Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: Ikea & FEMA: Co-Conspirators?


Ikea & FEMA: Co-Conspirators?

Here is a safety tip: Never injure yourself at an Ikea store. The odds of it being lethal are pretty high.

Not all that long ago I took a day trip with my mom down to the Ikea in Schaumburg IL. We arrived in the morning right as they opened. Apparently it was some sort of employee training day because everywhere we went there was a troop of little blue shirted smurf-esque looking people intently listening to some sort of leader smurf. What I did not know when I first saw these future employees was that they were in fact being trained to function about as effectively as FEMA.

Eventually, I made my way to the office furniture. The desk I want is sitting out on the floor. Perfect. I go to one of the Ikea outposts where you can check catalogs, grab paper & a pencil and what not. I take one of the disposable tape measures provided at said outpost & head back over to measure the desk's height. In an attempt to straighten out my pseudo tape measure I accidentally slid my finger across the edge of it. I proceed to give myself an inch long paper cut on my finger. Not only does it hurt like hell, but I am bleeding excessively. I was looking for an employee when I catch sight of one in a small side office. The young man is on the phone, but behind his head I see the holy grail, a first aid kit. I was standing there for what seemed like an eternity. I was getting antsy so I had my mom take over the waiting. I return a few minutes later and announce 'He is still on the phone?'. My mom's response was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard:
"He had to make another call because he is not authorized to give out bandaids"
I have heard of red tape, but are you kidding me?? NOT FUCKING AUTHORIZED TO HANDOUT ADHESIVE STRIPS!
Not that I'm a risk or anything, but haven't the Ikea employees heard of blood born pathogens? How about AIDS? I could be rampantly contaminating cheap Swedish items with my fierce ass paper cut.
Some twenty minutes after the initial injury I finally got the prized bandaid. Of course by that time I was no longer bleeding.

I have since come to the conclusion that Ikea is clearly in cohoots with FEMA.


I am saddened by your experience at Ikea. Not only is it one of my favorite furniture stores, it is THE store I used to frequent. Go there for lunch and get the Manager's Special. Mmmm,... meatballs.... The employee you had to deal with should be flogged. Why must such losers be in such a happy place? You shouldn't have had such an experience at the Disney World of furniture stores. There is no Ikea here in south Florida, and now I have a taste for meatballs.... and a flogging.

8:26 PM  

No worries, I still love the Ikea. I just found the experience wildly amusing.

I'm always up for a flogging.

1:55 PM  

You must not live that far from the IL/WI border if you visit that store. I grew up as a flatlander not too far from Schaumburg.

Somehow, I knew you would be into flogging. ;)

The 502

8:58 PM  



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