Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me


Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me

(or Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather Part 2)

I love the original CSI and would do William Peterson in a heartbeat. Recently I noticed there are a ridiculous number of episodes dedicated to offbeat sexual practices. Out of the three episodes that have aired this season alone two have involved strange sexual fetishes. I use to enjoy these episodes quite a bit. I still do but now there is a catch. Since the Collar Me ordeal I can no longer watch CSI with my mother.

Why not? Well, every time anything remotely sexual comes up I get my mom's version of a public service announcement on the dangers of kinky sex.

Take last week's episode, Room Service. It involves a man who accidentally dies practicing autoerotic asphyxiation (self strangulation). I made the mistake of coming downstairs right at the end when the cause of death is being revealed. I hear something about autoerotic asphyxia and hurry into the kitchen.

Mom: (yells out) Did you hear that?
Me: (playing dumb, petting cat) No. What?
Mom: On CSI the guy died choking himself, you know that asphyxia stuff.
Me: Oh....umm, that's not good.
Mom: You know those collar people are into those things. You need to be careful.

Thanks for the tip mom? I should have just explained I am not really into the whole choking thing because of an A&E documentary I saw on Herb Baumeister. Baumeister was an Indiana based serial killer who seduced men & then strangled them. It was all related to his asphyxia fetish. Ever since then I've been leery of the idea. Of course then she would have accused me of giving too much information.

The bigger problem here is thanks to syndication CSI has become the Law & Order of the new millennia. This means one can find an episode of CSI on at almost any hour day or night.
Some episodes I'd rather not bond with mom over:
Slaves of Las Vegas & Lady Heather's Box: Both revolve around a dominatrix named Lady Heather
King Baby: Adult babies anyone?
Snuff: 'nuff said
Fur & Loathing: The lovable furry & plushy crowd is explored

Not to mention the episodes involving midgets, the Association of Plus-Sized People, mother-son incest and all the other oddities the writers over at CSI love to revel in.

True to form this week's episode was all about a husband with a biting fetish...I stayed safely in my room for the duration of the episode.


"Those Collar People" that is too funny, I can only imagine how ackward that could be. Don't knock biting until you try it.

2:23 AM  

I'm just waiting to see Petersen's character finally be seduced by the was SOOOOO waiting to happen on that one episode.

11:13 AM  

Truth is, most of these crime drama plts come from true stories. Shocking at times, hey?

7:27 PM  

I can imagine your mom saying:

"Honey, you don't like to step on mice with big high heels, do you? I mean, there have been a few shrews in the garage lately since winter is coming up, but it seems rather mean and certainly messy. I hope Those Collar People are not into that. Also I'm concerned about women who smoke cigarettes with their hoo-haa. It seems like that would open up a whole new cancer risk, don't you think? Honey, where are you going? You know you shouldn't run in the house. Hey, don't slam the door so loud!"

But perhaps I'm projecting.

1:57 AM  

Forthcoming epsiode to avoid with mom: the furry fetish man in diapers bites the autoerotic asphyxiatic.

-- d.a.

4:41 PM  

Oh my... I think I'm going to have to start watchng CSI. Apparently, I've been missing some interesting topics. :)

And yes, I know. I'm the only person on the freakin' planet who has never seen it.

5:05 PM  

Eric - I'm very worried about hoo-haa smoking on serveral levels thanks to you. Hehe.

BJ - You definitely should check it out. I think you'd get a kick out of some of them...but just the original. The other ones are boring.

5:11 PM  

I love CSI too, and would love to jump William Peterson's bones. I love the kink episodes and the furry one made me look on the web to see if the fetish was real (it is). I shouldn't have to leave the room when watching the show, just try not to look directly at your mom instead.

1:21 AM  

i LOVE the original... so much i watch the oldies on SPIKE after work. and will only make plans and answer calls after the show or during commercials. sad.

2:40 PM  

Wow, talk about uncomfortable.

I rememeber once when Showgirls (ouch yuck I know) came out on video and I rented it to see what the hype was all about.

Anyway my mother decided to sit and watch with me and my boyfriend. Anyway during the one scene in the pool I forgot mom was there and I looked at my boyfriend and went oh could that be more fake just like some of those porn movies we rent.

He spit out his drink then I remembered who else was in the room.

She turned bright red and I just yelled out a big KIDDING to cover my ass.

6:14 PM  

I've never seen any of the CSI shows, but there was a 6 Feet Under where somebody died of Auto Erotic Asphixiation. And of course, there was Michael Hutchence, former INXS singer who died that way in real life.

8:59 PM  



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