Quarter Lifer

Quarter Lifer: December 2005


The Jew Christmas Whoring Of 2005

Yeah, that card about sums it up. Actually I think nice straightforward beating would have been an improvement over my holiday weekend. However, I think I could easily be nominated for some sort of Guinness record for most screwed up Christmas ever.
If only I were making this up....

Christmas Eve:
It started normal enough. My usual holiday Jeckyl & Hyde mood swings were in full effect. I was wrapping last minute presents & watching football. I got a call from Mr. Robinson. We chatted for awhile & he mentioned that he had Monday off and asked me to come out to NY on Sunday. I promptly explained to him that since I wasn't Jewish I actually had some place to be on Sunday with my family. My mother then gets a call from my aunt who announces my dad will not be attending Christmas on Sunday. Christmas Day in my family might as well be called 'The day of the year I see my father'. So to find out he was not coming was a little shocking. My mom, strange romantic that she is, proceeds to explain my invitation to go to NY. For whatever reason my crazy catholic aunt thinks that instead of Christmas at her house I should most certainly go to NY.
Now what do I do? Talk about not having any experience to draw from...
I consulted the best friend who again said NO about 50 million times. I decided to tell MR that my plans had changed & I might be able to make it on Sunday after all, but decided to refrain from committing to anything until after I did the Christmas Eve thing with mom's side of the family.
I think the highlight of the evening would half to be when I learned that grandpa & his "lover" (who was in attendance wheelchair and all) had given up trying to have sex. Whew! Oh but wait, instead they hang out at the nursing home watching dirty movies! Great, now I get to picture grandpa watching porn. Sigh.
I put in my required four hours of attendance & took off with the family's yay vote to go to NY in hand.
I got home, called Mr Robinson & told him to book the ticket. I did so mainly to get it over with it. You can get along great with someone online, but it means nothing until you meet in person.
My ticket was booked at about 12:30 am for a 7:00 am flight. Between packing, my nerves & the early flight I got all of 2.5 hrs of sleep. This should have been a sign.

Getting There:
I arrive at the airport a little late, but since I didn't have any bags to check I wasn't too worried as I went to check in. As my ticket prints out from the little kiosk I see the kiss of death: SSSS. For those of you who don't travel this is airline code for 'You are a fucking terrorist bastard who needs to be strip searched before getting on the plane'. They claim it is random who gets selected for the super security check, but as I told the security folks at the Denver airport, RANDOM MY ASS! (Not that I recommend announcing such things to airport security personnel). Honestly though I'm plagued with the dreaded super security tag about 95% of the time. I do back flips when I get to go through the normal people line. Seriously.

I eventually get to my plane (down one cigarette lighter) & board. When I get on the plane the first thing the flight attendant (who was a dead ringer for Karen on Will & Grace) announces is that we have no ground power supply for the plane. What this means is there will be no heat on the plane until they turn the engine on. Once in the air the captain announces a smooth flight lasting about an hour and forty minutes.
All of those things turn out to be lies.
Lie#1: The Temprature Will Be Fine By The Time We Take Off
Gee, it is Wisconsin in December who would want something like heat on their plane? I had not previously known about the whole ground power thing before this Sunday. I do now & damn if it isn't important. I in fact would not regain feeling in my extremities until halfway through the flight.
Lie #2: Smooth Flight My Ass
No sooner do I tempt fate and ask for coffee then we immediately hit turbulence. By the way do you have any idea how much intestinal fortitude one has to have to order airplane coffee in the first place? Anyway, it wasn't awful turbulence, but certainly bumpy enough to test my ability to control a cup of coffee.
Lie#3: One Hour & Forty Minute Flight
I managed to fall asleep on the plane simply from exhaustion. When I wake up it is about 10 am eastern. I mistakenly think perfect, we will be landing any minute. Then the captain comes on the speaker. We are not landing, we are in fact in a holding pattern because there is about 2000 feet of visibility at LaGuardia. Then to comfort us, apparently, he says that if we can't land before we run out of gas the plane will be diverted. Ok, so let me get this straight: We can't land & we are 20 minutes from being out of gas at 30,000 feet? Wonderful.

We did in fact end up being diverted to Allentown, Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Christmas day plans I had in mind. While sitting on the ghost town like tarmac of Allentown waiting for the airport people to figure out how much money they wanted for being nice enough to let us not die a fiery death it occurred to me hanging out with the catholics suddenly didn't sound so bad. At least since we were on the ground I could use my cell phone. So I called Mr Robinson & explained my situation, he was less than thrilled. So, there I was with an undetermined amount of free time & had forgotten my MP3 player and/or a book. I resorted to scribbling notes down for this post on the stupid business reply cards I'd found in the Skymall magazine for entertainment. The whole time I had Billy Joel's Allentown going through my head. I don't even like that song in the first place, but apparently my brain found it appropriate to play since that is the only thing I know about Allentown PA. I will say that my Billy Joel moments were not nearly as disturbing as listening to the white boy teenager behind me attempting to compose a rap about Allentown.
Every so often there was an announcement about our status. The first one was basically 'We don't have a clue what is happening'.
The second one was about the temperature. Remember the ground power we didn't have in Milwaukee? We had one in Allentown. So instead of freezing to death they managed to keep the plane at a temperature equivalent to the temperature in the 7th circle of Dante's inferno. I made some feeble attempts to bond with my plane mates, but mostly just thought about smoking a cigarette & flipping through the Skymall looking for the strangest item. I decided it was most definitely the light up slippers:
The next announcement was about our lack of priority. LaGuardia had lifted it's ground stop & planes could now land, however since we were on the ground we were considered low priority. What the fuck? Ever been to Allentown's airport? You'd think twice about leaving anyone stranded there I promise.
Then there was the flight attendant's announcement about singing Christmas carols for dollars. Great, now I'm stuck on Karaoke Air.
Finally, after over an hour of bullshit, the announcement came that we were taking off for our whopping 25 minute flight into NY.

Wholly Crap! Terra Firma!
After landing at LaGuardia I realized that being diverted wasn't the worst thing to have happen. Far worse was to be the people who hadn't gotten on a plane yet. The terminal I had landed at more closely resembled a concentration camp as opposed to an airport. I carefully picked my way through the corpses & the screaming babies grateful to be moments away from FINALLY getting a cigarette. I nearly jumped over the counter of a news stand for some matches & rushed outside. Apparently I looked so fried that random people were walking up to me announcing how much I looked like I needed a cigarette. I then got a cab to Manhattan. I really hate cabbies I can't even remotely understand. This particular one was Jamaican. Halfway through the trip to Mr Robinson's apartment there is a toll bridge. The cabbie keeps asking me if I want him to use his zipper. Excuse me? Convinced something really fucked up is going on I have him repeat the phrase several more times. Eventually I discern that he is in fact not asking me to do anything with his pants, but is asking if I want him to use his EZ pass. Fucking New York.

Moment (or hours as it were) Of Truth:
I will admit my initial reaction to Mr. Robinson was something along the lines of "Oh my god, he looks like a cancer patient". His hair was grayer & there was quite a bit less of it than I had surmised from his photos. However, he didn't slam the door in my face & I didn't run screaming so it was a start.
I was a tad stunned at his enthusiasm though. Clearly we were going to have sex. I didn't realize he would try to jump me upon arrival. I was 3 hours late getting there, had gotten no sleep, looked awful even by my own standards & had just entered a strange NY apartment belonging to a man who may or may not intend to chop me into little pieces. Anyone else wondering why maybe my libido wasn't firing on all cylinders? I get him to chill out & mention I could use some food. The bags of mini pretzels & half frozen granola bars I had gotten on the plane were not exactly life sustaining at that point. We ended up walking down to a small diner and getting some food which went a long way in calming my nerves.
We got back to the apartment & there was about 2 hours until the Packer game. So, Mr. Robinson, the pure hormone that he is, decided that now I had definitely been on the ground long enough to have sex. I was more game for it at that point. It actually wasn't bad sex considering I was still a little disoriented & overwhelmed by the situation. It also wasn't bad considering this was the oldest cock I had ever been near. Also, at 40 he has a better body then I've ever had. It was a little depressing.
After the sex he seemed much more capable of being a normal human being which was comforting. We watched the Packer game. As usual my team was sucking ass so MR decides he is going to show me how to play bridge. This actually ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. We talked, he was explaining the game while he played, then let me play for awhile. It's kind of addictive in the same way Sudoku is.
We then ordered some Thai food. If there is one perk to being in a big city it has to be the food. No way in hell could I have had Thai delivered on Christmas day in Wisconsin. The food was awesome too. The plan was then to go see Syriana, but we ended up watching the Vikings game & falling asleep. Well, sleep is a relative term. I figured after we went to bed I'd have no trouble sleeping. I was over my fear that he was going to chop me into a million pieces so no problem right? Wrong. Old New York apartments have steam heat. I had never experienced steam heat before. Basically the deal is every 5 fucking minutes the heat kicks in and it sounds like someone is releasing air from a valve. I don't know how the hell one gets use to this obnoxious sound.
When we got up Monday morning it was basically time for coffee, a recap & then I had to go catch my plane. So there I was sucking down fairly decent coffee, lighting my cigarettes on the stove since my matches were all gone & discussing the experience with MR.
The verdict was pretty neutral. He thought I was too fat (he did say it nicer than that) & was upset that I hadn't taken 3 showers since I'd been there (less than 24 hours mind you) the way he had. I have good hygiene, but am a little weirded out taking showers in other people's places. Call me crazy but I think he was way overly upset by the shower thing. Then he has the nerve to say he wanted to fuck me again, but since I didn't take enough showers he didn't. What the hell is that?
I found him a little too neurotic & the hairline was just way rougher than I expected. When we were having sex all I kept thinking was 'Wow, you are so like a dirty old man', even though the sex itself was good. No wonder guys like fucking younger girls. I mean body aside, at least I have a face worth looking at in the throes of passion.

Homeward Bound:
By 9:40 am I kissed him goodbye & was safely in a cab back to LaGuardia. The plane was about 10 minutes late getting there. When we finally boarded I realized something very important: DO NOT FLY THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! Ok, you can fly, but I don't recommend it unless you either love demon children or are extremely masochistic. First I got stuck with a window seat. I hate window seats. I like watching the take off & landing, but I always feel cramped by the window. Then the row behind me, my row & the row in front of me all fill up with the same set of passengers: 2 parents (What happened to the good ol' days when everyone was divorced?), a toddler & a fucking baby. I just sat there squished against my window thinking about the suffering to come from the screaming babies & antsy toddlers surrounding me. Couldn't I have just gotten a nice terrorist looking guy instead? At least then I could have slept on the flight. Then of all the dads on the plane I get the tallest one & of course he is a total Madison hippie. Just trust me on this one. If you are from Wisconsin you can spot a granola munching, bike loving, shower hating Madison hippie at a mile. Before we even took off he had whipped out homemade trail mix for the kids.
Another thing about parents...Why are they always armed with crackers? Within five minutes of take off all I could smell was that distinct odor of children eating crackers. It was a lot like being gang raped by 20 men who had just downed a bag of fritos each. I hate the smell of crackers and frito breath for that matter.

Home Sweet Home?
I was glad to be home in one piece. I was even glad that I made the trip out there. Though not a resounding success at least now I knew what to think of the situation. What I wasn't thrilled about was explaining any of the events to my people back home. Mom got the short & sweet version and that seemed to quell her interest. It was probably apparent that it hadn't been awful, but it hadn't been amazing either.
I went out there with realistic expectations so I wasn't overly upset or disappointed. Well, I wasn't until I talked to the best friend. Her take on the situation was that he had basically flown me out there for sex, could have cared less about me as a person & he might as well have left a $50 on the nightstand. I can understand that to a point, but it didn't feel quite that cheap to me at the time. Alternately I'm so use to being treated that way it doesn't even faze me anymore. Something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. I'm clearly the ugly brown clearance pile sweater of dates. I'm just grateful for getting a second look.
Plus, sometimes it's just nice to have a warm body. Someone to make you feel a little less lonely even if it's only for a short while.

So that was my Christmas '05. I think I'm going to go put Fuck & Run by Liz Phair on repeat...
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Oops, I Have A Sex Blog

So, my little ol' blog has been nominated for a Best of Blog award thanks to Bonanza. There is a catch though...I've been nominated as a sex blog! The ironic thing is I actually have an adult blog that was going to be where I dumped all my adventures & exploits, but it hasn't really turned out that way. Plus, I know a lot of my visitors here wait on the edge of their seats for my next disasterous sexcapade.
I guess since my blog is only about 5 months old I didn't really expect to get a nomination. That seems like something for the cool, popular blogs. However, I think I'm going to revel in my 15 minutes (or 30 seconds) of fame and recap the sex posts in one place. Hope you all enjoy them as much as BJ does!
My Best (or worst...depending on your viewpoint) Stories:
- Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather
- Mom & Leather Part 2: Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me
- Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra
- Sex & The Single Girl
- ...And Then He Juggled
- The Intern

Some dirty rants:
- Are Men This Insecure or Am I Just A Bad Lay?
- Bite Me
- But I Don't Want God In My Threesome!
- Abstinence Redefined

Random & amusing:
- Iron Hymen
- Divine Intervention

Now that I have listed the posts out (and I skipped some) it has become clear why I am a sex blog nominee and I'm totally ok with that.
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Down With Dover!

I never broke down & wrote an Intelligent Design post. The whole thing angers me so much I was pretty sure my head would explode if I tried to put my thoughts down on paper, or on monitor as it were. I also try to dodge any topic bloggers have beaten to death. If there are 8 million posts on something already the odds of me adding anything new are slim to none. That being said I am ecstatic to hear about the federal court ruling against ID in the Dover Public School district.
I'd love to bitch & moan about the stupidity of the ID supporters at large. Instead I offer up an article that pretty much sums up the best reason I can think of to keep religion out of schools: Religion will be the downfall of modern society. So if you are all for abortions, STDs & higher murder rates go ahead and keep shoving your god down my throat. But when everything goes to hell in a handbasket just remember those of us who warned you that the handbasket didn't exist in the first place.

Societies Worse Off When They Have God On Their Side

RELIGIOUS belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

It compares the social performance of relatively secular countries, such as Britain, with the US, where the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many conservative evangelicals in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and amorality.

Many liberal Christians and believers of other faiths hold that religious belief is socially beneficial, believing that it helps to lower rates of violent crime, murder, suicide, sexual promiscuity and abortion. The benefits of religious belief to a society have been described as its “spiritual capital”. But the study claims that the devotion of many in the US may actually contribute to its ills.

The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Society, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Gregory Paul, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions.

He compared social indicators such as murder rates, abortion, suicide and teenage pregnancy.

The study concluded that the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional. Mr Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “ uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr Paul said: “The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

Mr Paul delayed releasing the study until now because of Hurricane Katrina. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion might actually contribute to social ills. “I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” he added.

He said that most Western nations would become more religious only if the theory of evolution could be overturned and the existence of God scientifically proven. Likewise, the theory of evolution would not enjoy majority support in the US unless there was a marked decline in religious belief, Mr Paul said.

“The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator.

“The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore refuted.”

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Sunday Is A Good Day To Be Pointless

It's true. Only on Sunday does doing nothing seem overly appropriate. So, my post today (partially inspired by I Talk Too Much's weblog awards) is devoted to two blogs I find incredibly pointless. Normally I don't dis other blogs. It's kind of low even for me. Not to mention I may alienate a potential reader. I mean just because I think these people are crazy doesn't mean they couldn't love my amazing blog right?

*No links to these sites will be provided in an attempt to save you the suffering I have gone through. However, if you are a masochist both can be found through Blog Explosion.

Loser #1: Humpty Lumpty
The gist of this blog is that a woman pumped out 4 kids and is now having plastic surgery to repair the 'damage' they have caused her body. As someone who is constantly struggling with weight I can not feel this woman's pain in the least. From what I can gather she is about 5'4" & 119lbs. The way her posts read you'd think she weighed 300lbs.
I am 5'7" and look decent for my 201lbs. I have weighed more & on occasion less. Either way it is something that I have had to deal with my whole life & it is not easy. Therefore I can NOT sympathize with this whiny self obsessed bitch. If her body was so important then why put it through four fucking pregnancies??
The post line that put me over the edge: Soon I will be able to have sex with my husband without being embarrassed about being on top.
So basically what you are saying is that your husband is as shallow as you are & you clearly aren't comfortable in your own body. I don't think surgery will fix either of those things sweetie.

Loser #2: 3 Is The Charm
First off I just have to note that the proper use of the cliche is to say "The third time is the charm'. If you are lame enough to name your blog with a cliche at least respect yourself enough to use the cliche properly. Otherwise you just look like an idiot.
On to the content...Apparently the only way this guy could stay married was to get jesus in on the action. He is on his 3rd marriage and is wholly convinced this one is working because he let the lord in on the action.
There was an article in Rolling Stone this summer about virginity. Reading the article so infuriated me that it became the catalyst for this blog (Go back & read it, it's a funny post). I have huge problems with the idea of making all sexual relationships threesomes with god! That is just retarded.
Awhile back I ended up on the date from hell with an Irish Catholic (he was even originally from Boston). In between his stories about beating up people in a noble way he informed me that before he has sex with a girl he always takes off his crucifix. Apparently even he knew that god is not needed for people to have orgasms.
Just so we are all clear on how not to irritate me: Use cliches properly. Only refer to sex & god at the same time if it is in the context of "She couldn't stop screaming 'Oh God!' last night".
The post line that put me over the edge: The gay ass banner on the top that announces "As for me & my blog will serve the lord".
Whatever, all blogs are for the most part self-indulgent. Even mine. There is nothing in the bible about blogs so ditch the lame ass banner.

The Runners Up:
*Mommy blogs: You know who you are. I don't care that your offspring took a shit today.
*Haiku Blogs: What is up with these? You can count syllables & this means you need a blog? I really hate haikus. Poetry for the lame & unartistic.
*Blogs that make noise without me asking them to: I block audio blogs for a reason. I hate surfing blogs only to get stuck with some fucking Celine Dion song blaring at me, an audio clip of the blogger themselves (What? Are you too lazy to type? Spell check down? Please), music videos, any sort of talking audio widget that you have decided your blog could not survive without or (as happened to me today) a Dubya speech that no matter what I did could not be shut the fuck up.
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Are Men This Insecure or Am I Just A Bad Lay?

I recently discovered this column over at Wired called Sex Drive. It has to be one of the most interesting things to read. Regina Lynn likes to talk about sex toys, Christians who make sex machines, pretty much any sex gadget she comes across makes it here. Being the libidinous creature that I am I love reading her articles.
Check out:
*The Sex Machines Next Door: Sex machines as a divorce cure for Christians?
*Teledildonics: A vibe controlled by other people on the 'net. The best part is the link to Sinulator. At Sinulator there is a demo that involves what looks like a driving game console, only there is a rabbit vibe stuck in the middle of it for you to 'drive'. God bless the Internet.
*Happy Kitty, Not Hello Kitty: This thing seems brilliant to me. I can't describe it, just read the article. Of course right now you can only buy it on Ebay & it has a hefty $150 price tag. Maybe when I get a job....

Now today's column actually upset me a little. It's titled 'Who's getting stiffed here?'. Not suprisingly it is about sex toys. More specifically though that a lot of men are upset by them. Who knew? Apparently not me. I was shocked to read the following:

"Men have confessed their discomfort with sexual accoutrements to me before. They see them as competition, or as a criticism of their lovemaking technique. They look at the ridiculously huge dildos and wonder whether they'll measure up."

First off, just so you guys out there know...It can be TOO big! Size alone is not going to get you off the hook on technique. It's like having a stick shift sport's car. It can look all hot & pretty, but if you can't operate the fucking thing what good is it?
Also, men are not suppose to 'measure up' to toys. If that were the case women wouldn't deal with men ever because they'd be a chronic disappointment. I mean it isn't like I've ever looked at a guy & told him he could never please me because his dick isn't hot pink with rotating beads inside. Oh, I have one vibrator that has strobe lights in it & just like the package told me it is a NOVELTY item. There is no way in hell I'd be comfortable with a man whose dick had a built in strobe light feature. Please.
Toys are suppose to be for fun & add some diversity to one's sex life. Even if you memorize the Kama Sutra front to back there are still only so many ways you shove A into B.

"It seems to me that introducing an artificial aid into lovemaking ... can definitely provide a great increase in physical pleasure," Drew (not his real name) writes. "(But it) does so at the expense of emotional pleasure, for both partners."

"When I am giving my wife pleasure, it is me, my skill, my knowledge of her body and feelings," Drew writes. "With a toy it is a piece of plastic, and I might as well not be there. How can I express my commitment with a toy?"

Guys...Is this even remotely accurate? I've never had men balk at the concept of an accoutrement or two. Doesn't everyone try bondage at least once? Are the guys I've been with just not saying anything? Do I just sleep with very liberal men? How on earth does a vibrator remove the intimacy between partners?
What am I missing?!?!?

I'd really like to think this is just one guy's opinion. Otherwise I have a lot of shit I won't be needing anymore. Not to mention I'm going to have to seriously rethink what constitutes interesting sex.
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Did Everyone Just Skip Jew Day In History Class?

I am having a huge 'What the hell is wrong with people?' kind of day. For whatever reason my anger is directed at the stupidity of people when it comes to the Jews.
I happen to be a history buff of sorts. I love ancient, WW2 & middle eastern history the most. I took way too many history classes in college & spent an obscene amount of time in the Hebrew studies department...and no I'm not Jewish. Actually the short version of my heritage makes me a German Gypsy. So basically during the Holocaust I would have had to persecute myself.

Speaking of the Holocaust, in case anyone missed the memo (I know for sure it didn't make it to Iran)...IT DID FUCKING HAPPEN! I'm German, I know how anal we are. I'm pretty sure the records about those 6 million dead Jews were pretty fucking accurate. I think the only thing that would have made them more accurate was if the Nazi's had been able to use excel.

Ironically I do feel bad for the Palestinians as well. Personally, I blame the British but that only makes sense if you've read as much crap on the politics of the time as I have. Regardless, that doesn't negate the fact that the Jews got the short stick when it comes to the whole genocide thing.

Why the sudden bug up my ass about Jews? Aside from pre-existing obsession with the Holocaust there is the fact that I'm romantically interested in a Jew for the first time. However, I'm not the type to get on a high horse just because I have a thing for a Jew. The main reason is the fiasco in Iran. Some articles I've come across recently that drove me batty:

*Iran Leader: Move Israel To Europe - The article actually includes the subtitle 'Ahmadinejad casts doubt on Holocaust'. First off, there is no doubt. If you have any doubts about the occurrence of the Holocaust please get the fuck off my planet. Secondly, I'm going to have to go ahead & say that it is a little late to change where Israel is. Now, maybe in 1945 when the whole thing was just getting started I could see this. For all intensive purposes I don't think it was the best place for the Zionists to pick. Now they are there & have a population over 6 million. I don't think it is rational to think they should get up and move. I mean it's been a country for 60 years. Give it up already.
*Iranian president says Holocaust was 'fabricated' - See my feelings on Jewish conspiracies below.
Hitler salute greets concentration camp visitors - Yep, apparently there are some Germans who think they won the war. I plan on going to see the concentration camps before I'm 30. I am going to go out on limb & say if there are singing Aryans when I arrive it will piss me off.

Enjoy the rest of my random tidbits about the Jews...Some are even funny I promise.

1) What is a Jew?
Just for the record most of the Jews I have met were Atheists (Can you blame them?). This is NOT an oxymoron. One who claims to be Jewish can be referring to the religion of Judaism. However they can also be referring to themselves as Jewish in reference to their ethnic background.

2) Can anyone tell me how the Jews ended up with such a bad rep?
This is a people that has been mercilessly persecuted for like the last 2000 years for no apparently good reason. I mean they roamed the desert for 40 fucking years. How dangerous can they be if their directions to the holy land were that bad? Sheesh.

3) The Jewish Conspiracies:
First there is the whole world domination theory that Hitler was big on. Even before the Holocaust Jews were approximately one tenth of one percent of the population. The idea that they were secretly plotting to take over the world is just asinine. Like they were really going to bring down civilization with a dreidel & a copy of the Old Testament.
Then there was the whole ritual murder of Christian children during the middle ages. Most days I think they are too many Christians any way, so picking off a few once a year doesn't seem like an entirely bad idea. There is zero proof that blood libel against Christians by Jews was anything but bullshit. Though notably the Catholic church didn't concede that it was a myth until the Vatican II in 1962. Gee, nice of them to take 500 years to admit they might be wrong about something.

4) Marketing should rethink this one:
Courtesy of Ivory Valentine I offer you the Little People Hanukkah Play Set. The first accessory listed for this quaint toy: "Pieces include: Stove unit with doors that open". I'm pretty sure the Jews have had enough of the whole oven thing at this point, but maybe that is just me.
5) Thwarting an unwanted advance Jew style:
So, Mr. Robinson went out to dinner with a friend of his a couple weeks ago. While at dinner someone who knew his older sister in college recognized him (how you recognize someone who was in high school the last time you saw them is beyond me). She tagged along with them to a bar & then shared a cab with MR back across town. When the cab got to her place she leaned over to kiss him. He wasn't interested. So he tells me "I did the Christian thing and turned the other cheek". I thought it was a hysterical answer.

6) Jews Surrender In The Holiday Tree Battle:
For an absolutely hysterical post from an actual Jew, go read Davenetics' post on what words Jews are taking back in exchange for the Christmas tree. My personal favorites:
*Wildly surpassing a woman’s lovemaking expectations: Jewing it
*New York: Jew York
*New Testament: Alternative Ending
Paying Retail: Premature Ejaculation

I'm done with my Jewish history lesson now. I just get intensely frustrated when people condemn others for such pathetically stupid & inconsequential reasons. I guarantee if you talk to someone for 5 minutes they will give a good reason not to like them. One that has nothing to do with their race, sexuality, ethnicity or whatever other superficial hangup you may have. I'm all for equal opportunity hate.

(PS - I just won my 200th battle at BE! I'm feeling all Sally Field about it.)
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I don't have anything specific to write about today. However, me & the intern use to play QOD or quote of the day. It was usually whatever the wittiest thing one of us said during the course of the day. Since I'm unemployed now I can only play this game with the cats. It doesn't work as well. So, instead I offer a real quote. It's not witty, but thought provoking nonetheless:
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. - George Bernard Shaw

I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to do with myself & my life. It feels like change is afoot. Well, it's either change or I'm living up to my blog title and am officially having a quarter life crisis. Not sure which. However, if I start talking about buying a sport's car to compensate for the penis I don't have...Please send help. Preferably help armed with Haldol.

I was also talking to Mr. Robinson last night. His background & the fact that he has 14 years of life on me seems to be having an effect on my thinking. He doesn't let me get away with my overly dramatic stomp my feet & bitch act that I occasionally pull. Anyone who knows me knows I'm prone to slightly dramatic outbursts. If you can't shut down my drama queen act you probably won't be in my life long. The tripod will attest to this.

Anyway, my point is that I am normally a girl of action. Lately, I have been feeling more like a bystander in my own life & frankly I'm bored with that. I'm bored with excuses. Like the quote says you can't just sit there & bitch about circumstances. Sometimes you have to go make things happen. It's very much the "If a light bulb burns out do you change it or curse the darkness?" idea (alternately you could be catholic about it: Blame yourself for the light bulb burning out leaving you guilt ridden AND in the dark).

Nothing in life is an immovable object, so go fucking move whatever is in your way.
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I'd Look Hot In A Straight Jacket

The holidays do enough weird shit to my head without the added bonus of the rest of my life trying to fuck with me too. I feel impending insanity. This proclamation is mostly derived from the events of this past weekend...

Saturday: It's a nice day for a plane ride.
So at the somewhat early time of 9:15am my phone rings. I can tell by the ringtone it's Mr. Robinson. Yes, I am so smitten that he has his own ringtone so shoot me. Anyway, I answered & after a few minutes he asks if I'm feeling adventurous. Clearly this is a loaded question. No one calls you from NY at the ass crack of dawn to ask a question like that unless they have an adventure in mind. Sure enough he asked me to fly to NY. I don't mean sometime either. I mean in the 'Can you be ready in 4 hours?' kind of way. I don't know about the rest of you, but it isn't all that often I get calls to go have dinner & sex in Manhattan with an attractive, older, intelligent, rich guy I've never met (on his tab no less). My gut instinct was to go. I've done all the background checking on him I can & well, I really like him. I can't really blame him for not wanting to come to WI. I like it and everything, but it isn't NY by any stretch of the imagination. Case & point: I told him my house was worth two & quarter. He replies 'Million?'. Nope, here in WI when one says two & a quarter they mean $225,000.
Anyway, this strange request catches me off guard. I said give me an hour & I will let you know. Obviously I go to do what any girl would - Consult. First, I go to my mom. She was all for it. Then I attempted to reach the reasonable leg of the tripod, Black Eyed Gurl. However she wasn't answering the phone. So, I call the other leg, Ivory Valentine. Since her husband recently lost his mind & bought a brand new truck she was all for it. I got a yea vote based on the logic that life is short & it was only 24 hours. It just so happened that Black Eyed Gurl was on the other line. She was not enthusiastic about this at all. As a matter of fact I've never heard the word 'No' that much in one conversation. She sort of reminded those Capital One commercials with David Spade.
I did the right thing & consulted all the important women in my life. Then I decided to go. I called MR back & told him to book the ticket.
Well, after all this Saturday morning chaos he missed being able to book the ticket by approximately 20 minutes. Stupid airline security.
So, instead of a fabulous evening in NY I ended up playing Qwerty with my mom.

Would it have been so crazy to run off to NY or am I just delusional?

Sunday: The Packers won. Need I say more?
(However, to anyone who caught the game...Have you ever seen more hysterical refereeing? I mean there was a review that didn't involve being under the hood AND the head ref went out to flip the coin for overtime...except he didn't have a coin. Too funny.)

Monday: Today would be when I started eyeing up the straight jacket.
First I start off running behind for my latest meeting with a slave trader. I was going to get my orthotics (shoe inserts for lay people) out of my running shoes so I could stick them in the boots I was wearing to the interview. I go to pull out the left one & of all 1600 square feet of floor space in my house one of the cats chose the exact location of my running shoes to hurl cat food chunks into. When you are pretty much starting the day by shoving your hand in cat vomit it really is safe to say it isn't going to be a good day.
I make it over to the recruiter/slave trader's office about a minute late. If there is one thing I hate about recruiters is that even with a resume and what not they insist you fill out these epic fucking online applications with your life history just so they don't have to do it. After I did that, a large man with a walking stick comes into the room. Not a cane, I'm talking a large stick. He then announces he has to go to the bathroom & disappears again. When he returned & we began to chat I find out that he has the stick because of his recent full knee replacement. I also learn about all the meds he is on. As if I couldn't tell he was a little out of it? We had a great conversation. He loved me. He told me I had a great resume, I was articulate & smart, the whole nine yards. As usual there is a catch to the story. I was beyond perfect for the position. I could have done it in my sleep. He was dying to submit me except for one little thing...
My hair color was not appropriate!
I honestly thought I was hearing things. My hair is dyed, yes. It is NOT some wild & crazy color not known to man or beast. He even consulted with another recruiter who worked the account more regularly and she agreed that they would not like my hair color for the interview. However, after I got the job I could go back to the color I have now and it would be fine.
I was stunned. It was by far the most asinine thing I have been told to date. Who thought I'd top the midget story so soon? I mean, I don't even get a chance to talk to someone because of my hair color? What the fuck is that???

I basically left there more determined than ever to go back to school. I don't care if it's law school or getting my Master's...whatever. I changing my career path & I'm getting the fuck out of this backwards ass state of mine.

It just so happens my interview was minutes away from the local mall. In some bizarre attempt to inflict more pain on myself I decided to go attempt some shopping. While looking for a parking space, which are hard enough to find this time of year, I see a car pulling out of a spot one aisle over. I whip around to the spot only to be confronted by the following sign:
Was I not just ranting about this?!? What part of your children aren't special nor do they raise your status in society are people not getting?!?!? I am a fucking human being who needs a parking spot too you heartless mall planning bastards! I just happen to be a mall patron who is capable of using BIRTH CONTROL!

So now totally on edge I head into the mall.
Earlier today my best friend was blogging about her mouse dying which was suppose to be replaced by the oh so awesome mouse I picked out for her for xmas. Unfortunately, the piece of shit couldn't hold out for like two more weeks. This basically negates the nicest present I had planned for her.
I was completely uninspired by anything else in the mall & decided to fuck up my diet and get one of those soft pretzels from the food court. I get my pretzel & cheese and sit down on a bench to indulge myself. A woman with bags up the ass politely asks if anyone is sitting next to me & my pretzel. I say no & scoot down. Of course she can't just leave me and my cheese sludge in peace. She had to be one of those 'I talk to strangers' people. Honestly, I don't even look approachable. So how I got stuck with this woman I don't know. We chat casually about xmas & what not. Then I made the mistake of asking if she had a large family. She answers: "I would if mom had been able to carry all her babies to term".
Is this what you tell strangers in the mall you freak? Have you not heard of 'Too much information'. It isn't like I had a readily available answer to that statement.
At this point I realized I was going to have a panic attack in the mall if I didn't get the fuck out of there. I seriously think that during the month of December all sedatives should be made available to anyone who wants them. Valium, xanex, darvaset...whatever you want. Screw fruit cakes. I say tis the season for over the counter narcotics.

So anyone who wants to get me a straight jacket & a trip to a resort with padded rooms for xmas I am all for it. That way at least I can lose my mind in a safe environment.
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Rebels of the Week Award

Thanks to Blackeyedgurl I ventured over to CNN this morning & actually read the news. I have to commend these two citizens for having gigantic balls that make even me jealous.

1) The Cafe Crusader
Dan McCauley actually took a stand against obnoxious children. In true Midwestern form he posted this sign:One of my old rants includes the damning of children in public. I don't have a problem with kids per se. I have a problem with unruly children. I also have a huge problem with parents who think that because they have children they are superior citizens who are allowed to fuck up my day at will.
Case & Point: A few weekends ago I was at the mall. I was in The Loft, a store with nice clothes clearly aimed at women over the age of 25. The store had a sort of dumbbell shape. It was open on the ends, but the middle was a tad cozy with the register & randomly placed seating benches. To get back to the dressing room I have to scoot through this narrow part where people are trying to pay & what not. In the middle of the store sucking up as much room as possible is a mom, a stroller complete with baby & her slightly older daughter who insisted on playing with the baby. This large child creature was completely unaware of anyone's existence outside of her own. First off, mom had her in moon boots. It was 50 fucking degrees out that day. Why on earth is this child tromping through the mall in moon boots?? Secondly in order to play with the baby the child had to stand in the middle of the only walking space that existed. Does her mother say anything as I announce loudly "Excuse Me!"? Nope. Does the child move at my request? Nope. So I'm stuck there stuck between moon boots & a rack of clothes desperately trying to get back to the dressing room. Finally the child moves just enough for me to eek past her. The best part? I got to repeat this ridiculous fucking event on the way back out of the store.

So in honor of Mr McCauley I offer a Bill Hicks Quote:
This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going "what, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special ... ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you, that they're NOT! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of TWO-HUNDRED MILLION that load, we're only talking about one load. Connected: gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off my chest with a grey gymsock. ENTIRE CIVILIZATIONS HAVE FLAKED AND CRUSTED IN THE HAIR AROUND MY NAVEL! I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh ... what's for fucking breakfast?!"
2) The Pummeled Professor

Professor Paul Mirecki not only had the balls to quit his job as the University of Kansas department chair, but also took a good old fashioned backwoods hick beating for being against creationism. At this point I really hope most people understand the whole creationism/intelligent design thing is crap. At the very least it is NOT, I repeat NOT science. It is a concept derived from faith. Faith is by definition a belief in something that can not be proven. If the belief can be proven one no longer needs faith in it. This is not rocket science.
I'm not sure what is going happening on a daily basis in Kansas that the people there are not understanding this, but holy shit to we need to straighten these idiots out. However, if this keeps up I may have to start a campaign to annex the state from the union. This will simplify the problem. If you are a moron who wants your children to grow up to be as stupid as you move to Kansas & hang out with all the like minded ignorant fucks you want.
Problem solved.
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12/05/2005 & Sperm: A Guide to gift giving

I love Amazon. It is the great dumping ground for all kinds of things I want from books to movies to whatever. I keep my wish list as Amazon as sort of my wish list for the web. Anything I want but can't find in a store around my house is on that list: Strange independent foreign films, offbeat political shit, weird sex books....It's all on there and so much more.

One of the nifty things about Amazon is they point you at other items you might be interested in & provide recommendations based on past purchases. I thought this was a brilliant plan until I recently checked out my recommendations over at Amazon UK. There are a handful of things that are much harder to find in the US but are readily available from the UK. I am pretentious enough to order a book from another country if my country is too uptight or stupid (I can never tell which) to think it should carry a book I want.

Sometime ago I purchased a book titled Sperm Wars from Amazon UK. I'm sure I am one of the few people who felt a pressing need to own this, but it is really good stuff. The book is a pop culture friendly version of sociobiological research done by two British scientists, Robin Baker & Mark Bellis. Their research started with a simple question: Why is there a wet spot after sex? It then spun off to include all you never wanted to know about sperm, fertility, cheating on partners, rape, etc.
So what does this have to do with gift giving? Since Sperm Wars is the only book I have bought from Amazon UK it is the only thing they have to base my recommendations on. I know this because after every recommendation it says "Recommended because you purchased Sperm Wars"

Apparently my strange fascination with sperm competition also means I am into the following:
1) Half Empty, Half Full: How to Take Control and Live Life as an Optimist
How do you see the glass: half empty, or half full?; A bestselling psychiatrist explains how to achieve optimism; Proven processes to fool your brain into looking on the bright side; Ever wondered why some people always look on the bright side of life?
My response to Amazon: Anyone who knows me knows I see the glass as neither half empty or half full. As a matter of fact I dropped my glass on the floor sometime ago & am just trying not to step on the shards.

2) Cube: Keep the Secret
If you're interested in astrology and/or the Enneagram, you will love "The Cube." In a way your Cube is even more unique to you, and revealing of you, than your horoscope, because YOU create it; you dream it, awake.
MRTA: Umm, I don't even know what the Enneagram is.

3) Palm Reading: A Little Guide to Life's Secrets
How to read the signs of the palm and to interpret the cards of the Tarot
MRTA: You are right, clearly when not ruminating about the wet spot & things based on scientific research I like to bust out the ouija board.

4) Apple iPod nano Lanyard Headphones
What about my purchase implies I have an ipod of any sort? Clearly my purchase points to me as a reader. So unless I'm missing something I don't actually need headphones to get through a book.

So just a warning to you internet shoppers out there: Much to my disbelief, Amazon does in fact NOT know all.
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I'm Worried About The Tripod

If you ever read Plural of Apocalypse or Ivory's Unfinished Thoughts then you will have heard of the Tripod. The tripod consists of the only two women that are important to me & of course myself. I've known these two since high school & we are basically united by the fact that we are obnoxious, opinionated & relatively ungirly. For example none of us has ever sent a man to sleep on the couch. If you are a woman who does this & feel you can explain the rationale behind it to me go for it.

Anyway, that being said I am a tad worried about my tripod. Here is why:
I am not nearly the pop culture geek my 2 compatriots are. However in an attempt to generate ideas for a plural of apocalypse template I went to try this activity the other legs of the tripod have indulged in. I made my way over to the Gaia Dream Avatar Creator. How one even finds this site is beyond me. Still, I am a good friend & determined to make a template for Blackeyedgirl. So I go forth with my chibi creation.
This is the most unbelievably fucking tedious thing I have ever done!
I have created spreadsheets on all 250 of my cd's, I have edited things in photoshop pixel by pixel...none of which are even remotely as neurotically tedious as chibi creation. My head was pounding by the time I got this fucking anime creature an outfit I liked.
Here is a snapshot of the outfits you get to pick from:
Yep, that blob of a pixels represents 20 of the tops you can put on your Chibi. There are something like a million of these available. Then you get to repeat the process for each part of your chibi's body. The shoes are even smaller.
After several outfit attempts I did manage to spew forth a chibi I was somewhat proud of: However, I am left with a deep concern that this is what the other legs of the tripod are doing when I'm not looking.

Note to self: Get both girls books for Christmas. Long, wordy, war & peace type books...Anything to keep them away from the computer.
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