I Go Through Two Lighters A Day!

I am one of those smokers who actually enjoys smoking. I may have contemplated quitting for ohhh, about 2 hours one day. I decided against it. Being a smoker I also tend to revel in the irony of things like non-smokers who die of lung cancer. The most recent example being Dana Reeves. Non-smokers who die of lung cancer support my belief that when your number is up it's up. It's right up there with being killed by a falling icicle. Fate is fate and smoking is probably not the end all, be all determinant regardless of what people would like you to believe. If smoking, drinking & drugs were an automatic death sentence, then explain Keith Richards. On the flip side of that, explain the olympic athletes who just arbitrarily dropped dead. Besides, I have yet to meet an immortal non-smoker.

It may sound cruel to revel in another's death, but it takes the edge off my irritation with this country's neverending quest to fuck with my ability to smoke. I mean I realize there are still illiterate children, homeless people & that pesky Iraq conflict going on, but clearly the government believes my cigarette smoking is going to be the downfall of humanity.
I already go outside! What more do you fucking want? It isn't crack, it's a marlboro and is what keeps from killing 50% of all people I come in contact with so I highly recommend letting me light up.

Anyway, I have recently discovered a new spin on the whole smoking issue. Believe it or not, smoking may be good for you! I know what all you non-smokers are thinking right now: Smoking? Beneficial? That is crazy talk!

So I have come armed with supporting evidence....

Case#1: Quit smoking & get a disease!
My cousin who recently turned 27 has been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sounds pleasant hey? All I know is my aunt has now shared way too much information about my cousin's colon with me - The enemas, scopes, color pictures & do it yourself poop smears. It also means he will be on medication for the rest of his life or possibly end up with surgery.
It's sort of a strange disease in terms of what causes it - As far as researchers know it is caused by a combination of genes, a person's immune system & environmental factors. They also believe that emotional stresses can cause flareups.
Shortly before the disease appeared my cousin decided to quit smoking for what I swear is at least the 5th time. I even gave him shit about it at Christmas asking how long it would last this time.
The best part of all this? His doctor told him that quitting smoking may have caused his current bout of problems. Not only is there an emotional stress tied to quitting smoking, but apparently doctors have found that smokers with UC have less problems. They think something with the nicotine keeps it at bay.
Whoo hoo! Score one for the smokers!

Case#2: Who smokes more than the Chinese?
Well, maybe middle easterners, but that is beside the point. After hearing about my cousin I came across this article claiming there are redeeming things in cigarettes:
Holy smoke! Chinese city turns cigarettes to medicine
Apparently they have found a component of cigarettes called solanesol that helps treat cardiovascular disease.

Case#3: Sex Doesn't Have To Be Terminal!
I guess it was just the week to be a smoker. Black people get a month, women get a month & it appears the last week was an ode to the benefits of smoking. Who knew?
My last enlightening article is this one:
Do Plants Have The Potential To Vaccinate Against HIV?
It talks about using genetically modified tobacco to create an HIV vaccine. How fucking cool is that? Talk about the ultimate slap in the face! The evil tobacco monster being used to vaccinate against HIV?
If it ever came to fruition I'd want everyone of those morons (smokers & non-smokers alike) who sued a tobacco company to line up at Philip Morris' door & apologize for being a pretentious idiot, for bitching that a picture of a camel could lead to the collapse of America & for not owning up to the fact that smoking is a personal choice.
I want the freedom to light up. However should I get lung cancer or emphysema I am not going to blame the tobacco companies. If I get into a car accident can I sue Mazda for making a nice car that I wanted to buy & drive around in? Please.

If you are a non-smoker who is all ready to berrate me with a comment or even just someone who appreciates a good laugh, I leave you with the following bit on smoking by the late Bill Hicks:

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you.

I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.

How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready?
Non-smokers die every day.
Sleep tight.

See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed."

I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung - it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations...

We live in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead? "I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now."
What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears.
"I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes."

Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial!

"I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead! Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other....One day that life is going to get to you, Yul."

They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.

People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.

(Sniffs) "Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!"

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day.
I tried to run, they had more energy than I.
I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
Many of them smelled me.
(Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"