of people online & don't think much of it. It's like cheap entertainment. However, much to my chagrin this one managed to hold my interest.

Here is what I know so far: He is attractive, a Jewish Atheist, a hot shot salesman who is well off & a Princeton graduate. He majored in physics, used to play competitive chess, never married, one daughter who just started college, loves to travel & he can cook (A major turn on for those of us who grew up mastering the fine art of microwaving). Oh yeah and kinky. There are a bunch of other things, but those are the basics.

Our first phone conversation was 5 hours long. He was in Hong Kong at the end of October & bought me a present. He wanted to fly me out to New York. I passed for now. I prefer disaster happen on my own turf. He is seriously too good to be true, but I have yet to find 'the catch' so to speak. As my best friend pointed out I've gotten mooney over him.
The problem is I don't want to be mooney over him. I want to hate him & leave him in New York. This is not what is happening. Quite the contrary actually. We have a lot in common, he smart, doesn't take my shit (this is key when dealing with me) when I get frustrated & basically doesn't have the bullshit my usual choices come with.
Where is the bad here you ask?
I feel like a sellout.
It's so cliche. The rich older guy with the younger woman. Granted his last 3 girlfriends have been under 30 so he must be doing something right. Not to mention my best friend has always had me pegged to marry older & wealthy.
I feel like a victim of sociobiology. He wants a younger attractive female & I aspire to want whichever male will best take care of me. This is so not my nature. I like being an independent woman who can take care of herself without a man. I adore them. I want to get married. I just don't want to forsake myself in the process.

At least this one doesn't juggle...as far as I know.

So, here's to you Mr. Robinson, coo coo ca-choo.

Obvious Much?

2005-11-11T12:52:00.000-06:00

I just can't get over today's headline on the US page at CNN:

Did we really need to point this out? The war itself was almost 100 years ago now. Shit like this just makes me want to bang my head against the wall...and then go to the BBC for news.

The Upside of Thursday

2005-11-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

So I have given you the weekly job update...Now for two things that actually brightened my day. Most people hate the dreaded "FW:***" emails. Why? Because you have either already seen it, it is lame or usually both. However, yesterday was a banner day in actually interesting forwards.

First one is courtesy of Dave & made me laugh, so I had to share. Sadly, I think I could ace questions 4-6 the best.
The Ten Worst Interview Questions:
10) Imagine you are a frog. Which beer do you prefer and why?
9) The person conducting the interview gets up during the meeting, turns around, points his/her rear end in your direction and asks: "Does my ass look big in this?"
8) "Describe in detail the last time you 'squealed like a pig' in a wood or forest down south."
7) "Order the following with your favorite first, least favorite last, giving reasons for your choices:

9/11
World War Two
Mount St Helena erupting
Hurricane Katrina
Pakistan Earthquake 2005
Valentines Day Massacre
San Francisco Earthquake 1918

6) For a position as a Vice President: What positives did you take away with you from the motion picture American Psycho?
5) "Tell me what you admire most about each of the following: The Yorkshire Ripper, Hannibal Lector and Freddie Kruger?"
4) "Imagine we are in a bar. Convince me that I want to go home and have sex with you."
3) (For multiple interviewer situations). "Imagine the three of us are on a plane which crashes, we are the only survivors. We have no food and one of us must be killed and eaten. Which one of us is to be dinner, and why?"
2) "When was the last time someone called you an asshole? Did you deserve it?"
1) "An hysterical, foaming at the mouth, man with a chain saw is going to come charging into the room in a minute. This is a test to show how you handle stress. I am allowed to tell you that the person is in fact a vice president of the company. He will scream at you, he may punch, slap and scratch you. How you respond to this provocation will determine if we hire you or not. Could you please sign this disclaimer which you don't need to read right now but basically says you agree to any kind of torture we can think of... . Good luck now..."

The next bit of good cheer came from my best friend. This is so her & I it is pathetic...
True Friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you’ve finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath…I pledge it till the end.
Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend.

Thursday: The Russian Roulette of All Weekdays

2005-11-11T10:52:00.000-06:00

Apparently Thursday is anything can happen day, especially for the unemployed. For the second straight Thursday I have had chaos break loose on my ass.

I had an interview scheduled for 1130am. By no means the job of my dreams, more like something do to for a couple weeks while I'm looking around.
Being me I had failed to set my alarm clock back an hour for daylight savings. Why bother? I mean the digital cable box resets itself, my computer resets itself, so why not my alarm clock? Probably because the thing is older than I am & is not nearly as self sufficient as the rest of my household technology. Ironically, this works to my advantage because I had just woken up an hour earlier than I wanted to when my phone rang. It was another recruiter who wanted me to come in & interview as well. After that phone call my day just kind of snowballed...

815am: Set up a 2pm interview
1130am: Go to the interview for the crappy contract with crappy pay...and of course I nail it.
200pm: Go to second interview.
230pm: I was having a perfectly nice interview with one guy when the sales person jumps in as well. The sales guy talks about 9000 miles a minute & wants me to phone interview right that second for a job they can hardly describe to me. I passed on that option instead offering to do an in person interview some time today.
245pm: Desperately trying to leave interview due to impending migraine
315pm: Get out of interview & check voicemail...Another recruiter has called. One I haven't talked to in months.
320pm: Not even home from the second interview when the first guy calls me back to setup a client interview for Monday.
330pm: Arrive home to pile of emails from both interviews.
330pm & beyond: I was right about the migraine, spent the whole night in misery...The undocumented dangers of job hunting.

I felt like such a ping pong ball yesterday. So far as I can tell I am a great candidate, it's just no one knows what for. I don't even know if that is good or bad at this point.

I don't think it's big enough

2005-11-09T19:10:00.000-06:00

The title of this picture is Light of the world.
I stumbled across this picture on a different blog. The person was going on & on about how it filled them with all these warm fuzzy religious feelings.
I beg to differ.
If god is the light of the world shouldn't he have something a tad larger than a lantern? Couldn't we at least get his ass a maglite or something?

Ironic Interview Thursday

2005-11-03T16:30:00.000-06:00

I have two stories to share today as my quest for the elusive job continues...

1) Why Bother Inc: I found out my friend's husband will most likely be unemployed as of January 1st. The contract he works on is being taken over by another company who basically wants nothing to do with the current employees. They want their own people in place. Now mind you the person in question works more hours than I actually think is humanly possible in a year. Now the ironic part...
With one days notice he was told he would have to re-interview for his job, but the interview is really a formality and he should just kiss his ass goodbye. Um, formality or not what the fuck kind of logic is that??

Now for my entertaining interview of the week...
2) Casual Corp vs Amanda: Being a dutiful little networker I got this interview via an old coworker of sorts who ran into my mom. My mom is sort of become like my pimp. She basically hands my resume out like $5 blow jobs.
Anyway I setup an interview for, I'm not kidding, a job with no name. Basically I got an email that said I got your resume from the vice president who got it from so & so, when can you come in for an interview?" It seemed stupid to ask what the job was. I mean since no one bothered to mention specifics I figured it must be so obvious the company doesn't feel the need to elaborate on their positions. However, most jobs do come with descriptions attached. For all I knew I could have been interviewing for executive ass wiper.
So today I head down to the 3rd ward. The 3rd ward is an area of downtown Milwaukee that is best described as funky, in the good way. It's not too pretentious, not too hip, but still urban and modern. With that being said I was still not quite prepared for what I walked into.
In true Amanda fashion there had to be a least 3 minor tragedies in the 10 minutes before my interview so as to make it impossible for me to quell my nerves. I get a parking spot that isn't a million miles away. So far, so good. I have a few minutes so I do one last mirror check. Out of nowhere a pimple has emerged in the middle of my neck. At any other time this would not have been a tragedy, but 5 minutes before an interview for an undetermined job this will cause me to panic. I was convinced it was a sign. Though not overly noticeable, at the time it looked like a goiter or possibly a 5 lb tumor had just erupted on my neck. In a panic I decide I'm going to pop it so the interviewer doesn't think I have some sort of acne problem that would lead him to think I won't be a good employee. I failed to take into account how sensitive female neck skin really is. In my pathetic attempt to make the zit less apparent I manage to break open about a dozen blood vessels and the thing starts bleeding. On the upside it no longer appears I have a neck pimple. Unfortunately I now appear to have a gaping neck wound.
Great.
Now instead of looking like a potential employee with one lone pimple I look like a potential employee who was recently involved in a scuffle with a vampire. I manage to stop the bleeding as best as I can and then make a pathetic attempt to cover it with my hair. Except there really is no hairstyle I know of that involves a hairy neck.
The injury:
I give up on trying to be even remotely suave about my self inflicted injury & prepare to exit my car. I proceeded to inadvertently hit the panic button on my keychain. With a 3 block radius now looking in my direction to see if I am a rape victim, a car thief or just an idiot I fumble to turn off the alarm.
Next I attempt to put a quarter into the parking meter which, of course, leads to me dumping my change on the ground & having to round it all up.
Finally I get my shit together & head into the building. It's a very old style Milwaukee building, not corporate looking at all. I make my way to the back where I have to climb up a million flights of rickety old wood stairs to the second floor. The only signs guiding me to the second floor refer to a yoga studio. I arrive on the second floor to the smell of incense burning in the yoga studio and finally see a postcard size sign next to a door that is the office I'm actually looking for. I walk into what can best be described as a bachelor pad/loft. There is a desk, a leather couch, dim lighting, a lone visitor chair that looks like it was straight out of the Goodwill. The best part is the visitor chair is sitting directly in front of a pool table. On the wall behind the pool table is a nerf basketball hoop. What the fuck twilight zone episode had I walked into?
There is no secretary. If there had been one I'm sure she'd have been playing pool. There is just a guy in jeans who announces my name when I enter. Then his cell phone goes off. He proceeds to answer. The only part of the conversation I catch is the end: "She is here now"
Great.
I am infamous and I haven't even said two words yet.
Believe it or not I think it went well. Thirty minutes of the usual BS and I was out the door. It actually seems like they might have some project/consulting work for me in the near future, but as usual I won't be holding my breath.

Stay tuned for more misadventures in my unemployment saga.

It's Not Hell, But You Can See It From Here

2005-10-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

Basically I think if you give people about five minutes they will give you a good reason not to like them outside of their gender, race or sexual proclivities. However, under certain circumstances my feminist buttons do get pushed. This is not one of those instances.

I like to think I'm the good kind of feminist. I shave my armpits. I love men. My feminist 'I am woman hear me roar' tendencies only kick in if someone feels I can't do something because of gender. Now, these people who decided the term "Freshman" was misogynistic need to be shot.

It never would have even occurred to me to be offended by the term freshman in high school. Not only that I certainly would have taken it over it's replacement "Ninth grader". Isn't that part of the high school deal? You get a title. Something far more resonating than X-grader.

My next problem is the Amherst folks seem to have no problem with the term "Sophomore". In case you aren't up on your Latin the word sophomore breaks down to mean wise fool.
Sophos = Wise
Omoros = Foolish
So let me get this straight...I am suppose to be offended by freshman because it lacks the gender neutrality that gets the feminists all hot & bothered. However, I am not suppose to be offended by being called a wise fool. Clearly way back when they were deciding what to call students who had attained a certain level of education (clearly one of the more important historical decisions ever) they understood that pretty much any high schooler regardless of gender was not the brightest bulb on the block. Though any freshman or sophomore will tell you they know it all. I certainly did at that age.
My question for these people is simple:
How is being called a sophomore any less offensive than being called a freshman?

Another Buffy quote comes to mind...
"Tact is just not saying true stuff, I'll pass"

I fucking hate political correctness.

Ways You Know You Are Unemployed

2005-10-30T12:37:00.000-06:00

1) You consider dressing up putting a bra on to go to the gas station
2) You fear leaving the house because it will cost money
3) You develop inane projects like obsessively blogging to keep yourself entertained
4) You develop insomnia due to inactivity
5) You masturbate during daylight hours
6) You don't eat, it's too expensive & not really worth the effort
7) You smoke twice as much as normal, not only does it serve as entertainment but compensates for the lack of food in the kitchen
8) You have deep conversations with your pets
9) You memorize daytime TV schedules
10) You take showers on an as needed basis. Need is defined by people asking 'Do you smell something?' or alternately you take one every 3 hours for 'fun'
11) You think too much....about everything

Where is my montage scene?

2005-10-28T12:32:00.000-05:00

"I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe." - Buffy, the vampire slayer

From what I can tell women love their thirties. Therefore I have decided I want a montage scene from now until I'm 30. I thought I was doing everything the 'right' way to be wildly successful & happy in my twenties. However, something has goine horribly awry with the plan and I'm not exactly sure where, but have to hope it gets better than this.

20 - I was back in school after having taken a year off. I gave up my lifelong dream of being a horse trainer in order to be a responsible grownup. All this really got me was a crappy job in between classes and a massive drug habit.

21 - Decided to get off drugs, went to Egypt & outside that led a mundane existence that revolved around playing board games with my best friend in an attempt for us to stay clean.

23 - Had finished my political science degree, was unemployed for 9 months only to land a awesome job I loved & met the person who will probably go down as the love of my life.

24 - Love of my life breaks my heart, but I get the career opportunity of my dreams.

25 - Spent 9 months traveling around the US & Canada busting my ass to make the most out of my aforementioned career opportunity. Ran an amazingly successful PC deployment for GE Healthcare only to have my own company get bought out & then fire me for being sarcastic & unapproachable.

Since then I had my 26th birthday and got a tattoo to commerate my birthday/firing. The 2 things occurred within days of each other. My best friend isn't doing much better though followed a very similar path. She has a lousy paying state job in buttfuck nowhere Wisconsin. I have no job. We are both perpertually single & often overdrawn on our checking accounts. She has an apartment she can barely afford to heat & I still live at home. So here we are intelligent, educated, attractive young women who are rapidly approaching 30. There is no marital bliss, no careers to speak of and certainly not the glorious future we shooting for when we decided being junkies wasn't a good plan.

I have another friend who I adore that went the complete opposite route. She is also intelligent and attractive. However, she finished high school through the mail, has never worked outside of her home. She ended up with the husband that makes a six figure salary, a house, dogs, cats....the whole nine yards.

I just don't get it sometimes. I often aspire to throw in the towel, marry the first older rich guy who enjoys my affections & say to hell with playing by the rules. The rules haven't gotten me anything so far. However, when I read this it gave me some hope that should my montage come, it will get better from here on out....

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.
Andy Rooney

If You Want Clean Fun...Go Fly A Kite

2005-10-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a friend I have found the most satisfyingly dirty indie rock band: Louis XIV. Their songs are catchy & foul. What more could you want? Legendary artist they are not, but still better than American Idol.

Before I get to the lyrics I do have to point out that the leader singer Jason Hill looks eerily like Ozzy Osborne...or is it just me?

Note: These lyrics are not for the 'making love' crowd. You know who you are. There are mommy blogs for that crap.

Paper Doll
We don't need to take off our clothes to get it on
Pull your skirt up a little bit
Pull down your top and show me a little tit
I said hey short girl you're like a midget
You can turn a phone cord into a widget
She said you son of a bitch you little bitch
I ain't gonna show you my love without a hitch
I said hey hold up sugar just one at a time
Show me yours baby I'll show you mine
She said oh you're so pathetic
yeah well so...you're so magnetic
I said hold up girl I know your game
Ah you want a sugar daddy you can tame
***
And bang me like the girls in Hong Kong
I know I know I ain't correct
But politics are so much better when there's sex

Pledge of Allegiance
Ah little Stacy Q
When she doesn't have a thing to do
She comes to my house
Well, let's keep that between me and you
She takes off her clothes
She likes to tell this boy what to do
Let's keep that between me and you, ok
***
She says you're such a little bitch
She says head case head case
Turn that thing around
Let's play a game when you hear me make a sound
Just go quite a bit faster
Pretend that I'm gagged and bound
Oh how I love to hear that sound
Milkshake milkshake I love to feel you sweat

Illegal Tender
You're taking off your stripes
Even your knees are nice
I'll tease you with a knife until you're screaming for your life
I think so too
And you surrender
Can I spend you up? you're my illegally illegal tender
***
I looked into your eyes
And pushed your buttons and levers
You said you'd see until we agree and kindly said whatever
And you like my loving better

Not brilliant, just fun. If you want to check out the album for free go to Id1g1t.

Amanda needs...

2005-10-26T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not big on posting memes, but I am usually a sucker for trying things the interenet tells me to. I also believe everything I see on TV.

Anyway, the jist of this meme is to go to Google and put in "First name needs" then see what comes up. I found my first page of hits rather entertaining. So, I continued on & thought I'd share the ones I found amusing.

Amanda needs gnutar?
Amanda needs to be loved.
Amanda needs to be rebuilt.
Amanda needs a small config change.
Amanda needs an absolutely huge filter.
Amanda needs operator disk ownership.
Amanda needs to get help busting skulls, not new friends.
Amanda needs a wise friend to tell her that this too shall pass.
Amanda needs to read Barbara Bush's speech to Wellesley graduates given in 1990.
Amanda needs to be a kind of monster, albeit a sacred one, not just a flighty, chattering eccentric.
Amanda needs a serious love interest or must get involved in a serious journalistic
story.

As far as I can tell I am broken & scary. Not really the shock it should be.

Got Job?

2005-10-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

It finally happened. My first blogger's block experience.
However, no worries I am not dead. Though I might as well be considering my week. I have been bouncing around interviewing at various places in hopes one of them will grant me the privilege of being one of the underpaid masses again & save me from my unemployment.
For those who aren't big into reading long, yet interesting posts I will start with the pictorial version of my week:
I actually don't mind unemployment most of the time. I also don't mind going to a job most of the time either. However, the part in between jobs where you constantly have to whore yourself out drives me insane.
I happen to be in IT so changing jobs is somewhat the norm. Plus I'm all of 26 and have by no means found my place in the world yet. That does not mean I in anyway enjoy this process. I can't imagine anyone does. If you do please seek psychological help immediately.

The process is the horribly impersonal email & pray system. Fuck, I'm still an Atheist. So email only for me. There is also the neurotic posting of a resume which has to be done. Though I have had the most success at Monster I still feel like a piece bullshit on the internet competing with everyone else's piece of bullshit. Through this tedious process I have managed to get a handful of in person interviews. The three I have had in the last 7 days have nearly put me in the looney bin. Let's recap shall we?

Interview #1: Schiavo Inc
The position was a generic deskside support position. The chance to interview came through the dreaded recruiter grapevine. After agreeing to an interview I was told to go to the recruiter's office where a pregnant woman was going to drive me to the interview at the company. I'm not kidding they warned me she was pregnant. As if I wasn't going to notice? or In case maybe I had a deep seated fear of being near those with child? As if it wasn't strange enough to chauffeured in the first place I was in fact chauffeured by a pregnant woman in a very dilapidated Mercury to said interview.
I had been told the company was laid back. In fact the job was only 32 hours a week, but the pay was so much better it wouldn't have effected my life (aside from more free time). Laid back was probably the understatement of the year. I think comatose would have been a good description of the place. The company might as well have advertised itself as Schiavo Inc. I was extremely overqualified. Overqualified to the point where I think halfway through the interview I was already bored. It's hard to get bored in a room with for people in under an hour, but I did. The manager was in love with me, but his 2 cohorts were not. There was a crappy excuse to why they didn't like me, though I honestly believe they were looking for a more obedient bitch boy type employee to do whatever they didn't want to do. Not really my style.
Speaking of groups, the trend of panel interviewing is obnoxious. I can't get the 3 people in my house to agree on who left the butter out. How can you expect 3 or more people to all like the same person for a single job. Good fucking luck with that. Which leads us to...

Interview #2: Crucifixion Corp
The recruiter mentioned earlier made sure to call and tell me that Schiavo Inc was not interested in me right BEFORE my Monday interview. With my self esteem somewhere around the fourth ring of hell I have to head to an interview for a job I actually wanted. Crucifixion Corp was much more my speed. A newer company chock full of driven people. The position was more of an IT analyst role. A job where I could utilize my project management & IT skills together.
A week prior to my in person interview I had the irritating phone interview. Are they trying to make sure I don't slip into old habits from my time as a phone sex operator or what? I think phone interviews are pointless. How uncomfortable can I be chilling at home smoking a cigarette (discretely of course) & shooing the cat off my keyboard? On the upside I apparently aced my phone interview. The IT manager had recently taken the position, but ironically came from the same company I did. So we phone bonded & I was in the door.
My in person interview consisted of meeting with 5 people, filling out an application & was just shy of three hours long.
Duo #1 Tubby & Anal:These 2 guys think I'm an idiot. Tubby wrote me off as soon as he realized I had breasts. In case you don't know being of the fair sex implies that I can't fix a computer. Anal drilled me on things that were so far out of the scope of the job I wanted to kick him in the balls & run. The position is designed for someone with a broad base of IT knowledge. Except I was getting drilled like I was an IT genius who has never had sex because I have been reading programming & network manuals since birth. If anyone who reads this post can identify the 7 layers of the OSI model off the top of their head let me know. There may be a million bucks in it for you.
Duo #2 Manager & Pressure Cooker:The manger pretty much took a strong silent approach during this portion. However Pressure Cooker was as prepared as Anal to drill me on obscure technical knowledge. On the upside he asked open ended questions like 'How do you feel about subnetting?". I know what it is, but it's not exactly something you can expound on. PC also seemed far more like a salesman than a network guy. Though his preppie geek attire made it hard to discern which he was.
The Finale, HR:I actually got along smashingly with the HR woman. Most likely because it was not possible she would have a question I couldn't answer. She walks into the conference room and announces she has some behavioral questions for me. With the way the interview had been going I honestly expected her to start asking me things like 'If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?' or possibly hurling pictures of inkblots at me. I even had an answer ready for the fruit question. Alas, it was not nearly that bad just generic crap.
Needless to say I have never wanted out of any place so bad in my life. The HR woman said something about a second round of interviews. I'm not expecting an invite.
Thanks for the dose of humility I will be on my way to the next ring of hell now...

Interview #3: Alright Inc
By Thursday I had pretty much recovered from Monday's fiasco and was ready to dive back into the search. I got a handful of emails & a phone call. The most promising was the phone call. Yet another IT analyst position at a growing company. It is a newly created position some IT support, some project management. The way it was described it sounded perfect for me. Of course I said that about Crucifixion Corp too. I sucked it up and dragged myself to the first single person interview I've had this week. This actually didn't go horribly. Though I was somewhat convinced the IT manager was on quaaludes. However, he seemed to have a similar personality to mine.
The best part was the how did you get fired portion though (& for once I'm not being sarcastic). I explained how my company was purchased by a holding corp & mushed in with another one of their recent acquisitions, I went from hero to zero overnight & was written up frivolously for being unapproachable (even though management never could give me an example), etc....He went through a nearly identical situation at his previous job! Had the guy not been a foot shorter than me in heels I probably would have hugged him.
I feel it went well, but alas I got the dreaded second round of interviews speech again. Why can't decision makers make decisions about employees in one round? I don't get more or less charming if you let me age for 2 weeks. I am not vintage wine, but I play it on TV.

So that is what I have been up to this week. Well, and spending a lot of time under my covers hoping I will never have to come out into the light of day again. Sympathetic comments only please. I can't take any more rejection right now.

I'm In Love....

2005-10-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

No worries, I'm not dumb enough to fall for one of those boy creatures. However, I am a geek & in true geek fashion I have fallen for a laptop. Meet my love *swoons*:This is the new IBM, shit, Lenovo Thinkpad Z60m. Somewhat behind the competitors it is the first 15.4" widescreen Thinkpad to come out. Patience is a virtue though. Less bulky then similar Dells, it is sleek, comes standard with a SATA hard drive, has an optional titanium cover and a base price of a mere $799. There is the even lighter version, the Z60t which is a little more and only has a 14" screen.
My family has been diehard IBM since the days of the PC Jr, that was in the mid-eighties for you youngens. I will admit I made my fair share of Chinkpad jokes when the China based Lenovo purchased the PC hardware division of IBM. It looks like I may have jumped the gun a little. This first new laptop series to come out since the buyout was completed back in May is beyond impressive, well priced and appears to be retaining the high standards IBM hardware has always been known for.

More interesting posts will return after these commercial messages...

Favre-tastic

2005-10-10T10:55:00.000-05:00

(Side note: This is my 50th post! I'm so excited I have come up with 50 things to say!!)

As a born & bred Wisconsinite my DNA has been gentically modified to ensure that I am a die hard Green Bay Packer fan. Wisconsin is the kind of place that has cancelled church service because the preacher had playoff tickets. I'm not a stupid girl fan either.
I know my players.
I know the game.
I watch NFL primetime.
I get bitter about our lousy turnover ratio.
I can tell you what a penalty is going to be & if it was a cheap call (I use to work with a head NFL ref). The women folk I know are far more excitable than most men. We scream, yell, do shots for touchdowns (though it's only tequila rose) & always can pick the Super Bowl winner (an intuition thing). Packer games begin with the ritualesque playing of Rocking Randall who dances away while singing the Monday Night Football theme. Meet Randall:

Anyway, the inspiration for my little football diatribe is Green Bay FINALLY got a win. No crappy skin of our teeth win either. We are talking 52 unanswered points win. So congrats to my football team on breaking through in fine fashion. I hope we can keep it up.

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY TO BRETT FAVRE

Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me

2005-10-07T22:51:00.000-05:00

(or Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather Part 2)

I love the original CSI and would do William Peterson in a heartbeat. Recently I noticed there are a ridiculous number of episodes dedicated to offbeat sexual practices. Out of the three episodes that have aired this season alone two have involved strange sexual fetishes. I use to enjoy these episodes quite a bit. I still do but now there is a catch. Since the Collar Me ordeal I can no longer watch CSI with my mother.

Why not? Well, every time anything remotely sexual comes up I get my mom's version of a public service announcement on the dangers of kinky sex.

Take last week's episode, Room Service. It involves a man who accidentally dies practicing autoerotic asphyxiation (self strangulation). I made the mistake of coming downstairs right at the end when the cause of death is being revealed. I hear something about autoerotic asphyxia and hurry into the kitchen.

Mom: (yells out) Did you hear that?
Me: (playing dumb, petting cat) No. What?
Mom: On CSI the guy died choking himself, you know that asphyxia stuff.
Me: Oh....umm, that's not good.
Mom: You know those collar people are into those things. You need to be careful.

Thanks for the tip mom? I should have just explained I am not really into the whole choking thing because of an A&E documentary I saw on Herb Baumeister. Baumeister was an Indiana based serial killer who seduced men & then strangled them. It was all related to his asphyxia fetish. Ever since then I've been leery of the idea. Of course then she would have accused me of giving too much information.

The bigger problem here is thanks to syndication CSI has become the Law & Order of the new millennia. This means one can find an episode of CSI on at almost any hour day or night.
Some episodes I'd rather not bond with mom over:
Slaves of Las Vegas & Lady Heather's Box: Both revolve around a dominatrix named Lady Heather
King Baby: Adult babies anyone?
Snuff: 'nuff said
Fur & Loathing: The lovable furry & plushy crowd is explored

Not to mention the episodes involving midgets, the Association of Plus-Sized People, mother-son incest and all the other oddities the writers over at CSI love to revel in.

True to form this week's episode was all about a husband with a biting fetish...I stayed safely in my room for the duration of the episode.

Divine Intervention

2005-10-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

Don't panic, I'm not converting or anything radical like that. I was reading Bonanza Jellybean's latest post & reminded me of something I thought I'd share. If you have a lot of free time like my unemployed self you may find yourself searching google for phrases such as "Butt plug" simply because the idea was suggested by a fellow blogger.
The best part of doing this is viewing the second hit: Divine Interventions

Should you ever find yourself in dire need of a handcrafted, silicone, baby jesus butt plug...this is the place for you! Order early for Christmas delivery!

BBW!

2005-10-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

No, I am not referring to 'Big beautiful women'. The title refers to one of my favorite times of the year: Banned Book Week. Today is the last day of BBW and I thought I sneak in a post on it.

I love banned books for so many reasons. They are usually offensive to the religious right, they propagate things like sex, swearing, homosexuality, masturbation & all the other "evils" of the world. Most importantly though they are usually REALLY GOOD BOOKS!

In case you don't know anything about BBW, let me fill you in:
- Poor Judy Blume gets slammed every year. I grew up reading her books & though some beg to differ, I am not damaged in any way because of it.
- RL Stine's Goosebumps Series & Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories Series are both often challenged. Aren't spooky stories one of the best parts of childhood reading?
- A Wrinkle In Time (One of my childhood faves) has been challenged for promoting 'New Age-ism'... Anyone who can tell me exactly what that is & why it's dangerous, I'm all ears.
- Go Ask Alice & The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn finally didn't make the top ten most challenged books list in 2004

I could go on & on, but the point is no book should be banned or 'challenged' (the hip new PC term for banned so far as I can tell). Most often these issues come up with books that are used in schools or are available to children in some way. The most important thing my mom did for me growing up was stick a book in my face as soon as my little eyes could read the words. Reading is crucial at that age. It teaches you words, spelling, and grammar. It stimulates your mind. It enlarges your world beyond what you thought it could be. It's when the mind is the most untainted & absorbent it will ever be during your lifetime. Why adults would want to take even one piece of that freedom away from children is beyond me.
I am sick of meeting people my own age who say things like 'I don't read' or 'Do magazines count?'. Are those the kind of people we want in our society? Isn't stupidity rampant enough? How many people say they can't spell? Do you know what makes someone a good speller? It isn't fucking spell check! It's actually seeing the words on paper over & over again. I have actually been called arrogant for having a large vocabulary. How ridiculous is that? I have a large vocabulary from reading books & I'm glad I do (I can rant more effectively). Maybe if children were encouraged to read more, regardless of what book it is, we wouldn't have so many inept adults roaming the planet.

The television won't teach a child one millionth of what a book can. Hell, reading is probably one of the only reasons why I can articulate my thoughts in this blog.

KP climbs down off soapbox...For now.

Bite Me

2005-10-01T13:52:00.000-05:00

Even though the juggling date was overall a disaster at least I am getting two posts out of it...
I have made an important observation:
Men are the only ones who worry about "visible marks".

I am referring to the kind you may acquire while making out and/or having sex. I am somewhat found of biting or digging into a back with my above average nails. Sometimes one falls out of a bed or bumps into an ill placed piece of furniture. On occasion these activities will leave a lasting impression on the body. Notably I have never said to a guy 'Please be careful of visible marks because of X'. I checked with my few girlfriends & they agree that they do not say this either. As a matter of fact we are usually proud of any injuries received during a sexual encounter. It is a badge of honor. Yet all of us have heard this comment from a boy.

I just wanted to share some of the ridiculous reasons I have been given by guys as to why I was not allowed to leave any telltale evidence of my presence:
"Please don't leave any marks because..."

I am trying to seduce another girl
I have church photos tomorrow
I don't want to look like a rapist
I am in a children's play

Men can be such wimps sometimes. Can't they just be happy that I'm willing to bite them in the first place?

....And Then He Juggled

2005-09-29T19:13:00.000-05:00

Singledom is just a nightmare sometimes.

I have never tried the whole nice guy thing. There is some comfort in knowing a guy I like is an asshole. It has a warped sort of honesty to it. I am inherently distrustful of men who are not assholes. I have long held the belief that nice guys are really just assholes waiting to happen. Flowers, candy, dinner...It's all just a cheap ploy that only works on dumb girls. Now that I have tried the nice guy thing I know I am right.

I recently met one of these "nice guy" creatures. We had coffee the other day & it went really well. He didn't suck. Later we were talking and he asked me over to his place on Wednesday to hang out. We got thai food, talked & watched some TV. All seemed to be going well. As the evening progressed we started making out and what not. Eventually, we relocated to the bedroom (Yes, it is about as difficult to get me into a bedroom as it is to get a round peg into a round hole). I continue making sure said boy is ok with where everything is going. He assures me he is fine. Not that I really needed reassurance considering the blissfully happy look on his face.

Then without warning he stops.

I ask him what is wrong. He says he is just overloaded & wants to chill. We stop for a few minutes. I sense something is up, but I can't put my finger on it. I offer to leave. First he says no, but eventually changes his mind. As I'm gathering up my leftovers we are chatting. Being me I took the whole thing personally & felt like crap. He swears he is just in stuck in his head & needs to clear his thoughts.

I guess if it ended there I'd have considered this par for the course & not given it a second thought. However, this is my life & there just has to be something to add to it's fucked up quotient. While we are saying goodbye the boy in question decides to make a vain attempt at making me feel better about the now awkward situation. He proceeds as follows:
1) Picks up some objects off the bookshelf & begins juggling them for me.
2) Picks up a quarter & does a magic trick to make it disappear.
3) Picks up his cat & carries it around the living room like a pelt.

Only then am I allowed to escape the nightmare this had become.
Why me?

Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather

2005-09-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

I have had to confront yet another parent & child sex discussion today. It has not even been two weeks since the fiasco with Grandpa getting some at the nursing home. Hell, this may even be karmic retribution for my post about Grandpa. Karma is such a bitch.

My mom & I were harmlessly chatting about trying to get a bank transaction reversed. Then she decided to click on the 'profile' button. She in fact did not get her profile, but got mine instead.
Welcome to one of the most mortifying conversations of my life...

Me: Transaction services sent me to card services, card services sent me to ach, but ach is out of the office so they sent me to accounting. Ok, I may have gotten it corrected, so just check the fax in a little while. Gretchen is going to tell Sarah the new fax number
Mom: ok
Me: It'll be some sort of half filled out ACH transaction form
Mom: k
Me: Basically it is authorizing the unauthorizing of my prior authorization
Me: Fun hey?
Mom: confusing collarme.com?? {On the off chance it isn't apparent Collar Me is a BDSM Site}
Me: what>
Mom: accidentally clicked profile and it is yours not mine
Me: don't look
Mom: not anymore
Mom: too scary
Me: hah
Me: Anyway, because it is within 60 days the cu seems to think it wont be an issue

Notice how NOT smoothly I handle that? Could I have deflected suspicion any more poorly?? Maybe said it was like Petco and I like shopping for cat collars there? Granted then she may have looked at it. Groan. On the one hand it was sort of my fault for having it out there, but my mom is no chat goddess or anything. The threat should have been minimal at best.

I adore my mom & we are very close, not this close. My mom is a sweet, if not naive person. Most of the seedier things in life she has learned because she had me as a daughter.

Yes, I am into BDSM. I am also more than comfortable with my kink status. I am not open, but not totally closeted about my sexual proclivities. Since I live with my mom she is bound (no pun intended) to notice a few things. I have a pin on my purse that says dominate, but it was a gift from a dear friend. I have black leather knee high boots. My blog & some of my other handles are prefaced with the word 'kinky'. However, none of these things scream sexual deviant quite the way a link to Collar Me does.
Oh, but I do recall our first conversation about handcuffs going about as well. It was a Sunday morning, the paper is being read, coffee is being drank...
Mom: (whispers something)
Me: What?
Mom: (attempting to be cool) I said you need to be more careful about leaving your handcuffs out.
{My mind is racing for why this has come up. What has she found? What does she know?}
Me: What are you talking about?
Mom: You left them on the staircase ledge {The stairs have an upper & lower ledge, my mom does not ever come upstairs unless she thinks I am dead}
Me: Oh, those handcuffs? I won them when Adrianna & I were at the arcade after dinner. You know, you win tickets and trade them in for stuff? {Sadly this is true, I was drunk & won them at the arcade, hell they were still in the box}
Mom: Oh, ok. Well, you still shouldn't leave that stuff laying around.
Me: What were you even doing upstairs?
Mom: I had to take the flooring guy up to measure the spare room. Luckily I saw them sitting there, grabbed them, shoved them under my shirt & snuck them into your bedroom before he could see them.
Me: (laughing hysterically) Ok, was it worth the 007 effort to make sure the flooring guy didn't see the handcuffs?
Mom: What would he think if he had?!?!
Me: I'm not boring in bed?

God, my poor mother.

**Update: Ok, apparently I misunderstood my mom. Tonight she decided to revist the Collar Me issue. Why? I have no clue. Anyway, it seems she did in fact click on the link. She actually said "I thought it was some BLOGGING thing". Then in some attempt to bond with me proclaims that she doesn't like swingers. Well, good mom because I'm into beating on boys. I mean what the hell do you say in that situation? I'd just like to crawl in a hole & die now.

Blogwars: Week 3 Results

2005-09-23T12:43:00.000-05:00

For Piggy Cheater:

Enjoy it while it lasts PT. You can't have that many friends!!

Tuesday: Monday the Sequel

2005-09-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of talk about the Supreme Court as of late. In honor of this I have decided to explain what I think the next constitutional amendment should be & why.

Kinky Poe's 28th Constitutional Amendment: No person should have to leave their house on a Tuesday if they feel it is not necessary or in fact may be detrimental to their well being.

Here is the deal: I have NEVER had a great Tuesday. I will inevitably feel angst ridden, bad things will happen & I will repeat phrases such as 'It's really irritating to be alive on Tuesdays' or 'Why did I leave the house this morning?' throughout the course of the day.

All the other days have a place, some redeeming quality to them...
Monday: The first day of the week, how bad can it be?
Wednesday: Affectionately known as hump day. I've heard this has something to do with being in the middle of the week. Apparently I was misinterpreting the term hump. Oops.
Thursday: Hey, it's almost Friday. Often a payday for people & the weekend is in your sights.
Friday: TGIF - Look it already has an acronym. Clearly a beloved day.
Saturday: Free from the grind. Personal time abound.
Sunday: The best day of the week to feel pointless & it is completely ok to do so. Church & football reign supreme on this special day of the week.

But what about Tuesday? Nothing more than Monday, the sequel as far as I can tell & in true sequel form, it is not as good as the original.

I have done some informal studies on how others feel about Tuesdays. It seems there is a secret epidemic plaguing our country called Tuesday. I can not find anyone who has good Tuesdays. No one seems particularly fond of them. Some examples of recent Tuesdays:
09/20: I came down with my first case of hives. Ever had hives? I had no clue what was going on & was fairly certain that something straight out of Invasion was taking over my body. Low & behold I just ate too many fresh tomatoes from my cute elderly neighbor's garden. Well, it's either the tomatoes or stress. The giant, roving, itchy masses that plagued my body last night were not very specific in why they showed up.
09/20: From an email I got: "You'd do me a favor if you killed me."
08/30: My mom had finally found her dream car to replace her beloved ol' Acura TL. A white loaded, 2002 V6 Honda Accord. She picked it up on Friday night. A whopping 3 days later her pristine baby gets nailed from behind by a pregnant woman. She came home completely broken hearted & you know what I said? "Of course your new car got hit, it's Tuesday!"

Originally I contemplated taking Tuesday out of the week entirely. However, I feared that another day would simply take over Tuesday's residual bad karma. Therefore I propose that Tuesdays become wholly optional. There will be no penalty if you choose to hide under the covers in the safety of your bed all day. Any missed work will be paid leave. There is no bad to this plan. Well, unless your house starts on fire...And if it does I am positive it will be on a Tuesday.

Stupidity: It's not just for breakfast anymore!

2005-09-19T12:44:00.000-05:00

The intellectually challenged people I meet almost always seem obliviously happy. Some time ago I cracked the mystery as to why...
Clearly they are not smart enough to be unhappy about anything.
With that said I was sorting through some old papers & stumbled across this old article I had to share:

Among the Inept, Researchers Discover, Ignorance Is Bliss
By Erica Goode

There are many incompetent people in the world. Dr. David A. Dunning is haunted by the fear he might be one of them. Dr. Dunning, a professor of psychology at Cornell, worries about this because, according to his research, most incompetent people do not know that they are incompetent.

On the contrary. People who do things badly, Dr. Dunning has found in studies conducted with a graduate student, Justin Kruger, are usually supremely confident of their abilities -- more confident, in fact, than people who do things well. ''I began to think that there were probably lots of things that I was bad at and I didn't know it,'' Dr. Dunning said.

One reason that the ignorant also tend to be the blissfully self-assured, the researchers believe, is that the skills required for competence often are the same skills necessary to recognize competence. The incompetent, therefore, suffer doubly, they suggested in a paper appearing in the December issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. ''Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it,'' wrote Dr. Kruger, now an assistant professor at the University of Illinois, and Dr. Dunning.

This deficiency in ''self-monitoring skills,'' the researchers said, helps explain the tendency of the humor-impaired to persist in telling jokes that are not funny, of day traders to repeatedly jump into the market -- and repeatedly lose out -- and of the politically clueless to continue holding forth at dinner parties on the fine points of campaign strategy. Some college students, Dr. Dunning said, evince a similar blindness: after doing badly on a test, they spend hours in his office, explaining why the answers he suggests for the test questions are wrong.

In a series of studies, Dr. Kruger and Dr. Dunning tested their theory of incompetence. They found that subjects who scored in the lowest quartile on tests of logic, English grammar and humor were also the most likely to ''grossly overestimate'' how well they had performed. In all three tests, subjects' ratings of their ability were positively linked to their actual scores. But the lowest-ranked participants showed much greater distortions in their self-estimates. Asked to evaluate their performance on the test of logical reasoning, for example, subjects who scored only in the 12th percentile guessed that they had scored in the 62nd percentile, and deemed their overall skill at logical reasoning to be at the 68th percentile.

Similarly, subjects who scored at the 10th percentile on the grammar test ranked themselves at the 67th percentile in the ability to ''identify grammatically correct standard English,'' and estimated their test scores to be at the 61st percentile. On the humor test, in which participants were asked to rate jokes according to their funniness (subjects' ratings were matched against those of an ''expert'' panel of professional comedians), low-scoring subjects were also more apt to have an inflated perception of their skill. But because humor is idiosyncratically defined, the researchers said, the results were less conclusive.

Unlike their unskilled counterparts, the most able subjects in the study, Dr. Kruger and Dr. Dunning found, were likely to underestimate their own competence. The researchers attributed this to the fact that, in the absence of information about how others were doing, highly competent subjects assumed that others were performing as well as they were -- a phenomenon psychologists term the ''false consensus effect.'' When high scoring subjects were asked to ''grade'' the grammar tests of their peers, however, they quickly revised their evaluations of their own performance. In contrast, the self-assessments of those who scored badly themselves were unaffected by the experience of grading others; some subjects even further inflated their estimates of their own abilities. ''Incompetent individuals were less able to recognize competence in others,'' the researchers concluded.

In a final experiment, Dr. Dunning and Dr. Kruger set out to discover if training would help modify the exaggerated self-perceptions of incapable subjects. In fact, a short training session in logical reasoning did improve the ability of low-scoring subjects to assess their performance realistically, they found. The findings, the psychologists said, support Thomas Jefferson's assertion that ''he who knows best knows how little he knows.'' And the research meshes neatly with other work indicating that overconfidence is common; studies have found, for example, that the vast majority of people rate themselves as ''above average'' on a wide array of abilities -- though such an abundance of talent would be impossible in statistical terms. And this overestimation, studies indicate, is more likely for tasks that are difficult than for those that are easy.

Such studies are not without critics. Dr. David C. Funder, a psychology professor at the University of California at Riverside, for example, said he suspected that most lay people had only a vague idea of the meaning of ''average'' in statistical terms. ''I'm not sure the average person thinks of 'average' or 'percentile' in quite that literal a sense,'' Dr. Funder said, ''so 'above average' might mean to them 'pretty good,' or 'O.K.,' or 'doing all right.' And if, in fact, people mean something subjective when they use the word, then it's really hard to evaluate whether they're right or wrong using the statistical criterion.''

But Dr. Dunning said his current research and past studies indicated that there were many reasons why people would tend to overestimate their competency, and not be aware of it. In some cases, Dr. Dunning pointed out, an awareness of one's own inability is inevitable: ''In a golf game, when your ball is heading into the woods, you know you're incompetent,'' he said. But in other situations, feedback is absent, or at least more ambiguous; even a humorless joke, for example, is likely to be met with polite laughter. And faced with incompetence, social norms prevent most people from blurting out ''You stink!'' – truthful though this assessment may be.

All of which inspired in Dr. Dunning and his co-author, in presenting their research to the public, a certain degree of nervousness. ''This article may contain faulty logic, methodological errors or poor communication,'' they cautioned in their journal report. ''Let us assure our readers that to the extent this article is imperfect, it is not a sin we have committed knowingly.''

Blogwars: Week 2 Results

2005-09-19T12:37:00.000-05:00

For Piggy:

Note all lines go through quite nicely this week.

Zeig Heil Little Flag

2005-09-18T21:35:00.000-05:00

I read up on the recent decision of Judge Lawrence Karlton which affirmed the reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance as unconstitutional. I am happy to mark one down for my 'team'.

I happen to be one of the people who gets riled up about the 'under god' portion of the pledge or the 'only one god' part of the ten commandments. I don't believe in god. Thus, any reference to god makes my skin crawl a little. It also means there is no way to incorporate religion into something that would make me feel any better. However, it is NOT because I have some secret Atheist agenda. I do not think school is the place for anything religious be it the commandments, intelligent design or the pledge. Parents should be responsible for teaching those things in their home or at a church. If someone has a desperate need for religion & education to comingle then they can send their kid to catholic school.

The Ten Commandments:
Why posting the ten commandments is even at question is beyond me. Not only is it religious, but it is blatently christian. So, basically to satisfy one group we should offend everyone who is not a christian? It doesn't seem logical to me when religion could simply be left out of government institutions, state buildings, etc all together. A lack of religion in public places doesn't offend anyone, it just means the religous have to eliminate those places as marketing opportunities. I mean Trojan can't advertise condoms before a certain time of night. So I'm just backing the idea that christians can't advertise in state sanctioned places. No biggie.

The Pledge:
There is a creepy Nazi-esque quality to saying the pledge. I remember standing up everyday in 7th grade geography, facing the flag & rambling off the preordained paragraph. Though years before I became an Atheist I do remember thinking this was silly & pointless. Do we need to have publically sanctioned daily allegiance to prove we are happy to be Americans? Not to mention when you force kids that age to recite things they become oblivious to it. We were 30 sleepy, 12 yr olds in a room with no windows. I promise I was not thinking about the pledge when I recited it. I was all about the cute boy in the second row & who I was going to sit with at lunch. I know I was not thinking "Yay, I'm still a fucking American just like I have been everyday since birth". Plus, wouldn't it be quicker to just have all the kids give one good 'Zeig Heil' & get back to learning something they don't already know?

Intelligent Design: Not even going there. If you buy into that & we need to have a much longer discussion about a little thing I call reality.

The more the religious try to infiltrate the state the more it makes me want to fight back. If the religious right would just get keep their religion to themselves I wouldn't feel the need to antagonize them so much.
Eh, I think I am having a 'why can't we all just get along?' moment & should promptly end this ramble.

Doing My Part To Piss Off The Religious Right

2005-09-16T16:37:00.000-05:00

I saw this on another blog & had to share it (with tongue in cheek of course):

Does anyone wonder why I am scared of religious folk??
I'm perfectly content with my non-prostelytizing Atheism. At least I can go to bed at night knowing I'm not using terrorist tactics to convert others.

Knee-mail Gets A Friend

2005-09-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago I put up a post about god answering knee-mail.
Much to my surprise I stumbled across the perfect webbsite to promote the whole knee-mail thing:
Pray4theusa.com
They advertise right on the front page that I can get "prayer points".
I had no idea you could earn points for this whole prayer thing. I wonder is it like my rewards card at that gas station or the cash back bonuses that credit cards offer? Is it possible I might be able to earn my way out of hell? Can I get a buy one get one free on miracles?
Alas, I was disappointed to find out I misinterpreted the context of points. When I clicked on the prayer points tab all I got was a sort of tip sheet on what to pray for.

Is it just me or does it defeat the purpose of praying if you need to be told what to ask for? I'm no zealot or anything, but I guess I don't see a high level of devotion involved in reading a weekly email to god.

Now, if you are very into this whole knee-mail, prayer via the web idea you should also check out The Presidential Prayer Team.
Team? It's football season. The only team on my mind is the Green Bay Packers. You know what I'm praying for? I'm praying the Pack get a touchdown this week.
Granted, I'll admit if I was into the whole prayer thing I can see how Dubya is at the top of the list in terms of needing some divine intervention:
"Lord, save my ass from all my bad decisions, my low IQ & my evil, evil thoughts about bending Condi over my desk"

Oooh look! I made a prayer point!!

Unruly Bush

2005-09-15T11:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, I can't stop myself from posting my 2 favorite Bush pics that have come out recently...

The rapidly spreading 'potty break for Bush'. I have two concerns on this one:
1) Why is he posing this as a question to Rice? Is she also the Secretary of Urinals?
2) How come our president can't commit to either capital letters or not? BATHroom. Hmm, clearly an indicator of his ability to focus.

Did this really have to be labeled 'Breaking News'? I was well of his failures after the first four years.

Ikea & FEMA: Co-Conspirators?

2005-09-14T18:17:00.000-05:00

Here is a safety tip: Never injure yourself at an Ikea store. The odds of it being lethal are pretty high.

Not all that long ago I took a day trip with my mom down to the Ikea in Schaumburg IL. We arrived in the morning right as they opened. Apparently it was some sort of employee training day because everywhere we went there was a troop of little blue shirted smurf-esque looking people intently listening to some sort of leader smurf. What I did not know when I first saw these future employees was that they were in fact being trained to function about as effectively as FEMA.

Eventually, I made my way to the office furniture. The desk I want is sitting out on the floor. Perfect. I go to one of the Ikea outposts where you can check catalogs, grab paper & a pencil and what not. I take one of the disposable tape measures provided at said outpost & head back over to measure the desk's height. In an attempt to straighten out my pseudo tape measure I accidentally slid my finger across the edge of it. I proceed to give myself an inch long paper cut on my finger. Not only does it hurt like hell, but I am bleeding excessively. I was looking for an employee when I catch sight of one in a small side office. The young man is on the phone, but behind his head I see the holy grail, a first aid kit. I was standing there for what seemed like an eternity. I was getting antsy so I had my mom take over the waiting. I return a few minutes later and announce 'He is still on the phone?'. My mom's response was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard:
"He had to make another call because he is not authorized to give out bandaids"
I have heard of red tape, but are you kidding me?? NOT FUCKING AUTHORIZED TO HANDOUT ADHESIVE STRIPS!
Not that I'm a risk or anything, but haven't the Ikea employees heard of blood born pathogens? How about AIDS? I could be rampantly contaminating cheap Swedish items with my fierce ass paper cut.
Some twenty minutes after the initial injury I finally got the prized bandaid. Of course by that time I was no longer bleeding.

I have since come to the conclusion that Ikea is clearly in cohoots with FEMA.

Sex & Death

2005-09-13T19:03:00.000-05:00

The 502, myself & Northern Born Southerner have been going round & round about the concept of Atheism (Post). It got me to thinking about my own beliefs...again. The odd thing about beliefs is you don't really contemplate them until someone challenges you on them. They are an innate part of who you are. It becomes almost like breathing. I decided to put some thoughts down for anyone else who wants to flip out on me because I'm a non-believer....

It occurred to me a lot of my posts are inadvertently about sex & religion. Notably, my sex & religion posts also get the most comments. So my readers must be on the bandwagon as well. What bandwagon? The Sex & Death bandwagon.

Most of my beliefs about the world come from Sociobiological theory. For those of you who don't know...
Sociobiology is a synthesis of scientific disciplines that attempts to explain behavior in all species by considering the evolutionary advantages of social behaviors (Thanks Wiki)

Here is the deal:
1) Sex: You can boil almost anything down to having a reproductive motive (Has anyone counted the mommy blogs lately?)
2) Death: Everything that is not about reproduction is usually about survival. Religion is a mechanism people use to deal with their own mortality.

I know it isn't the most sugar coated of philosophies, but it works for me. I think that is all anyone can honestly say about their beliefs. None of us can technically prove we are right or wrong. The important thing is that whatever you believe makes you a better person. If I can do that without a 'god' figure good for me. If a supreme being gets you through the night, more power to you.

Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra

2005-09-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

Human nature dictates a mental block exists wherein children & parents cannot conceptualize the other having sex. Children want to believe they were immaculately conceived, parents want to think their children die virgins. Anything else is icky.

Last night I turn up at Breakers, a bar/gun club where my cousin was having her 30th birthday party. You know you are asking for trouble when there are two family events less than seven days apart. Don't get me wrong I had a nice time & all, but the first conversation I walked into was one of the most unnerving imaginable.

My grandfather was put into a nursing home almost a year ago due to his alzheimers. My uncle Michael took on the responsibility of being his legal guardian. Did you know included in this responsibility is guardianship of someone's sex life? Yeah, me either.

Grandpa had previously been talked to about kissing a female friend at the nursing home. I had not heard anything of the nursing home vixen since then. Well, it seems Grandpa requested permission to have sex with this woman. By state law the home has to afford him this opportunity, but there are a few catches:
1) His doctor has to deem him healthy enough for sexual activity
2) His guardian (aka his son) has to sign paperwork allowing him to have sex

Being far enough removed from my grandpa I can see the humor in the situation. However, the six of his seven children who were at that party were only so thrilled. My mom, the eldest, is most concerned that Grandpa could break something. I promptly offered the idea of looking into sexual injury insurance. It's kind of like personal injury, only more specific.

I wonder what kind of pickup lines the octogenarian crowd uses...Are there a lot of ill fated references to being able t o take out your teeth? Is being the nursing home stud involve things like 'Hey baby, I'm depends free'?

However, bar none the most depressing aspect was the idea that grandpa might get some this week & I won't.

Blog Wars: Week 1 Results

2005-09-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

Vote For A Fetus

2005-09-10T14:37:00.000-05:00

I realize I am a somewhat disturbed individual. My sense of humor is a tad dark, but it's all part of my charm. This is just a warning for my request...
I came across the Fetusmart website last night & found it hysterical. I have decided to add a Fetusmart Fetus to my sidebar, but am having a hard time picking one. So I will offer a poll on the matter. Leave your vote in the comment section & help me adopt a fetus!
1) The Death Fetus:

2) The Emo Fetus:

3) Other Fetusmart Fetus (Please specify)

Again With The Religious

2005-09-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

I am a devout Atheist (if you can be devout & an Atheist). I tend to be of the belief that everyone can have their beliefs, just don't give me shit about mine.
That being said I can't help but think some people set themselves up for attack. There is a company I pass on the freeway near my house that likes to 'advertise' little religious sayings for the hapless masses forced to drive by. Today's message topped all others:
"God Answers Knee-mail"
My first thought was 'Wouldn't it be more correct to say kneel mail?', but that sounds dumb. Then I started contemplating the hilarity of the statement itself. I think I need a knee-mail address. What would the dot com be on that anyway?
Some ideas:
xxx@AmITalkingToMyself.com
xxx@DoesGodHaveReturnReceipt.com
xxx@MyKneesAreShotCanIUseSitMailInstead.com
xxx@UsuallyWhenImOnMyKneesThereIsAManInvolved.com

I wonder how often god checks his knee-mail. I bet there are some southerners thinking 'Not fast enough'.
Anyway, I think I will work on this whole god email domain idea some more....

Relativism Rules!

2005-09-09T00:38:00.000-05:00

Not feeling particularly witty or verbose today, so I will post someone else's wit:

God, Protect Me From Your Followers

2005-09-07T20:39:00.000-05:00

Unbeknownst to me the hurricane was a gift from god. Luckily, the Christian right has again come to my ignorant aid. This article over at Agape Press lays out how Katrina is one of the good things god has done for the world.

"New Orleans now is abortion free. New Orleans now is Mardi Gras free. New Orleans now is free of Southern Decadence and the sodomites, the witchcraft workers, false religion -- it's free of all of those things now," Shanks says. "God simply, I believe, in His mercy purged all of that stuff out of there -- and now we're going to start over again."

My bad. Here I thought nature had taken its course and New Orleans got the short end of the stick. I am obviously mistaken. Again, I get down on my knees & thank the good Christians who jumped to point out the error of my ways. The world is now free from abortions, witchcraft & sodomy. Whew. I was getting worried.

But, wait...
What if the people who practice these things made it out alive?
What if they are spreading their evil voodoo abortions & anal sex in Texas?
What if there are co-conspirators elsewhere in the country secretly donating lube & coat hangers?
Is the Red Cross needlessly fueling the fire?
Is someone out there checking to make sure that everyone getting food, water & shelter is not some unholy sodomite or baby killer?

Didn't Hitler color code Jews, homosexuals & gypsies during the holocaust? We should definitely implement this for Katrina refugees.
I'm thinking:
Brown = Sodomites
Red = Baby Killers
Black = Non-believers, witchcraft practicers
Rainbow = Mardi Gras enjoyers & Homosexuals

I need to garner some support for this color coding movement. So please take advantage of this chance to bind ourselves together with more hate. You never know when these opportunities will come our way again.

Support The Color Coding Of Sinners!
Get Your CCSM Support Ribbon Here!

Iron Hymen

2005-09-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am not keen on the idea of abstinence. I think this parody of the concept is beautiful. Don't miss the male counterpart either: Sex Is For Fags.

Mexican Hat Dance On My Soul

2005-09-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

My best friend actually called me from a bar at 1030p on Saturday to break the news: Chief Justice Rehnquist is dead at 80.

I was a political science major with a law studies emphasis. I also reside in Rehnquist's hometown Milwaukee, WI.

I'm obsessed with the Supreme Court. I find it to be the least corrupt & most noble of the three bodies of government. Although very few people realize it, the Court is also the most influential body. I often feel the members of the Court are more important than who is president. Any old Dubya or Reagan can achieve the glorious post of dumb figurehead. One actually has to be qualified to make the Supreme Court. Unfortunately the dumb figurehead gets to nominate the people who will eventually hold these positions.

Right on the heels of Sandra Day O'Conner's retirment we are slammed with this tragedy. Along with the war in Iraq, the devastation of New Orleans there are now two open positions on the court. My worst fears are being realized. This was the single most important issue to me when I voted in the last two presidential elections. I did not want Captain Doorknob selecting any of these lifetime positions. This is the only irreversible decision he will make. The ramifications of what happens next are massive & long lasting.

Dubya idolizes the Justices I most disagree with (Big shock). He would love a court full of little Scalia wannabes. I on the other hand actually would like to have some of my civil rights left when he leaves office.

Rehnquist was appointed as a conservative. That being said he ended up not being a wholly conservative Justice. One of the most respectable things about Rehnquist is that he didn't make his judicial decisions along an ideological line (Granted coming from Wisconsin at the time he did, Rehnquist was likely far more Socialist than anything else). He worked diligently to keep a 'balanced court'. That is what we are losing with O'conner's departure & Renhquist's death, balance. I am happy to let the conservatives have a voice on the Court, but I don't want them to be the only voice.

As a woman, the scariest part of this shifting court is the abortion issue. I don't necessarily want to kill babies, but I am a gownup & think I should be able to make those types of decisions for myself. The government can't get out of Iraq or clean up New Orleans, but they get to decided whether or not I should be a mother? Fuck that.

I honestly think the Rehnquist Court was one of the most successful in the history of the body. I am terrified at what the future now holds for us.

Rehnquist was an important & pivotal figure and he will be sorely missed.

To Hell & Back In An Afternoon

2005-09-05T10:23:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had the token Labor Day family gathering.

I have a relatively large family as my mom is the oldest of seven & all the subsequent breeding has led to a healthy number of us. Amidst the chaos I noticed that there was something distinctly amiss with my prescence: I was the only person in attendence without a significant other. I am used to being the black sheep in my family. I am relatively certain no one thinks I am a closeted lesbian. However, the older I get the more I feel this creepy stigma attached to my perpetual singlehood. I have Bridget Jones-esque nightmares about ending up in festive sweaters trying to attract men at gatherings.

Normally I have my black sheep partner in crime my Uncle Rob. He for like the last decade or so has been my compatriot in damning the family trend. Alas, even he turned up with the 'girlfriend'. To which my wannabe frat boy cousin promptly cheered, cheered in that way that screams 'It's good to know your not gay since you live near Boystown (a heavily homosexual neighborhood in Chicago) & all'.
Also new to our insane family events were girls belonging to the frat boy cousin Peter & my cousin Scott. Almost immediately, Uncle Breeder (He has 5 kids & an irritating wife) acosts my Aunt for a status on the seriousness of Scott & Peter's situations. Why does he care? Is this critical information? I don't even bother to learn people's names until they show up at least two Christmas parties.

I don't understand the need to be betrothed. I like having men in my life, but that doesn't mean I am out to trap one, suck out his soul & keep his shell around for the next couple decades. I broke eHarmony. I refuse to wear lipstick to the gas station just in case the one is at the next pump. I have never sent a man to sleep on the couch. I'd rather fuck my friends because I already know I like them as people. My most successful relationship involved not dating for a year.

But leave it to your family to make you feel like the freak of the century.

Pocahon-Dog

2005-09-03T19:18:00.000-05:00

No words are really needed for this one.

Is it just me?

2005-09-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

My Katrina thoughts of the day:
How is it one could misplace a child during a natural disaster?

I have come across a couple of these 'Mom cries over missing kids' type captions. I'm no parent, but I have seen those child leashes used rather effectively at the mall. I can understand the people who were washed away or what have you, but how on earth do you evacuate & forget your offspring?

And the 'Could it get any worse?' award goes to these people whose evacuation bus tipped over. Bet there are going to be some new Atheists coming of that load.

Watersports (or My Obligatory Katrina Post)

2005-09-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

Warning: Unpopular Opinions Ahead!
I dodged the Sheehan fiasco. I ignored the Chavez debacle. However, since Katrina isn't just political BS I will throw up the obligatory post on it.

Is it a tragedy? Yes.
Does it suck if you are in New Orleans? Yes.

That being said I am really tired of the faux insincerity that comes out of people during events like this. I can't stand how every other day of their lives people could give two shits about the world around them. It always takes a 9/11 or a Katrina to snap people out of their self involved little bubbles.

"I sat & cried"

No you didn't, you are in fucking North Dakota or Vermont or some other dry fucking place just like the rest of us thinking 'God I love my shit, I'm so glad I didn't lose all my shit'.
I do not believe people across the country are sitting around in tears over the victims of the hurricane. If you are I feel doubly sorry for you since you are exactly the kind of hypocrite I am talking about.
I don't trust people who only care when it is warranted. Caring about others is one of those things you either do it or you don't. If there has to be a natural disaster to stir up your teflon coated emotions, please keep you sympathy to yourself.

Then there is the question of whether or not sympathy is warranted. I feel for those who lost everything & are being shuffled off to Texas like Palestinian refugees. I feel for those too young to comprehend what has just happened. I do NOT feel for the looters armed to the teeth ready to off anyone who screws with them or the dvd player they just hijacked.
Sadly, the looters represent more of this country's mentality than anything else I have seen.

What upsets me the most is the pets. I have long felt that animals were better than people in a lot of ways. Their emotions are genuine, they treat you how you treat them, they are truly noble creatures and they will never be looting with an AK47 strapped to their paws. I know that had I been confronted with a situation like this my pets would be as safe as I was even if it meant I could carry a few less meaningless possessions.

I could go on, but instead I'm just going to leave some pictures I have found particularly relevant to my feelings on Katrina.

The Good:
The Bad:The Ugly:

Help these victims too:

Sex & The Single Girl

2005-08-29T19:18:00.000-05:00

Do you remember a time before you had a sex life? The time when you still just 'had sex'? It recently occurred to me just how much the mating dance changes during your twenties.

The Evolution:
Age: Under 20 yrs old
Status: You are happy to get any sort of play at all, you may be a virgin, you do not have a sex life.
Age: 20 - 25 yrs old
Status: You now have a sex life, it may be with one or several partners, you have become easier to get in bed, you still religiously use condoms, you start to embrace those annual STD tests.
Age: 26 & Beyond
Status: You no longer need pretext to have sex with someone, booty calls are a viable option, you base condom use on the respectability of your partner, you begin to fear becoming the old whore at clubs, you still embrace the annual STD test but begin to think 'This is why people get married'.

Let me explain how I came about these profound revelations. This is a series of emails between me & a 'friend':
"Could I interest you in getting a drink with me?"
"Perhaps"
"What if I told you to get a drink with me?"
"Then how could I refuse?"
"I don't think you could."

This all sounds fairly innocuous right? It's possible this is a harmless, somewhat uninteresting exchange. However, I am in the 26 & beyond stage of my sex life. Since that is the case let me translate this conversation into what was actually being said:
"I'm horny, are you available?"
"I could use some sex"
"I really need to get laid & won't be taking no for an answer"
"You are right, we should fuck."
"Good, we will have sex in the near future"

I am the kind of girl who would rather skip the subtly & just have the second conversation straight away. Unfortunately, I have to play the tact game just like everyone else. The good news is men are simple creatures. The penis is simply a dysfunctional light switch for the male brain. Flip it on & the rest turns off.

I never did get a drink, but I did get laid.

Piss on Parco P.I.

2005-08-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

Dammit why hasn't reality TV died off yet?
I like documentaries. My favorite channels are A&E, Discovery, The History Channel, Court TV & the like. Let's be clear: I pay for cable explicitly so I do NOT have to suffer through the ridiculous shit on regular TV.

I do not want to marry a millionaire, nor do I need to survive temptation island, become a Hilton or guess who my daddy is. It is all crap.

Over the last year or so I have suffered through the horrible decline of my beloved A&E. I have seen the quality programming I love so much slowly overtaken by the likes of Intervention, Airline, Family Plots, Dog the Bounty (or in my house: Bunny) Hunter, Inked, etc. I recall a time when one could learn something on TLC that was not filmed in a garage. A time when Discovery didn't feel the need to get in on the home decorating craze. A time when A&E didn't even consider airing a show with Mindfreak in the title. Call me nostalgic, but these channels were much better before they jumped on the moron bandwagon.

I have found solace in Court TV where they still have a grasp on what those of us with an IQ above 17 find interesting. Unfortunately, I feel they are succumbing to the same fate. It all started with Fastlane. Why they felt the need to create an action show is beyond me. Does the Forensic Files watching crowd really seem like they need a jolt of high speed car chases & danger? Hell No. Then to make it even more depressing it stars Tiffani Thiessen. When will she accept that the pinnacle of her acting career was as Kelly Kapowski on Saved by The Bell? When Court TV started playing the ads for Fastlane I turned a blind eye. Call it denial, call it what you will. I could not accept the downfall of the last idiot proof channel on my cable guide.

Enter Parco PI. Parco is another one of these 'Look I have a fucked up family & a job' type shows. I don't know about the rest of you, but who doesn't have a fucked up family & a job? Are most people really brady bunch-esque and crave something screwed up for their viewing pleasure? I highly doubt it. As if the show's mere existence isn't upsetting enough, Court TV seems to have dug up the most stereotypical New Yorker they could find. He is pudgy, angry & has the bad NY accent. If Court is going to screw with my channel could they at least have opted to be mildly less predictable?

Let's review some cable show premises shall we?
- Dog the Bounty Hunter: "I am a bounty hunter, with a fucked up family."
- Family Plots: "I run a morgue, with a fucked up family"
- Parco PI: "I am a private investigator, with a fucked up family"
- Growing Up Gotti: " I am rich, with a fucked up family."
- Intervention: "I am fucked up, with a fucked up family."
- Knievel's Wild Ride: "I jump things on a bike, with my fucked up family."
- American Chopper: "I build motorcycles, with my fucked up family."

DOES ANYONE SEE A TREND HERE??
I am so sick of a culture that aspires to placate stupid people.
Creativity is out. Original thoughts are passe. Common sense is dead.
If you want some reality trying turning off the damn TV for once.

Abstinence Redefined.

2005-08-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

On the heels of my tirade about the young & the sexless I find this lovely rant by Bill Maher. Much like Bill Clinton modern day Christian teens apparently have a very specific & literal on what constitutes sex. Much to my amazement the religious definition of abstinence has been altered to non-reproductive sexual activity (Read: God is ok with anal & oral sex).
My biblical knowledge is escaping me at the moment...Anyone know if Jesus liked anal? Or was that against the rules? How about oral? It seems like the kind of thing that would have been en vogue in the old testament.

This all makes me think about my 14 yr old niece who came back from Christian camp with a faux-hawk (It makes her look like a kewpie doll). Not to mention she recently self-pierced her belly button. I wonder if her ultra Catholic parents know she is on the verge of anal sex?

A Short Post On Midgets

2005-08-25T16:12:00.000-05:00

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Will Trade a Turkey Slicer for One Sticky Midget

Reply to: anon-89738807@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-08, 2:09PM

Looking for a sticky midget who doesn't drink or smoke, and has had their shots. Must be Catholic and not afraid of water. Yodling is a plus. Serious inquiries only.

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I am most curious what exactly makes said midget sticky?
More proof that I am on the wrong planet.

Nothing is sacred to the religious

2005-08-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

At 26 much of my childhood has slipped away, but I still have a grumpy bear, a charm necklace & a few memories in tact.

What I do not remember is Clifford the big red dog donning devil horns. However, there is always the chance that drugs have irreparably damaged my mind thus leaving me mistaken about things. Luckily, I found these helpful Christians to show me the error of my ways. I now see that puppies are the secret weapon of homosexuals & pagans who promote this red dog blasphemy.

I realize there are people homeless, starving, dying in wars, etc but we need to focus people. The downfall of humanity is clearly at hand.

But I Don't Want God In My Threesome!

2005-08-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

The Young & the Sexless

I read this article a few weeks ago & was so disturbed I feel it is my duty to share the pain. Especially the parts about 'Tight nylon shorts' which are apparently a big thing for Stephen Arterburn. Can you say repressed fetish?

As long as you stay pure -- resist jerking off -- you can wear your masturband. Give in, and off it goes, a scarlet letter in reverse...I notice he's not wearing one now. He's not embarrassed. Sexuality, he believes, is not a private matter.

Does anyone announce their masturbation habits through jewelry? No. Why? Because it is lame. My mom does not need to know how long it has been since I have or have not masturbated. Not to mention I would probably never have the damn thing on, because oh yeah - MASTURBATION IS NORMAL & GOOD! Also, if sexuality is not a private matter then why aren't you calling Dubbya for new positions & lube recommendations? I am sure Laura takes it in the ass every now & then. Why not go hog wild & totally regulate the activity? I am talking time, place, type, length of intercourse...As far as I'm concerned people can screw hanging upside down from a chandelier as long as it is consentual.

Every encounter must be a kind of threesome: man, wife and the Lord. Without that, it's just fucking.

I have had threesomes, the lord declined his invitation. Thank god for small favors & staying the fuck out of my orgies. Besides if I was the one who got to pick Johnny Depp & Jill Hennesey would be getting phone calls long before god.

For single men, wet dreams, if purged of sexual imagery, can act as God's natural release valve.

Does anyone think this is possible? And does it count if you don't remember your dream being hot?

Women obsessed with winning the privileges of men rather than learning to enjoy the pleasures of Christian submission, men demanding the fast-food sexuality of explicit imagery.

The last time I checked I wasn't interested in winning the pleasures of a man. However, I am all for winning the pleasures of an orgasm.

He [Power] was a man known to be on fire for God. The girl - a "baby Christian," in the lingo -- wanted to get closer to that warmth. She did so the only way she knew how: "A blow job," says Power...The experience, he says, broke his heart. What it did for the girl, he can't even imagine.

Does anyone really just melt into a puddle over someone who is hot for jesus? And since when does receiving oral break a person's heart? Did she not do it right? Refused to swallow? A biter perhaps? Word on the street is those baby christians tend to be biters.

I could go on forever about purity manuals, masturbands & outpatient clinics for the horny. I'm just so upset that this is the youth's view of sexuality. Why on Earth would someone choose to deny their own sexuality? It is such a core part of being human. I am constantly trying to expand, not contract my sexual horizons. Have you seen 40 Days & 40 Nights? There is a reason to masturbate, there is a reason we crave sex. It's all part of being an upright animal. Why is this so traumatic for people? Fighting something so inherent in our nature is going to lead to a lot of screwed up people.
Need proof? Look into this country's best loved serial killers. I really believe if Dahmer could have gotten into a nice BDSM community things would have turned out so much differently.

If you just can't get enough christian anti-sexness also check out True Love Waits - It is equally disturbing.

Get Off The Bandwagon Already

2005-08-23T21:53:00.000-05:00

There are 2 things I will never go in depth on in my blog:
1) Cindy Sheehan
2) The Pat Robertson/Chavez Debacle

Why? Because when it comes right down to it there are a million people beating these topics to a bloody fucking pulp. Not only that there are far more interesting things I could think of to talk about. Belly lint for example or why Im convinced everyone in Russia actually has a furry hat on at all times.

I could bang my head into a wall for hours trying to figure out why people in this country fall in line like sheep at the drop of a hat. Just because Katie Couric thinks something is worth talking about, doesn't mean it actually is interesting or important.

Ironically, I have to mention these things on my sacred blog this one time because Im so irritated I had to vent. There is only so much a girl can take before her head explodes.

Non-smokers Die Everyday

2005-08-22T13:27:00.000-05:00

I smoke. I love smoking. There are worse things I could be doing, trust me.

I was forced to spend some time in this godforsaken, missing link town known as Wausau. Let me recap my friday night confrontation at the Applebee's Restaurant in Wausau...
My friend & I enter the Applebee's primed for Mudslides, a good bitch session & a few smokes. A perky blonde hostess informs us there is no smoking in the restaurant. Mouth agape I try to digest this information. Liquor, no cigarette, liquor, no cigarette...
While this is registering in my brain the conversation continues:
"We have a smoking post"
"Oh, you have outside seating?"
"No, a smoking post" the twit hostess reiterrates while pointing out the door behind us.
What the fuck? Smoking post? Am I horse that needs to be hitched up outside to said post? For those of you not in the know, this is a smoker's post:

Needless to say we borrowed the Applebee's phone book, found a more smoker friendly envrionment in a nearby town & promptly took our business elsewhere.

On Saturday we ran into a similar situation, except we were already outside. While enjoying peach margaritas & some mexican food on the patio of El Mezcal a family of four is seated at the table next to us. Upon their entrance the mother (complete with hand waving gesture) annonces 'Someone is smoking out here.' No shit lady. You can sit in the restaurant, the out of doors is smoker's turf. The restaurant gave me an ashtray so piss off.

Irritated as I may have been there is a bright spot to the story. On Sunday while munching on pizza at the non-smoking Rocky Rococos I pickup the local paper to read this wonderful, heart warming story on the front page! I congratulate Mr. Jusufi on defying the smoking ban at his 'private club' the Red Apple Restaurant. Damn the man!

Smoking is legal. If it bothers you I don't particularly care. Children bother me & I have yet to see a no screaming brat section, or a children's post outside.

Until smoking is illegal feel free to kiss my ass & pass me the zippo.

FBI's Most Wanted Meets Eharmony

2005-08-18T21:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, Im probably one of the few people who has never checked out the FBI's most wanted list. This all changed today thanks to the Court TV website. I had no idea how much being wanted resembles the average online personal ad.

Take James Bulger for example. James is a murderer with an average build, blue eyes, a tad short and in his mid seventies. He also enjoys libraries, history & long walks on the beach according to his FBI personal.

Our next potential hottie: Robert William Fisher. Again, a nice complete physical description & picture. Rob is also an avid hunter, fisher & outdoorsman. No need to worry about that pesky first family as he killed his & blew up the house. Still can't get enough of Rob? The FBI has provided a quaint video of Fisher holding a child with a dog running around him.

Im not entirely sure how the remarks listed are going to help nab a criminal, but if you are looking for a successful, criminally minded date this may be the site for you.

Death To Coldplay

2005-08-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

I have had a severe disdain for Coldplay ever since I was forced to listen to that piece of shit, fished out of U2's trash song Clocks incessantly. Now every time I login to my Rhapsody account they are trying to shove the X&Y album down my throat. Then the coup de tat that sent me over the edge into seething hatred: Coldplay Answer to Prayers.

Let's revist the lyrical brilliance of Clocks for a minute shall we?

Lights go out and I can't be saved,
Tides that I tried to swim against,
You've put me down upon my knees,
Oh I beg, I beg and plead,
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple of my head,
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed,
You are, you are

I am pretty sure I wrote a poem similar to this my Freshman year of high school. I believe I got a C+. An 80 yr old gray haired woman deemed my poetry average. I think she'd feel the same way about Coldplay.

Let us not forget the chorus:

You are,
And nothing else compares,
Oh no nothing else compares,
And nothing else compares

I could really use some help on the chorus....I just can't decide if Chris Martin is stuttering or if he just really loves incomplete sentences. Call me crazy, but to the best of my knowledge a metaphor inovles comparing one thing to another. I suppose much like everything with Coldplay, this was a half assed attempt at writing.

As if I wasn't already oozing with contempt for Coldplay, I then read the prayer anwering article which proudly proclaims:

"It's safe. It's nothing groundbreaking. It's comfort music. There are no sonic surprises...I don't even know that I'd call it rock 'n' roll. It's more easy listening."

Is this what people want from their music today?!? Something that proudly wears the badge boring & safe? Is there a Conservatist agenda to fuck with rock & roll? I don't like my sex vanilla, so why would I want my god damn music to be?

Music is art! The people who create it should be ARTISTS!
Fuck American Idol.
Fuck Souless, Vanilla music.
Fuck Dubya friendly rock.
Fuck Coldplay.

See what happens to needy women?

2005-08-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

I am not sure which part makes of this makes me happier....

It could be because the reason the woman was killed involved post coital Sportscenter viewing.

Alternately, it could be I enjoyed the fact that he needed a hammer to kill her because the knife had bent while he was stabbing her face.

Ah, American ingenuity.

My Superpower

2005-08-10T01:39:00.000-05:00

Normally I get laid enough to avoid having these kinds of thoughts, but everyone has weak moments.

Screw laserbeam eyes, or super strength...
I want the ability to shoot angry ticks out of my nipples!

I am not sure why this appeals to me, but it does. I think it has a quaint, unexpected & unique flair to it.

Pie Chart of Thoughts

2005-08-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

A fun trick to play on someone you find less than intelligent: Ask them to breakdown a pie chart of their thoughts. Not only does this force them to use their brains, but it will also give you insight into why this person is an idiot.
To be fair, I have included my pie chart:

My New Tattoo

2005-08-02T20:54:00.000-05:00

This would be my new tattoo. I love it, even though it currently hurts like hell. Damn healing process.

Why did I get it?

Well, my best friend & I had decided that it has been 7 years since our last tattoos. So it was already a topic of conversation when I promptly got fired from my job on Friday. Not to mention Monday was my 26th birthday.
So, in honor of my firing/birthday we packed up Adrianna's dad & trucked off to Black Dragon. In just a few short hours I had a new permanent mark on my body.

What is it?

Technically, the design comes from the unofficial symbol for BDSM. For me it is an overall ode to my deviant sexual nature. On the off chance I ever get too old to be kinky I have a reminder of my more liberal days.

I really get off on my tattoos in some very off abstract way. I'd say it's spiritual, but that's not quite it. Then again it could just be my masochistic streak reveling in the pain.