Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: To Hell & Back In An Afternoon


To Hell & Back In An Afternoon

This weekend I had the token Labor Day family gathering.

I have a relatively large family as my mom is the oldest of seven & all the subsequent breeding has led to a healthy number of us. Amidst the chaos I noticed that there was something distinctly amiss with my prescence: I was the only person in attendence without a significant other. I am used to being the black sheep in my family. I am relatively certain no one thinks I am a closeted lesbian. However, the older I get the more I feel this creepy stigma attached to my perpetual singlehood. I have Bridget Jones-esque nightmares about ending up in festive sweaters trying to attract men at gatherings.

Normally I have my black sheep partner in crime my Uncle Rob. He for like the last decade or so has been my compatriot in damning the family trend. Alas, even he turned up with the 'girlfriend'. To which my wannabe frat boy cousin promptly cheered, cheered in that way that screams 'It's good to know your not gay since you live near Boystown (a heavily homosexual neighborhood in Chicago) & all'.
Also new to our insane family events were girls belonging to the frat boy cousin Peter & my cousin Scott. Almost immediately, Uncle Breeder (He has 5 kids & an irritating wife) acosts my Aunt for a status on the seriousness of Scott & Peter's situations. Why does he care? Is this critical information? I don't even bother to learn people's names until they show up at least two Christmas parties.

I don't understand the need to be betrothed. I like having men in my life, but that doesn't mean I am out to trap one, suck out his soul & keep his shell around for the next couple decades. I broke eHarmony. I refuse to wear lipstick to the gas station just in case the one is at the next pump. I have never sent a man to sleep on the couch. I'd rather fuck my friends because I already know I like them as people. My most successful relationship involved not dating for a year.

But leave it to your family to make you feel like the freak of the century.


I hate family stuff. Luckily my family is small on my Mum's side and only 3 of us talk to each other.

As for my Dad's side, they all live in another country.

As for the hubby's side, well...

I can't escape. Last year I became very ill at Christmas and thought Yay, I can get out of it for one year. Boy was I wrong.

6:45 PM  



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