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Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra

9/11/2005

Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra

Human nature dictates a mental block exists wherein children & parents cannot conceptualize the other having sex. Children want to believe they were immaculately conceived, parents want to think their children die virgins. Anything else is icky.

Last night I turn up at Breakers, a bar/gun club where my cousin was having her 30th birthday party. You know you are asking for trouble when there are two family events less than seven days apart. Don't get me wrong I had a nice time & all, but the first conversation I walked into was one of the most unnerving imaginable.

My grandfather was put into a nursing home almost a year ago due to his alzheimers. My uncle Michael took on the responsibility of being his legal guardian. Did you know included in this responsibility is guardianship of someone's sex life? Yeah, me either.

Grandpa had previously been talked to about kissing a female friend at the nursing home. I had not heard anything of the nursing home vixen since then. Well, it seems Grandpa requested permission to have sex with this woman. By state law the home has to afford him this opportunity, but there are a few catches:
1) His doctor has to deem him healthy enough for sexual activity
2) His guardian (aka his son) has to sign paperwork allowing him to have sex

Being far enough removed from my grandpa I can see the humor in the situation. However, the six of his seven children who were at that party were only so thrilled. My mom, the eldest, is most concerned that Grandpa could break something. I promptly offered the idea of looking into sexual injury insurance. It's kind of like personal injury, only more specific.

I wonder what kind of pickup lines the octogenarian crowd uses...Are there a lot of ill fated references to being able t o take out your teeth? Is being the nursing home stud involve things like 'Hey baby, I'm depends free'?

However, bar none the most depressing aspect was the idea that grandpa might get some this week & I won't.

10 Comments:

My grandmother is 79. She recently had some irregular heartbeats. Her first questions to the cardiologist were concerning whether she could continue enjoying the things she likes most: sex, wine, and coffee.

Lalalalalalalala I cannot hear grandma!

10:04 PM  

okay, to tell you the truth, I had trouble reading past "a bar/gun club" *snort*
but, yeah, I hope I'm still wanting sex when I'm 80...we're not dead till we're dead! Lets not live like we are.

11:14 PM  

written permission for sex.....!!!!!!!!!!

well rules r not that strict even for teenages....

12:14 AM  

A Bar/Gun club???

1:00 AM  

Well, shit. Go Grandpa!

And damn, maybe I need to move into an old-folk's home... they clearly have a line of getting laid that I just don't have.

1:02 PM  

Wow. I think everyone should have to do paperwork to have sex. Solve the abortion and AIDS problems.

As for the bar/gun club, the archery range I used to practice at served beer. I always thought it was a volatile combination.

6:32 PM  

That's about the most hilarious post ever.

1:40 PM  

oh god, I can't imagine asking for permission to have sex, the shame, the shame...

xxB

9:34 PM  

"Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra"

this title gave me a chuckle ;)

[waves "hello"] ;)

11:43 PM  

what a great piece of writing - whimsical, yet touching

~shane

10:56 PM  

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