Sex & The Single Girl

Do you remember a time before you had a sex life? The time when you still just 'had sex'? It recently occurred to me just how much the mating dance changes during your twenties.

The Evolution:
Age: Under 20 yrs old
Status: You are happy to get any sort of play at all, you may be a virgin, you do not have a sex life.
Age: 20 - 25 yrs old
Status: You now have a sex life, it may be with one or several partners, you have become easier to get in bed, you still religiously use condoms, you start to embrace those annual STD tests.
Age: 26 & Beyond
Status: You no longer need pretext to have sex with someone, booty calls are a viable option, you base condom use on the respectability of your partner, you begin to fear becoming the old whore at clubs, you still embrace the annual STD test but begin to think 'This is why people get married'.

Let me explain how I came about these profound revelations. This is a series of emails between me & a 'friend':
"Could I interest you in getting a drink with me?"
"Perhaps"
"What if I told you to get a drink with me?"
"Then how could I refuse?"
"I don't think you could."

This all sounds fairly innocuous right? It's possible this is a harmless, somewhat uninteresting exchange. However, I am in the 26 & beyond stage of my sex life. Since that is the case let me translate this conversation into what was actually being said:
"I'm horny, are you available?"
"I could use some sex"
"I really need to get laid & won't be taking no for an answer"
"You are right, we should fuck."
"Good, we will have sex in the near future"

I am the kind of girl who would rather skip the subtly & just have the second conversation straight away. Unfortunately, I have to play the tact game just like everyone else. The good news is men are simple creatures. The penis is simply a dysfunctional light switch for the male brain. Flip it on & the rest turns off.

I never did get a drink, but I did get laid.

Piss on Parco P.I.

Dammit why hasn't reality TV died off yet?
I like documentaries. My favorite channels are A&E, Discovery, The History Channel, Court TV & the like. Let's be clear: I pay for cable explicitly so I do NOT have to suffer through the ridiculous shit on regular TV.

I do not want to marry a millionaire, nor do I need to survive temptation island, become a Hilton or guess who my daddy is. It is all crap.

Over the last year or so I have suffered through the horrible decline of my beloved A&E. I have seen the quality programming I love so much slowly overtaken by the likes of Intervention, Airline, Family Plots, Dog the Bounty (or in my house: Bunny) Hunter, Inked, etc. I recall a time when one could learn something on TLC that was not filmed in a garage. A time when Discovery didn't feel the need to get in on the home decorating craze. A time when A&E didn't even consider airing a show with Mindfreak in the title. Call me nostalgic, but these channels were much better before they jumped on the moron bandwagon.

I have found solace in Court TV where they still have a grasp on what those of us with an IQ above 17 find interesting. Unfortunately, I feel they are succumbing to the same fate. It all started with Fastlane. Why they felt the need to create an action show is beyond me. Does the Forensic Files watching crowd really seem like they need a jolt of high speed car chases & danger? Hell No. Then to make it even more depressing it stars Tiffani Thiessen. When will she accept that the pinnacle of her acting career was as Kelly Kapowski on Saved by The Bell? When Court TV started playing the ads for Fastlane I turned a blind eye. Call it denial, call it what you will. I could not accept the downfall of the last idiot proof channel on my cable guide.

Enter Parco PI. Parco is another one of these 'Look I have a fucked up family & a job' type shows. I don't know about the rest of you, but who doesn't have a fucked up family & a job? Are most people really brady bunch-esque and crave something screwed up for their viewing pleasure? I highly doubt it. As if the show's mere existence isn't upsetting enough, Court TV seems to have dug up the most stereotypical New Yorker they could find. He is pudgy, angry & has the bad NY accent. If Court is going to screw with my channel could they at least have opted to be mildly less predictable?

Let's review some cable show premises shall we?
- Dog the Bounty Hunter: "I am a bounty hunter, with a fucked up family."
- Family Plots: "I run a morgue, with a fucked up family"
- Parco PI: "I am a private investigator, with a fucked up family"
- Growing Up Gotti: " I am rich, with a fucked up family."
- Intervention: "I am fucked up, with a fucked up family."
- Knievel's Wild Ride: "I jump things on a bike, with my fucked up family."
- American Chopper: "I build motorcycles, with my fucked up family."

DOES ANYONE SEE A TREND HERE??
I am so sick of a culture that aspires to placate stupid people.
Creativity is out. Original thoughts are passe. Common sense is dead.
If you want some reality trying turning off the damn TV for once.

Abstinence Redefined.

On the heels of my tirade about the young & the sexless I find this lovely rant by Bill Maher. Much like Bill Clinton modern day Christian teens apparently have a very specific & literal on what constitutes sex. Much to my amazement the religious definition of abstinence has been altered to non-reproductive sexual activity (Read: God is ok with anal & oral sex).
My biblical knowledge is escaping me at the moment...Anyone know if Jesus liked anal? Or was that against the rules? How about oral? It seems like the kind of thing that would have been en vogue in the old testament.

This all makes me think about my 14 yr old niece who came back from Christian camp with a faux-hawk (It makes her look like a kewpie doll). Not to mention she recently self-pierced her belly button. I wonder if her ultra Catholic parents know she is on the verge of anal sex?

A Short Post On Midgets

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Will Trade a Turkey Slicer for One Sticky Midget

Reply to: anon-89738807@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-08, 2:09PM

Looking for a sticky midget who doesn't drink or smoke, and has had their shots. Must be Catholic and not afraid of water. Yodling is a plus. Serious inquiries only.

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I am most curious what exactly makes said midget sticky?
More proof that I am on the wrong planet.

Nothing is sacred to the religious

At 26 much of my childhood has slipped away, but I still have a grumpy bear, a charm necklace & a few memories in tact.

What I do not remember is Clifford the big red dog donning devil horns. However, there is always the chance that drugs have irreparably damaged my mind thus leaving me mistaken about things. Luckily, I found these helpful Christians to show me the error of my ways. I now see that puppies are the secret weapon of homosexuals & pagans who promote this red dog blasphemy.

I realize there are people homeless, starving, dying in wars, etc but we need to focus people. The downfall of humanity is clearly at hand.

But I Don't Want God In My Threesome!

The Young & the Sexless

I read this article a few weeks ago & was so disturbed I feel it is my duty to share the pain. Especially the parts about 'Tight nylon shorts' which are apparently a big thing for Stephen Arterburn. Can you say repressed fetish?

As long as you stay pure -- resist jerking off -- you can wear your masturband. Give in, and off it goes, a scarlet letter in reverse...I notice he's not wearing one now. He's not embarrassed. Sexuality, he believes, is not a private matter.

Does anyone announce their masturbation habits through jewelry? No. Why? Because it is lame. My mom does not need to know how long it has been since I have or have not masturbated. Not to mention I would probably never have the damn thing on, because oh yeah - MASTURBATION IS NORMAL & GOOD! Also, if sexuality is not a private matter then why aren't you calling Dubbya for new positions & lube recommendations? I am sure Laura takes it in the ass every now & then. Why not go hog wild & totally regulate the activity? I am talking time, place, type, length of intercourse...As far as I'm concerned people can screw hanging upside down from a chandelier as long as it is consentual.

Every encounter must be a kind of threesome: man, wife and the Lord. Without that, it's just fucking.

I have had threesomes, the lord declined his invitation. Thank god for small favors & staying the fuck out of my orgies. Besides if I was the one who got to pick Johnny Depp & Jill Hennesey would be getting phone calls long before god.

For single men, wet dreams, if purged of sexual imagery, can act as God's natural release valve.

Does anyone think this is possible? And does it count if you don't remember your dream being hot?

Women obsessed with winning the privileges of men rather than learning to enjoy the pleasures of Christian submission, men demanding the fast-food sexuality of explicit imagery.

The last time I checked I wasn't interested in winning the pleasures of a man. However, I am all for winning the pleasures of an orgasm.

He [Power] was a man known to be on fire for God. The girl - a "baby Christian," in the lingo -- wanted to get closer to that warmth. She did so the only way she knew how: "A blow job," says Power...The experience, he says, broke his heart. What it did for the girl, he can't even imagine.

Does anyone really just melt into a puddle over someone who is hot for jesus? And since when does receiving oral break a person's heart? Did she not do it right? Refused to swallow? A biter perhaps? Word on the street is those baby christians tend to be biters.

I could go on forever about purity manuals, masturbands & outpatient clinics for the horny. I'm just so upset that this is the youth's view of sexuality. Why on Earth would someone choose to deny their own sexuality? It is such a core part of being human. I am constantly trying to expand, not contract my sexual horizons. Have you seen 40 Days & 40 Nights? There is a reason to masturbate, there is a reason we crave sex. It's all part of being an upright animal. Why is this so traumatic for people? Fighting something so inherent in our nature is going to lead to a lot of screwed up people.
Need proof? Look into this country's best loved serial killers. I really believe if Dahmer could have gotten into a nice BDSM community things would have turned out so much differently.

If you just can't get enough christian anti-sexness also check out True Love Waits - It is equally disturbing.

Get Off The Bandwagon Already

There are 2 things I will never go in depth on in my blog:
1) Cindy Sheehan
2) The Pat Robertson/Chavez Debacle

Why? Because when it comes right down to it there are a million people beating these topics to a bloody fucking pulp. Not only that there are far more interesting things I could think of to talk about. Belly lint for example or why Im convinced everyone in Russia actually has a furry hat on at all times.

I could bang my head into a wall for hours trying to figure out why people in this country fall in line like sheep at the drop of a hat. Just because Katie Couric thinks something is worth talking about, doesn't mean it actually is interesting or important.

Ironically, I have to mention these things on my sacred blog this one time because Im so irritated I had to vent. There is only so much a girl can take before her head explodes.

Non-smokers Die Everyday

I smoke. I love smoking. There are worse things I could be doing, trust me.

I was forced to spend some time in this godforsaken, missing link town known as Wausau. Let me recap my friday night confrontation at the Applebee's Restaurant in Wausau...
My friend & I enter the Applebee's primed for Mudslides, a good bitch session & a few smokes. A perky blonde hostess informs us there is no smoking in the restaurant. Mouth agape I try to digest this information. Liquor, no cigarette, liquor, no cigarette...
While this is registering in my brain the conversation continues:
"We have a smoking post"
"Oh, you have outside seating?"
"No, a smoking post" the twit hostess reiterrates while pointing out the door behind us.
What the fuck? Smoking post? Am I horse that needs to be hitched up outside to said post? For those of you not in the know, this is a smoker's post:

Needless to say we borrowed the Applebee's phone book, found a more smoker friendly envrionment in a nearby town & promptly took our business elsewhere.

On Saturday we ran into a similar situation, except we were already outside. While enjoying peach margaritas & some mexican food on the patio of El Mezcal a family of four is seated at the table next to us. Upon their entrance the mother (complete with hand waving gesture) annonces 'Someone is smoking out here.' No shit lady. You can sit in the restaurant, the out of doors is smoker's turf. The restaurant gave me an ashtray so piss off.

Irritated as I may have been there is a bright spot to the story. On Sunday while munching on pizza at the non-smoking Rocky Rococos I pickup the local paper to read this wonderful, heart warming story on the front page! I congratulate Mr. Jusufi on defying the smoking ban at his 'private club' the Red Apple Restaurant. Damn the man!

Smoking is legal. If it bothers you I don't particularly care. Children bother me & I have yet to see a no screaming brat section, or a children's post outside.

Until smoking is illegal feel free to kiss my ass & pass me the zippo.

FBI's Most Wanted Meets Eharmony

Ok, Im probably one of the few people who has never checked out the FBI's most wanted list. This all changed today thanks to the Court TV website. I had no idea how much being wanted resembles the average online personal ad.

Take James Bulger for example. James is a murderer with an average build, blue eyes, a tad short and in his mid seventies. He also enjoys libraries, history & long walks on the beach according to his FBI personal.

Our next potential hottie: Robert William Fisher. Again, a nice complete physical description & picture. Rob is also an avid hunter, fisher & outdoorsman. No need to worry about that pesky first family as he killed his & blew up the house. Still can't get enough of Rob? The FBI has provided a quaint video of Fisher holding a child with a dog running around him.

Im not entirely sure how the remarks listed are going to help nab a criminal, but if you are looking for a successful, criminally minded date this may be the site for you.

Death To Coldplay

I have had a severe disdain for Coldplay ever since I was forced to listen to that piece of shit, fished out of U2's trash song Clocks incessantly. Now every time I login to my Rhapsody account they are trying to shove the X&Y album down my throat. Then the coup de tat that sent me over the edge into seething hatred: Coldplay Answer to Prayers.

Let's revist the lyrical brilliance of Clocks for a minute shall we?

Lights go out and I can't be saved,
Tides that I tried to swim against,
You've put me down upon my knees,
Oh I beg, I beg and plead,
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple of my head,
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed,
You are, you are

I am pretty sure I wrote a poem similar to this my Freshman year of high school. I believe I got a C+. An 80 yr old gray haired woman deemed my poetry average. I think she'd feel the same way about Coldplay.

Let us not forget the chorus:

You are,
And nothing else compares,
Oh no nothing else compares,
And nothing else compares

I could really use some help on the chorus....I just can't decide if Chris Martin is stuttering or if he just really loves incomplete sentences. Call me crazy, but to the best of my knowledge a metaphor inovles comparing one thing to another. I suppose much like everything with Coldplay, this was a half assed attempt at writing.

As if I wasn't already oozing with contempt for Coldplay, I then read the prayer anwering article which proudly proclaims:

"It's safe. It's nothing groundbreaking. It's comfort music. There are no sonic surprises...I don't even know that I'd call it rock 'n' roll. It's more easy listening."

Is this what people want from their music today?!? Something that proudly wears the badge boring & safe? Is there a Conservatist agenda to fuck with rock & roll? I don't like my sex vanilla, so why would I want my god damn music to be?

Music is art! The people who create it should be ARTISTS!
Fuck American Idol.
Fuck Souless, Vanilla music.
Fuck Dubya friendly rock.
Fuck Coldplay.

See what happens to needy women?

I am not sure which part makes of this makes me happier....

It could be because the reason the woman was killed involved post coital Sportscenter viewing.

Alternately, it could be I enjoyed the fact that he needed a hammer to kill her because the knife had bent while he was stabbing her face.

Ah, American ingenuity.

My Superpower

Normally I get laid enough to avoid having these kinds of thoughts, but everyone has weak moments.

Screw laserbeam eyes, or super strength...
I want the ability to shoot angry ticks out of my nipples!

I am not sure why this appeals to me, but it does. I think it has a quaint, unexpected & unique flair to it.

Pie Chart of Thoughts

A fun trick to play on someone you find less than intelligent: Ask them to breakdown a pie chart of their thoughts. Not only does this force them to use their brains, but it will also give you insight into why this person is an idiot.
To be fair, I have included my pie chart:

My New Tattoo

This would be my new tattoo. I love it, even though it currently hurts like hell. Damn healing process.

Why did I get it?

Well, my best friend & I had decided that it has been 7 years since our last tattoos. So it was already a topic of conversation when I promptly got fired from my job on Friday. Not to mention Monday was my 26th birthday.
So, in honor of my firing/birthday we packed up Adrianna's dad & trucked off to Black Dragon. In just a few short hours I had a new permanent mark on my body.

What is it?

Technically, the design comes from the unofficial symbol for BDSM. For me it is an overall ode to my deviant sexual nature. On the off chance I ever get too old to be kinky I have a reminder of my more liberal days.

I really get off on my tattoos in some very off abstract way. I'd say it's spiritual, but that's not quite it. Then again it could just be my masochistic streak reveling in the pain.

Dating by the Seasons

I have decided to date by the seasons. There are several perks to this system. For example I do not have to count on them being around for more than 3 months. Conversely, I don't have to deal with said person for more than the allotted time span. The dating scene is also simplified in that I only have to pickup 4 guys a year. Thus freeing up my time for more important things outside of my disastrous love life. The year so far...

Spring: Jay















Note this is an enticing creature. He is very intelligent, witty and incredibly flaky. In an effort to date outside my core group of friends (We're very incestuous) I met Jay. Since Karma hates my ass Jay turns out to be childhood friends with my ex's ex Jenna. Wonderful hey? Since I like this particular girl's taste in men I decide I can fuck on the outskirts of the group without too much trouble.
So, I begin courting him while my leg is broken. Believe it or not you can seduce men even with a giant shit brown cast booty on. I was enjoying this young man very much. He had a modded X-Box, was well read, could makeout for hours on end. Quite frankly the best thing I had met since I broke up with my ex a year ago. Then, as I should have seen coming, he disappeared. Like any well trained girl, I went to his friends for the scoop on what the hell happened. I was basically told 'He just does this, he is flaky'.

What I learned from Spring: The finer points of fucking with a knee high fiberglass cast on.

Summer: Kurt

Kurt is also known as 'The Intern'. The intern was my disasterous attempt at a summer fling explained in an earlier post. Kurt had many redeeming qualities as a summer endeavor. Such as I knew he'd be leaving soon, hence I could avoid all of those messy attachment issues. Also, he is 5 years my junior. I have never been one for younger guys so he was my trial run at craddle robbing. The jury is still out on how I feel about the young ones. Mostly because this one is not typical. He started college with half his credits done. I'm smart, I'm not that smart. I have never stopped having sex to finish an algebra equation. On the flip side he lost his virginity in a graveyard. This should have ended in really good unattached sexual relations. All I got was some interesting conversation with a boy who is apparently so use to having a hard on that it doesn't phase him. No 20 yr old should be able to function on higher levels while their dick is erect.

What I learned from Summer: Boys who read about math for fun think too much to fuck properly.

Fall: Josh
I will abstain from posting his picture until he leaves canidate status. However, since it is August I have to start thinking about Fall. Right now Josh has the most potential. He is in a polyamorous marriage. Unlike the Intern, he is 8 yrs my senior. We work in the same field (Techie geeks). He is attractive for an older guy. Plus, after this summer's disaster I'd really like to get fucked properly & without strings attached.

Stay Tuned for Dating by the Season Updates....