Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: How To Lose A Job In One Day


How To Lose A Job In One Day

I have been somewhat MIA. The new year & all has me on several missions to improve my current lot in life. The most important one being I really want a job. However, I am apparently the worst potential employee known to man. I have two job hunting nightmares for those of you who share and/or laugh at the pains I am going through to find employment.

1) Freud? Is that you?
I have a huge problem with the hip new trend of psychoanalyzing potential employees. Last Friday I set up two interviews for the following Monday. Before my scheduled interviews I was asked to complete some assessments. "Some assessments" turned out to be about ten total. Isn't that a tad excessive for two companies? Anyway, I don't mind taking the company's gay little tests as long as they are relevant. The tests broke down into three categories: Personality, practical & 'What the fuck?'. I am fine with practical assessments. If you want to make sure I know what a mouse & keyboard are, fine. The other two types on the other hand irritated me to no end.

*Personality Assessments:
Honestly, this seems like cheating to me. Everyone glosses over the bad & highlights the good things about themselves to get a job. It is part of the game. Nobody goes into an interview saying 'Hi I'm a complete jackass but I can fake my way through a work day'. Having a potential employee take a personality test is really taking away their ability to well, lie. For a job with the geek squad I was forced to take a 20 page personality test. It's the fucking best buy. Get over yourselves. I also have had to take the Disc Classic test as well as identify my Jungian personality type. I really don't think whether or not I like to take solitary walks on the beach has anything to do with how I perform at a job. If this was the FBI or something I might understand a deep seated concern about my sanity. However, for your average job I don't think the pre-employment psych drill is necessary. I know I'm a little neurotic, crazy & sometimes I hate people. So what? Find me a person on this planet who is exactly the same at work as they are outside of work. It doesn't happen. So to all the companies out there who love these tests I offer this advice: Take you pseudo shrink practices & shove them up your ass.

*What the fuck? Assessments:
I open the second assessment I was sent from a particular company & find it titled "Sales Success Profile". I guess this wouldn't have been too upsetting had I been applying for a sales job. I am not a sales person. I couldn't sell water to someone stranded in the desert. On top of that I was in fact applying for a PC support job. PC support, as in user breaks computer, I fix it. So I open this 50 question multiple choice test all about sales. I swear I would have rather done calculus while being sodomized. As far as I could tell the questions broke down into the how much should you lie to people questions, what to do at a presentation questions & how to be a good sales person questions. I fix computers for a living you fucktards! I know nothing about qualifying a buyer, making a close or what the hell a 'bird dog' is unless you are talking about golden retrievers. Needless to say I had a very unproductive 10 minute interview with said company & promptly got a thanks, but no thanks email.

2) A One Day Stand At Anal Inc:
Believe it or not, I got a job this week. However, I think I may have set a Guinness record for going from unemployed to unemployed again. My week went something like this:
1:30pm - 4:15pm: Interview at Anal Inc
6:00pm: Get job offer from Anal Inc

2:00pm: Go to recruiter's office to fill out paperwork & take drug test (onsite - it was a little creepy)

9:00am: Start job
My day then consisted of sitting around staring at people working, asking a few questions and bonding with the other new employee. I also noticed that the job seemed very much like a part time job I had when I was 20. If I wanted to sit in front of host sessions looking up customer information all day I would have gone back to that job where I at least like the people.
5:00pm: Leave job wondering how long I would have to be there before I was driven to kill myself. However, I was still trying to be optimistic about the fact that I at least had my foot in the door somewhere. I figured I could prove myself as I went along.

7:00am: Brave ice storm to arrive at job. Sit through an hour and a half of training that was for people who already knew the system.
8:30am - 12:00pm: Sit & stare at other people working.
12:00pm: Recruiter arrives to tell me I have been deemed 'not a good fit' for the position & escorts me out of the building.

Yup, I managed to bomb this job in 8 hrs flat. I'm not entirely sure how. The explanation I was given by the recruiter was I was not a 'good fit'. Anal Inc had determined this by the time they had their daily call Wednesday night. 'Not a good fit' was determined by two actions: I had asked for a computer on the first day so I could log my time (though the other new guy had asked as well) & I didn't seem enthusiastic about training. Thinking back to the day before the only thing I said related to training was I asked if the training would be beneficial and/or relevant to us since we really didn't know anything about the systems they used. Apparently the supervisor (who I hadn't interviewed with & he seemed rather bitter about that fact) translated my question into: "I don't want to be here". A radical interpretation of the text don't you think?

I will say that it was not the job they had purported it to be. It may have seemed technical to non-technical people, but me & the other new guy both agreed the job was strictly a customer service rep position. Since that was the case we were a little confused as to why Anal Inc had hired two highly technical people at roughly twice the pay rate of any other employee. I know we were making that much more because my cohort had apparently got into a discussion about pay on the first morning of the first day. I later explained that for future reference he should not ever bring up pay with coworkers.
It also became apparent that I was the only college educated person outside of the management. I have found this tends to intimidate people. I don't flaunt it or anything. However, I happen to be an educated person & will not portray myself as anything less than that.

Overall, it was a disaster. I had a weird vibe from the second I showed up for the interview. I thought it would pass & I'd at least be able to stick out the job for a few months until I could find something else. Guess not.

I get the distinct feeling my numerous job hunting disasters are a sign of something. What that something is I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I am suppose to go to law school or start my own business with my mom...If this is a sign though, I wish someone would come & translate it for me, because clearly I'm missing something.

I think I'm too smart & assertive to be a good drone, but not experienced enough for a company to give me a chance at something more than that. I'm willing to be a grunt for awhile, I know I'm not above that. However, I think my personality is so distinct people read me incorrectly, make assumptions about me & then are compelled to act on their interpretations. Alternately, I am just a total bitch and don't even realize it. I guess I'd be more apt to believe the latter if I had some horrible work history or bounced jobs. That just isn't the case. I have never been at a job for less than 3 years in my life. So, what the deal is I'm not entirely sure.

Alas, I am back to square one...Stayed tuned for more fear & job hunting in Wisconsin.


Assuming that "not a right fit" doesnt mean "failed the wiz quiz" then you should be happy to no longer work for Anal Inc.

Actually, either way.

Wishing you the very bestest job ASAP, preferably one that doesn't not involve higher math or bring-your-own-lube day.

10:17 PM  

It's clear to me: They didn't deserve you. What a debacle.

-- david

5:03 AM  

Hey girl! Chin up! It could have been worse...there actually could have been calculcus and sodomy!

Hubby suggests The Tripod start a catering/interior design firm. We'll throw you a hell of a party and redecorate your living room in one fell swoop!

Any thoughts?

1:14 PM  

man what a hassle job hunting is. that place sounded like a waste of your time. I think you should aim higher for jobs you're not qualified for... we've been doing interviews for an opening at my place and find people lie on their resumes and then look like fools during the interview -- so if you do that at least have a decent BS explanation :)

6:52 PM  



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