Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: Faking It


Faking It

Ah, if only I were talking about orgasms....At least those are something I don't have to fake. Nope, I am actually referring to the latest twists & turns in my unending quest for employment.

Most of February was dead in terms of the job hunt. I don't mean slow either. I mean dead as in I'd get better responses from the people in the local Sunnyside cemetery dead. I continue to dutifully hock my resume, send out applications, etc to no avail. Occasionally I get a rejection letter for a job I interviewed for 3 months ago, but other than that nothing.

Convinced I am doing something 'wrong' in my job search I like to read articles for tips & tricks to aid in my search. I have to say there is some depressing news out there about job hunting. However, the most disturbing by far was this article about embellishing one's resume. I was shocked to learn that over 50% of all people lie on their resume. Some articles I read put it as high as 75%. Well, shit no wonder I don't have any sort of edge. I'm too busy being honest.

It also claims that fudging your resume can come back to haunt you. Except, it references people who got awfully damn far lying on their resumes. Think FEMA's Michael Brown & Radioshack CEO David Edmondson. Oh yeah, lying on their resumes really screwed them. Like these people didn't make enough money before they got caught for it to really matter. Much like Enron, I have a distinct 'Too little, too late' feeling about the whole thing. Plus, they may have lied before, but now these people have the actual experience they wanted to put on a resume. Edmondson doesn't have to lie now because he actually was the CEO of Radioshack. I'd say that looks pretty good on a resume.

I'm not big on lying. As a matter of fact I suck at it which forces me to be honest 99.9% of the time. So this seems radically unfair (for lack of a better term) to me. Thanks to this article I was sent off into the world of faking resumes. There are sites that will dummy up a resume for you. Hell, even ones that will give you a fake degree & have a phone number so employers can verify it. Clearly if there are people out there taking advantage of this shit it is not surprising why I have absolutely no edge over other candidates.

Now, everything you read from HR people says they always find out or it will come back and bite you in the end, but I don't really buy that having been in the throes of the job hunt for the last 7 months. I can count on one hand the number of people who requested my job references. Out of those I think maybe one employer actually called them. You are your piece of paper.

I'm not naive. I understand there are people who lie on their resumes, but the high number of people doing it simply astounded me. So, where does that leave me? Apparently still unemployed & totally fucked.

Irritated by the whole you should lie more fiasco I continued reading job hunting articles. I think the psychic's guide to finding a job is my all time favorite. I guess if I can't get a job by lying I should at least get me one of them Court TV psychics to tell me it's all going to be ok.

The other line I'm sick of hearing is that it's my area. I am suffering from a horrible location. Here in Wisconsin the term "brain drain" pops up every few years. We are home to one of the best universities in the country - UW Madison. However, once people are done with school they run for the border faster than a taco bell commercial. We rank 7th in exporting college graduates & 49th in importing them. 49th? Out of 50? What that tells me is I am not in the right state for smart people. The ones who do get jobs get them because they know somebody, not because they are talented or even qualified for a job. Now I know about 60% of jobs are gotten through networking. Umm, yeah that is great if you have a network. I am 26 & probably one of the only people my age I know with an actual resume. My network consists of mostly tortured artists who have day jobs to fund their wild aspirations of doing things like making it big with the band or sailing around the world on a boat because it would be 'cool'. So unless I aspire to fry cook my network isn't really going to do me much good.

Then there is money. Graduates who leave Wisconsin for full time jobs earn almost 25% more than those who stay. The irony of all this is that I am currently unemployed & therefore I don't have the money to move out of my sinking ship of a state. Again I feel unemployed & totally fucked.

So here I am with no job in a state that doesn't appreciate educated people, shopping for psychics & good liars. This is not what was in the brochure.

As a new approach I've decided to open up my resume to the people who read my blog. Any tips, lies or jobs you'd like to offer I am all ears.


This is going to sound like the dumbest comment ever about a resume. It's ugly. I know that sounds stupid, but what it says is that you don't care about how it appears, and that sends a bad message to employers. Microsoft word has a lot of pretty templates that you can use to make it look better. Remember the resume is the first thing they see of you, and you want to make a good quick impression. People remember nice looking resumes, they don't remember ones that look like a standard computer print out. I know it sounds dumb, but it could be one of those stupid liitle things that makes all the difference. (this is coming from someone who just had to sit through a 'how make a great first impression' class where I had to learn about pretty resumes.

1:45 PM  

It just looks that way on the web page hun. The actual word version has a template & what not. Notably the real version also has my contact info. So, it was slightly modified for the blog.

2:01 PM  

I just downloaded it and will give it a solid look in the next couple of days. I review a LOT of resumes and will be able to offer you some tips, if you want. Shoot me an e-mail to davidamulet (at) yahoo (dot) com, and I'll send comments to you directly--not for all to see.

-- david

2:55 PM  

Honesty is the best policy, but nice guys finish last. Being a girl, I don't know if that applies...

Good luck on the continuing search! If you need advice, albeit Useless, feel free to dop by.

9:54 AM  

baby, streamline it. and spice up certain lines, like instead of just saying "Migrated users from Lotus Notes v4.5 to 5," say, "Efficiently managed and handled Lotus Notes migration of a billion users in just two seconds." okay, im slightly kidding, but the point with resumes is the same with every other piece of literature: give it some punch, and deliver it as short as possible. it's not lying. it's selling, it's identifying your strengths and focusing the attention on them.

or maybe you can earn from your blog. sign up with google adsense. folks from as far as Manila earn $2k monthly from the ads on their blogs or websites alone. serious.

4:28 AM  

Agree with jb here - it's an impressive resume but maybe go for "shorter and punchier".
My bf has been job hunting for the last 6 months, same crappy lack of response, odd interview. Best of luck with your job hunting.

5:19 PM  

Maybe punch it up a wee bit.

Replace Technical Skills with:

I know Unix and I know eunuchs.

I know most versions of Lotus and I know Downward Facing Dog.

I’m down with SMS and S&M.

I know Internet Explorer and Anal Intruder.

I can read, write, and Photoshop with Adobe and I can roll a nice doobie.

I have experience with Ontrack but have never been on crack.

I’m experienced in TCP/IP, LAN, WAN, JAN, Marsha, and Cindy.


Have fun with it. It's like Chicken Soup, can't hurt!

7:44 PM  

You need an impact sentence before you list your technical skills. It would be hard to consider someone based solely on a bulleted list. I kind of wished you were talking about orgasms too. Just sayin’

8:57 AM  

Thanks for the tips everyone (sans Eric - arent you the funny one?). Overall consensus is it needs more 'pep'. Ah, if only Id been a cheerleader in high school...

I guess Im struggling with that since all the shit Ive read says you also neeed lots of hard numbers. Grr. Adjectives & concrete data? Wtf kind of schizophrenic am I spose to be? An if I pull it off who wants to hire a crazy person? :P


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2:55 AM  



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