The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 1

*The spring fever slot machine*

If your brain looks like the above picture do not panic! You are simply suffering from an affliction known as spring fever. It is okay if your brain only process the following items:
Sex. Food. Sleep. Repeat as needed.

As of late I too have been suffering from what is commonly known as 'Spring Fever' (aka Mating Season). I think this is one of the best & worst things about living somewhere with four seasons. I enjoy the natural high of winter turning to spring. However, it tends to cause behavioral changes usually only associated with people known to have a major mental illness.

Do you have spring fever? Not sure? Well, in order to help people self diagnose the dreaded spring fever I will share my unmistakable symptoms.

Major Symptoms:
1) Sleeplessness.
The strong desire to run around like a speed freak until you can no longer see straight. Most likely you will have no particular task in mind. You just have to 'do stuff'.
2) Mini hibernation.
Following up the bursts of energy with naps, not just any old nap either - I'm talking the sleep of the dead. Keep a pillow handy at all times.
3) The overwhelming desire to hump things.
Boys, pillows, doorknobs...whatever crosses your path pretty much. Trust me, that is not a gun in his pocket, he is happy to see you. This is the time of year when one is most likely to engage in (& should embrace) lots of random hot sexual acts. During spring one's libido is in fact not within the owner's control. It is actually being toyed with by fate. Personally, I think this is evolution's little joke to see just how far you can push the hormones of your average person before they crack.
4) Deviant Behavior.
Aside from the food, sex & sleep there is the compulsion towards reckless endeavors. I recently found out my cousin (the mechanic) gets a killer discount on new Mazdas from the dealership he works at. My gut reaction was to have the place write up the papers on a brand new Mazdaspeed6 with all the toys - Black leather, 6 speed, rims, spoiler, 275 horsepower turbo in cherry mica. Mmmm, fun. Like an orgasm with tires...
I did manage to refrain for the time being. Instead I redirected my need to buy something frivolous towards a less expensive toy. I reserved my Nintendo DS Lite & new Mario game this weekend. Not exactly the same, but it managed to satisfy my craving for something I don't really need & there was roughly a $30k savings that came along with my decision.

Minor Symptoms:
1) A radical shift in the music on your playlists.
For example I had Breathe by Anna Nalick at the top of my list. Just a few short weeks ago my life was in fact an hourglass glued to the table. Now, for completely inexplicable reasons I find the theme to Fame at the top of my list. Yes, Fame...as in 'I want to live forever, Fame'.
2) Everything that blooms or grows seems amazing.
At no other time of the year will you see a dandelion & think it is a beautiful flower set before you like a gift from god. Under normal circumstances one would look at a dandelion & think 'Fucking weed, you are the cause of my allergies, the scourge of the earth & may even bring on the downfall of humanity'.
3) Weather leaves the realm of reality & becomes a mental phenomenon.
So, even though it is 45 degrees & pouring rain you drive with the window rolled down. Why? Because in your head you know that it is May & therefore you can drive with the windows down. Granted you still have the heat in the car cranked to full blast & a parka on, but god dammit, it's SPRING!!!
4) Spring Cleaning.
This term is a misnomer. It implies that in the spring people aspire to tidy up a little. False. Spring cleaning is when you want to throw everything you own out & start over. Alternately you are compelled to fantasize about gigantic household projects. For example, you decide that every room in the house must be painted. I don't care if you just painted last week, you still want to paint everything. You may also find yourself saying things like 'It's time to start on that 10,000 sq ft addition I've been thinking about.' Be warned, your motivation for these projects will wane quickly, so be careful what you start and for godsake avoid the Home Depot at all costs!

If you have any or all of these symptoms you are most likely suffering from spring fever. I recommend you enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts!!