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Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 2

5/15/2006

The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 2

Lies.... I am with the above image on this one: Every silver lining has a cloud. I've never been much of a glass half full kind of girl anyway, but I thought I had found something that shouldn't have much of a downside: Weight Loss.

Getting skinny has a downfall? Oh yes my friends, you have no idea until you get to go through this lovely experience. I am going to share all the things those before & after bastards fail to mention.

My life as a California Raisin:
I remember the first time the penis pump was explained to me from the male perspective. Basically I was told 'You know if you wash a sweater & hang dry it on a hanger it gets all out of shape? There isn't any more sweater there than there was before, it's just all stretched out & distorted so it seems like there is more. Same thing with the penis pump'.
Guess what? The same fucking thing happens when you lose weight! I have enough skin to cover my weight about 50 lbs ago, except I don't need it anymore. If you think that shit just bounces back overnight you are sorely mistaken. I've read shit, talked to people, etc and no one can agree on what my skin will do. Some say I will need plastic surgery to fix it, others say wait a year or two and it will be fine. Fab. So either I win the lotto so I have the expendable income for cosmetic surgery or I spend the next two years waiting to see how much of my deflated ass bounces back.
Do I want the 50 lbs back? No.
Are my clothes smaller & sexier? Yes.
Do I feel better about myself? Maybe...
As long as I'm not butt naked everything passes for okay. However, when naked I look like the aforementioned stretched out sweater. I look like what I am, a deflated fat girl. Now, why on earth do I do a million crunches only to discover I look worse naked than I did before? Losing 50 lbs sounds great on paper, but I'd have thought twice about it if someone had shown me the 'After' picture:

Yep, I have spent the last 6 months working my ass off to end up with body of a dead grape. Fuck, I'm so thrilled.

Crotchless Pants:
Another fun side effect of weight loss is going to buy new clothes. Again, as a woman this should be some sort of fantasy - 'Let me get this straight, everything looks good on me & I constantly need a smaller size than the one I grab? Kick fucking ass'.
Or not.
You may end up like me. I have plateaued in between two sizes. If I go to the larger size, everything sort of fits, but it's baggy. I end up with this sort of corporate raver look that I may have loved 10 years ago, but not so much anymore. I also end up with the top of my pants sticking out. Not because I fill the pants out but because they sit out further than my stomach actually is. I believe this is why people have belts. I've been a fat girl my whole life & do not understand things like belts. Belts are for skinny girls who actually where shirts that allow you to see the top of their pants. Since my belly is still not worth showing anyone I feel no need to own a belt. Thus I'm left with lumpy crotch & pants that hang so loose that I chronically forget to zip them. Since it doesn't seem to improve the fit by zipping them, lately I've just been forgetting the whole step. Probably not a good idea considering I usually go commando.
The other alternative is to choose the smaller size. These clothes look better on me & fit really well if they are more expensive. However since I hope to lose 15 - 20 more pounds at least I don't want to spend too much money on clothes just yet. So I went to Kohls this weekend to find some pants in the price/quality range of greater than Walmart, less than a department store. You know what I found out? If I grab the size 12 it fits everywhere, except for one place....the crotch. Now I'm not sure what happens between the 12 & the 14 in misses exactly, but I know that if I want to wear the 12 which looks nice I have to spend my days with fabric wedged so far up I worry my pants are scraping my cervix. As comfy as living in camel toe hell all day sounds I think it would make me cranky after awhile.
In order to resolve this problem I'm thinking about just buying crotchless pants & hope no one notices.

I am not unhappy about my weight loss. I just feel like I wasn't given the whole story. I mean clothes hide a lot, part of the idea behind this was I was going to look better naked. At the very least I did not expect to look WORSE. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before climbing into the shower & I have to stop myself from shrieking out loud in terror.
So beware of cheesy cliches, because regardless of what they say the opposite is also true. If the glass is half full, the other half must be empty. If every cloud has a silver lining, then every silver lining has a cloud. Free lunch be damned.

2 Comments:

Hey-I can relate! Being a skinny girl with prune tummy from 2 kids.
Don't worry, your skin will get it together. (I didn't exercise- that was my problem)

Glad you're writing again.

By the way, you should definitely go to law school! Be a waste of a great mind not to. Been meaning to say that for a long time.

So where's the update picture?

1:14 AM  

Nice blog. I will keep reading. Please take the time to visit my blog about loss weight program

11:12 PM  

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