Ok, So Even I Go Girl Once In Awhile

I confess. There are a few things that turn me into one of those starry eyed, looking for the knight in shining armor, giddy girl types. Much like the final scene in Dirty Dancing will for all time be able to instantly entrance me, so does figure skating. Yep, skinny girls in tacky costumes spinning in circles really does it for me.

When I was a kid I actually took ice skating lessons for awhile. However, the rink I went to was closing, so in order for me to continue my parents would have to shell out more cash for lessons. At the time I had also started horseback riding lessons. So, I was given a choice: Ponies or frozen water. Lucky for me I went with horses. At 4 or 5 years old you really don't have any clue what kind of body you are going to end up with. I have a body much more suited to going 3 rounds with a 2000 lb horse. My big feet, big ass, tall German Gypsy frame with big tits? Yeah, not really cut out for the delicate sport of figure skating.

Despite my own shortcomings as a potential figure skater I still watch skating with great amazement. All that spinning, jumping & what not. It all looks so beautiful. Well, all of it except ice dancing. Much like curling, I don't really get ice dancing. As far as I can tell it's pairs skating for people who can't jump. Last night the one thing I find remotely interesting about the Winter Olympics was finally on: The ladies short program.

First Place: Sasha Cohen

Sasha seems to have come a long way since 2002. The last time around I was on the Sarah Hughes bandwagon. I honestly thought she was the best. Plus I am a sucker for the underdog. However, whatever 'it' is that I thought was missing from Sasha's skating four years ago is there now. She skated great & demonstrated more showmanship than most of the other skaters combined. Of course now the question is can she hold it together through the long program?

Second Place: Irina Slutskaya

Technically she is a great skater. However, she just screams butch to me. Not necessarily lesbian butch, but certainly not what I think of when I think of figure skaters. Add in her pants suit getup? Ugh. Wasn't the men's skating last week?

The Other Americans: Kimmie Meissner & Emily Hughes

I loved Kimmie's short program. At barely 16 she lacks some of the polish of the older skaters, but give her a few years though & I think she will rise up. As for Emily, I thought she skated nicely. However, I couldn't shake the 'Your sister is better' feeling I got watching her. I will say I'm glad she made the team over Michelle Kwan. At some point you have to cut your losses & run. Kwan's pathetic quest for a gold medal has just gotten old. She has become so desperate to win the gold that it has started to negate her other accomplishments. I can't recall any of her performances off the top of my head, but her begging to go to the Olympics & making the team even with an injury? Now that sticks in my mind. Get over yourself already.

One final thought on the short program: Outfits.
Who the hell dressed these girls? Most of them look like Bob Mackie threw up on them. The chronic use of neon colors was very unnerving. I thought neon died with the eighties. What next? Fanny packs become all the rage again? On top of that there seemed to be an all or nothing mentality. Either the skaters were in outfits so skimpy I thought 'Netting or not, Why bother?' or they were covered from head to toe like some skating Eskimo. Can you say middle ground?

The Best: Fumie Suguri

I loved her costume. I also thought she skated far better than her counterpart Shizuka Arakawa who end up just ahead of Fumie in third place. I'm also positive that Arakawa has quite possibly the flattest chest I have ever seen on a woman. I am talking concave boobs.

The Worst: Sokolova & LiashenkoWork that tacky neon girls!

The Worst, Part 2: Gimazetdinova & AndoNaked vs. Nanook of the North

KP will return to her regularly scheduled sarcasm shortly...

Under Stupidity In The Dictionary....

You will find a picture of people dying over a fucking cartoon! I can relate to having strong convictions, but holy shit people this is a little beyond that. I mean how unexciting is one's life that they are willing to give it up over a cartoon? I'm unemployed, broke and take pills to keep myself just this side of suicide and you know what? No way in fucking hell am I giving all that up over a drawing!

I was sent this article by my mom. I'll admit it is much funnier if you are from Wisconsin or Texas or have some knowledge of football. However, the satire is brilliant. Enjoy!

Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny’s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.

The spark igniting the latest tailgate hibachi of unrest: a Texas newsletter's publication of caricatures of legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94, briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily "boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment Molly Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity -- said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden, repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10 apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles, easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment, looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan -- made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography allowed is allegorical, in throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction,” he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT Technologies dismissed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and "please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

Picking up the Pieces

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those cartoons of Mike Ditka."

I Got A Spanking

So, I got my review over at Talk2much. Considering how rough they are on people I think I will take my 4 out of 5 stars and run.
I will say some of the people who comment over there are a tad insane. I've never had anyone give me shit over my link color before. Who knew? I kind of thought blogs were about content. Apparently that is just crazy talk and in fact the most critical thing about one's blog is in fact the template.

Anyway, go read the review - I even get called smart, which being me I loved.
I'd dodge the comments as it gets a little pathetic. I'm actually avoiding whatever responses my last comment received. I hate drama. Especially from unintelligent people who lack a point.

Re-Rant On Reality

Some time ago I wrote a post on the horrifying programming choices being made by cable networks. As far as I'm concerned reality TV should be approached the same way I approach the red states: I can tolerate their existence as long as it doesn't fuck up my day. Well, since my original rant things have gone from bad to worse. I'd actually consider getting rid of cable all together, except the network channels are just as bad if not worse. I am sorry that I watch TV and possess an IQ higher than that of a german shepherd.

A&E and Court TV were at one time the first channels I'd check for some worthwhile evening programming. Now I can pretty much avoid these channels entirely since their programming is roughly the same shit every night.

A typical primetime evening on A&E involves a minimum of 2 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter followed by at least 2 episodes of another reality show (usually Inked or Criss Angel, Mindfreak) and then some sort of hour long show such as Rollergirls or Intervention.

A typical evening on Court TV is not much better. There is some sort of 2 Cops episodes minimum rule they adhere to each night. Then there is the dreaded RED programs (see below for more on this fiasco). For approximately one hour you may on occasion get something watchable like Forensic Files or Body of Evidence. However, you will quickly pay for that hour of good tv because it is usually followed by Parco PI, Hollywood Heat (which so far as I can tell has nothing to do with crime) or some other equally dreadful show.

So I feel compelled to add some more irritations to the previous list I made concerning my utter disappointment with my formerly favorite cable channels (don't the people at these networks realize I pay for cable so I don't have to watch shitty reality TV 24/7?).

1) How many Swat teams does it take to change a lightbulb?
For quite some time I was confused about the new swat shows that have popped up. I couldn't help but notice that A&E and Court TV were advertising what appeared to be the same show, Dallas Swat. The networks aren't owned by the same company, so what the hell is going on? Then it clicked: THERE ARE TWO SEPARATE SWAT SHOWS.
What the fuck is that all about? Is it absolutely necessary that both Dallas Swat AND Texas Swat exist? Is there just so much swatting going on in the poster child for red states that we need two shows on two channels about the same fucking thing? Besides if they were going to invade Texas with video cameras to film shit, why not go with something much edgier & more appropriate for Texas? I'm thinking Texas Execution: Every week a new episode where we watch them flip the switch or inject the latest death row inmate for the amusement of the masses.

2) Marketing 101:
Am I the only one who remembers when Court TV's tag line was 'The Investigation Channel'? As in 'we put on shows that involve investigating crime'. My beloved investigation channel has now deemed itself Court TV: Seriously Entertaining. If I wanted to be 'seriously entertained' I'd drop acid & watch the screen saver on my fucking computer for 12 hours dammit!
Court TV's other new strategy is RED. Red stands for real, exciting & dramatic. Red is the weeknight corruption of Court TV from 7pm - 8pm central time. Do you know what they consider real, exciting & dramatic? The short answer is crap. Red involves such hot button shows as:
- Beach Patrol: Yep these bike cops live on the edge as they pedal through sand & surf to halt crime. Does anyone remember Pacific Blue? That piece of crap USA show from the late nineties? The one that kept Mario Lopez employed in between Saved by the bell & his lucrative game show host career. Well, trust me, it was better than this show.
- Hot Pursuit: Why do we need an entire hour devoted to car chases filmed with the equivalent of a webcam?
- Texas Swat: I've covered this one enough, more so than it even deserves.
- Las Vegas Law: Meet Parco PI junior. Much like Parco is a overly typical New Yorker, Bucky Buchanan is an overly typical sleazy Vegas lawyer type. Apparently if you get drunk or married or misplace your clothes while on vacation in Vegas Bucky is your man. He comes complete with the sleazy pimpmobile convertible (personalized plates & all) and a closet full of bad polyester suits.
I really think Court also needs to reconsider all the alliteration they are using in show titles too. Parco PI, Las Vegas Law, Bucky Buchanan - I realize somewhere there is a bunch of suits sitting around marveling at their own cleverness, but trust me when I say the rest of us don't find you people nearly as witty.

3) Rollergirls:
Roller derby complete with an accompanying musical tour (I have yet to figure out the connection between the two concepts). Again the film crews packed off to Texas for this abysmal excuse for a television show. Basically the show follows these terrifyingly butch women with clever derby names like Venus Envy & Punky Bruiser as they bitch about each other, get into cat fights, sleep with each other's boyfriends & make costumes all in the name of rollerskating. My irritation with Rollergirls started before the show even aired. Instead, the promo commercials for the show were more than enough to set me off. One of them actually had a scene wherein a nun was spanking the roller girls with a ruler in front of a chalkboard. Call me crazy but doesn't that seem more soft core than one usually expects out of A&E? I just can't even begin to put into words how much this show annoys me. It is probably second only to Dog the bounty hunter in it's stupidity.

Speaking of my favorite bunny hunter....Dog is the highest rated show on A&E averaging 1.6 million viewers per episode. As for Mr. Chapman? He is pulling in a sweet 100k per half hour episode. I went to college & I can't even find a job, but a high school drop out, convicted murderer, armed robber, white trash hick in need of a haircut can make $100,000 for 30 minutes on tv. Grr. There really is no justice in the world sometimes.

However, I should point out that right behind Dog is Cold Case Files (1.5m viewers). Doesn't that say something? Like possibly that there are a lot of us who still enjoy honest to goodness documentary tv about real people who aren't so unrealistic that the show needs to be called 'reality tv' for people to realize it is not actually some sort of sick joke. If these shows were even remotely legit they would in fact be called documentaries, as in a tv show or film that is non-fiction. Since these shows are not legitimately representative of reality they have their own little entry at Wikipedia.

Reality TV:
"a genre of television programming which presents unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, documents actual (if sometimes contrived) events, and features "ordinary" people over professional actors. Although the genre has existed in some form or another since the early years of television, the current explosion of popularity dates from circa 2000. Critics of the genre have claimed that the term is a misnomer and that what such shows portray is far removed from actual reality, with participants put in exotic locations and/or abnormal situations, participants sometimes coached to act in certain ways by off-screen handlers, and events on screen manipulated through editing and other post-production techniques."

Not quite the same as 'documentary' is it? (As a scary side note the wikipedia entry also informed me that reality shows currently account for about 56% of all American TV shows! Just shoot me).

I remember I started watching A&E when they used to show Evening at the improv. The improv had standup comedy that was the antithesis of comedy ala SNL. It was smart & interesting, but still made you laugh. It was ACTUAL entertainment. I continued to watch the channel for the documentaries on everything from crime to ancient Egypt. I'd revel in the Law & Order marathons or my Sunday morning ritual of watching Mysteries of the Bible. Those days are long gone as I now find myself terrified to put on A&E for fear that there is going to be a roller derby, a mindfreak or god forbid... a bounty hunter on.

To add irony to insult I have found myself watching a lot of (if only I were kidding) Spike TV. Yep, as in Spike TV formerly the first network for men. What started out as the anti-Lifetime network (ie - tv for women) actually has some good shit on. Gone is the wrestling, instead there is a plethora of CSI (the original) episodes to be watched as well as really good movies such as The Shawshank Redemption & The Firm.

Though my viewing habits may seem a tad stuffy I don't think I am the only one who feels this way. I'd rather watch a Caligula biography or a good Forensic Files over Fear Factor and Survivor any day. I also don't think canceling Growing Up Gotti & Airline, but renewing Dog the Bunny Hunter and Criss Angel, Mindfreak is a step in the right direction.
Hopefully, the networks will take a hint. Not everyone wants what is trendy or hot this month. Some of us still prefer quality over quantity.

Word Of The Day

I have my Google homepage setup so that it spews forth a word of the day. Today's word seemed strangely appropriate...

Disparate, adjective:
1. Fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind.
2. Composed of or including markedly dissimilar elements.

That is me.