It's Not Hell, But You Can See It From Here

Basically I think if you give people about five minutes they will give you a good reason not to like them outside of their gender, race or sexual proclivities. However, under certain circumstances my feminist buttons do get pushed. This is not one of those instances.

I like to think I'm the good kind of feminist. I shave my armpits. I love men. My feminist 'I am woman hear me roar' tendencies only kick in if someone feels I can't do something because of gender. Now, these people who decided the term "Freshman" was misogynistic need to be shot.

It never would have even occurred to me to be offended by the term freshman in high school. Not only that I certainly would have taken it over it's replacement "Ninth grader". Isn't that part of the high school deal? You get a title. Something far more resonating than X-grader.

My next problem is the Amherst folks seem to have no problem with the term "Sophomore". In case you aren't up on your Latin the word sophomore breaks down to mean wise fool.
Sophos = Wise
Omoros = Foolish
So let me get this straight...I am suppose to be offended by freshman because it lacks the gender neutrality that gets the feminists all hot & bothered. However, I am not suppose to be offended by being called a wise fool. Clearly way back when they were deciding what to call students who had attained a certain level of education (clearly one of the more important historical decisions ever) they understood that pretty much any high schooler regardless of gender was not the brightest bulb on the block. Though any freshman or sophomore will tell you they know it all. I certainly did at that age.
My question for these people is simple:
How is being called a sophomore any less offensive than being called a freshman?

Another Buffy quote comes to mind...
"Tact is just not saying true stuff, I'll pass"

I fucking hate political correctness.

Ways You Know You Are Unemployed

1) You consider dressing up putting a bra on to go to the gas station
2) You fear leaving the house because it will cost money
3) You develop inane projects like obsessively blogging to keep yourself entertained
4) You develop insomnia due to inactivity
5) You masturbate during daylight hours
6) You don't eat, it's too expensive & not really worth the effort
7) You smoke twice as much as normal, not only does it serve as entertainment but compensates for the lack of food in the kitchen
8) You have deep conversations with your pets
9) You memorize daytime TV schedules
10) You take showers on an as needed basis. Need is defined by people asking 'Do you smell something?' or alternately you take one every 3 hours for 'fun'
11) You think too much....about everything

Where is my montage scene?

"I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe." - Buffy, the vampire slayer

From what I can tell women love their thirties. Therefore I have decided I want a montage scene from now until I'm 30. I thought I was doing everything the 'right' way to be wildly successful & happy in my twenties. However, something has goine horribly awry with the plan and I'm not exactly sure where, but have to hope it gets better than this.

20 - I was back in school after having taken a year off. I gave up my lifelong dream of being a horse trainer in order to be a responsible grownup. All this really got me was a crappy job in between classes and a massive drug habit.

21 - Decided to get off drugs, went to Egypt & outside that led a mundane existence that revolved around playing board games with my best friend in an attempt for us to stay clean.

23 - Had finished my political science degree, was unemployed for 9 months only to land a awesome job I loved & met the person who will probably go down as the love of my life.

24 - Love of my life breaks my heart, but I get the career opportunity of my dreams.

25 - Spent 9 months traveling around the US & Canada busting my ass to make the most out of my aforementioned career opportunity. Ran an amazingly successful PC deployment for GE Healthcare only to have my own company get bought out & then fire me for being sarcastic & unapproachable.

Since then I had my 26th birthday and got a tattoo to commerate my birthday/firing. The 2 things occurred within days of each other. My best friend isn't doing much better though followed a very similar path. She has a lousy paying state job in buttfuck nowhere Wisconsin. I have no job. We are both perpertually single & often overdrawn on our checking accounts. She has an apartment she can barely afford to heat & I still live at home. So here we are intelligent, educated, attractive young women who are rapidly approaching 30. There is no marital bliss, no careers to speak of and certainly not the glorious future we shooting for when we decided being junkies wasn't a good plan.

I have another friend who I adore that went the complete opposite route. She is also intelligent and attractive. However, she finished high school through the mail, has never worked outside of her home. She ended up with the husband that makes a six figure salary, a house, dogs, cats....the whole nine yards.

I just don't get it sometimes. I often aspire to throw in the towel, marry the first older rich guy who enjoys my affections & say to hell with playing by the rules. The rules haven't gotten me anything so far. However, when I read this it gave me some hope that should my montage come, it will get better from here on out....

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.
Andy Rooney

If You Want Clean Fun...Go Fly A Kite

Thanks to a friend I have found the most satisfyingly dirty indie rock band: Louis XIV. Their songs are catchy & foul. What more could you want? Legendary artist they are not, but still better than American Idol.

Before I get to the lyrics I do have to point out that the leader singer Jason Hill looks eerily like Ozzy Osborne...or is it just me?

Note: These lyrics are not for the 'making love' crowd. You know who you are. There are mommy blogs for that crap.

Paper Doll
We don't need to take off our clothes to get it on
Pull your skirt up a little bit
Pull down your top and show me a little tit
I said hey short girl you're like a midget
You can turn a phone cord into a widget
She said you son of a bitch you little bitch
I ain't gonna show you my love without a hitch
I said hey hold up sugar just one at a time
Show me yours baby I'll show you mine
She said oh you're so pathetic
yeah well so...you're so magnetic
I said hold up girl I know your game
Ah you want a sugar daddy you can tame
***
And bang me like the girls in Hong Kong
I know I know I ain't correct
But politics are so much better when there's sex

Pledge of Allegiance
Ah little Stacy Q
When she doesn't have a thing to do
She comes to my house
Well, let's keep that between me and you
She takes off her clothes
She likes to tell this boy what to do
Let's keep that between me and you, ok
***
She says you're such a little bitch
She says head case head case
Turn that thing around
Let's play a game when you hear me make a sound
Just go quite a bit faster
Pretend that I'm gagged and bound
Oh how I love to hear that sound
Milkshake milkshake I love to feel you sweat

Illegal Tender
You'’re taking off your stripes
Even your knees are nice
I'’ll tease you with a knife until you'’re screaming for your life
I think so too
And you surrender
Can I spend you up? you'’re my illegally illegal tender
***
I looked into your eyes
And pushed your buttons and levers
You said you'd see until we agree and kindly said whatever
And you like my loving better


Not brilliant, just fun. If you want to check out the album for free go to Id1g1t.

Amanda needs...

I'm not big on posting memes, but I am usually a sucker for trying things the interenet tells me to. I also believe everything I see on TV.

Anyway, the jist of this meme is to go to Google and put in "First name needs" then see what comes up. I found my first page of hits rather entertaining. So, I continued on & thought I'd share the ones I found amusing.

Amanda needs gnutar?
Amanda needs to be loved.
Amanda needs to be rebuilt.
Amanda needs a small config change.
Amanda needs an absolutely huge filter.
Amanda needs operator disk ownership.
Amanda needs to get help busting skulls, not new friends.
Amanda needs a wise friend to tell her that this too shall pass.
Amanda needs to read Barbara Bush's speech to Wellesley graduates given in 1990.
Amanda needs to be a kind of monster, albeit a sacred one, not just a flighty, chattering eccentric.
Amanda needs a serious love interest or must get involved in a serious journalistic
story.

As far as I can tell I am broken & scary. Not really the shock it should be.

Got Job?

It finally happened. My first blogger's block experience.
However, no worries I am not dead. Though I might as well be considering my week. I have been bouncing around interviewing at various places in hopes one of them will grant me the privilege of being one of the underpaid masses again & save me from my unemployment.
For those who aren't big into reading long, yet interesting posts I will start with the pictorial version of my week:
I actually don't mind unemployment most of the time. I also don't mind going to a job most of the time either. However, the part in between jobs where you constantly have to whore yourself out drives me insane.
I happen to be in IT so changing jobs is somewhat the norm. Plus I'm all of 26 and have by no means found my place in the world yet. That does not mean I in anyway enjoy this process. I can't imagine anyone does. If you do please seek psychological help immediately.

The process is the horribly impersonal email & pray system. Fuck, I'm still an Atheist. So email only for me. There is also the neurotic posting of a resume which has to be done. Though I have had the most success at Monster I still feel like a piece bullshit on the internet competing with everyone else's piece of bullshit. Through this tedious process I have managed to get a handful of in person interviews. The three I have had in the last 7 days have nearly put me in the looney bin. Let's recap shall we?

Interview #1: Schiavo Inc
The position was a generic deskside support position. The chance to interview came through the dreaded recruiter grapevine. After agreeing to an interview I was told to go to the recruiter's office where a pregnant woman was going to drive me to the interview at the company. I'm not kidding they warned me she was pregnant. As if I wasn't going to notice? or In case maybe I had a deep seated fear of being near those with child? As if it wasn't strange enough to chauffeured in the first place I was in fact chauffeured by a pregnant woman in a very dilapidated Mercury to said interview.
I had been told the company was laid back. In fact the job was only 32 hours a week, but the pay was so much better it wouldn't have effected my life (aside from more free time). Laid back was probably the understatement of the year. I think comatose would have been a good description of the place. The company might as well have advertised itself as Schiavo Inc. I was extremely overqualified. Overqualified to the point where I think halfway through the interview I was already bored. It's hard to get bored in a room with for people in under an hour, but I did. The manager was in love with me, but his 2 cohorts were not. There was a crappy excuse to why they didn't like me, though I honestly believe they were looking for a more obedient bitch boy type employee to do whatever they didn't want to do. Not really my style.
Speaking of groups, the trend of panel interviewing is obnoxious. I can't get the 3 people in my house to agree on who left the butter out. How can you expect 3 or more people to all like the same person for a single job. Good fucking luck with that. Which leads us to...

Interview #2: Crucifixion Corp
The recruiter mentioned earlier made sure to call and tell me that Schiavo Inc was not interested in me right BEFORE my Monday interview. With my self esteem somewhere around the fourth ring of hell I have to head to an interview for a job I actually wanted. Crucifixion Corp was much more my speed. A newer company chock full of driven people. The position was more of an IT analyst role. A job where I could utilize my project management & IT skills together.
A week prior to my in person interview I had the irritating phone interview. Are they trying to make sure I don't slip into old habits from my time as a phone sex operator or what? I think phone interviews are pointless. How uncomfortable can I be chilling at home smoking a cigarette (discretely of course) & shooing the cat off my keyboard? On the upside I apparently aced my phone interview. The IT manager had recently taken the position, but ironically came from the same company I did. So we phone bonded & I was in the door.
My in person interview consisted of meeting with 5 people, filling out an application & was just shy of three hours long.
Duo #1 Tubby & Anal:These 2 guys think I'm an idiot. Tubby wrote me off as soon as he realized I had breasts. In case you don't know being of the fair sex implies that I can't fix a computer. Anal drilled me on things that were so far out of the scope of the job I wanted to kick him in the balls & run. The position is designed for someone with a broad base of IT knowledge. Except I was getting drilled like I was an IT genius who has never had sex because I have been reading programming & network manuals since birth. If anyone who reads this post can identify the 7 layers of the OSI model off the top of their head let me know. There may be a million bucks in it for you.
Duo #2 Manager & Pressure Cooker:The manger pretty much took a strong silent approach during this portion. However Pressure Cooker was as prepared as Anal to drill me on obscure technical knowledge. On the upside he asked open ended questions like 'How do you feel about subnetting?". I know what it is, but it's not exactly something you can expound on. PC also seemed far more like a salesman than a network guy. Though his preppie geek attire made it hard to discern which he was.
The Finale, HR:I actually got along smashingly with the HR woman. Most likely because it was not possible she would have a question I couldn't answer. She walks into the conference room and announces she has some behavioral questions for me. With the way the interview had been going I honestly expected her to start asking me things like 'If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?' or possibly hurling pictures of inkblots at me. I even had an answer ready for the fruit question. Alas, it was not nearly that bad just generic crap.
Needless to say I have never wanted out of any place so bad in my life. The HR woman said something about a second round of interviews. I'm not expecting an invite.
Thanks for the dose of humility I will be on my way to the next ring of hell now...

Interview #3: Alright Inc
By Thursday I had pretty much recovered from Monday's fiasco and was ready to dive back into the search. I got a handful of emails & a phone call. The most promising was the phone call. Yet another IT analyst position at a growing company. It is a newly created position some IT support, some project management. The way it was described it sounded perfect for me. Of course I said that about Crucifixion Corp too. I sucked it up and dragged myself to the first single person interview I've had this week. This actually didn't go horribly. Though I was somewhat convinced the IT manager was on quaaludes. However, he seemed to have a similar personality to mine.
The best part was the how did you get fired portion though (& for once I'm not being sarcastic). I explained how my company was purchased by a holding corp & mushed in with another one of their recent acquisitions, I went from hero to zero overnight & was written up frivolously for being unapproachable (even though management never could give me an example), etc....He went through a nearly identical situation at his previous job! Had the guy not been a foot shorter than me in heels I probably would have hugged him.
I feel it went well, but alas I got the dreaded second round of interviews speech again. Why can't decision makers make decisions about employees in one round? I don't get more or less charming if you let me age for 2 weeks. I am not vintage wine, but I play it on TV.

So that is what I have been up to this week. Well, and spending a lot of time under my covers hoping I will never have to come out into the light of day again. Sympathetic comments only please. I can't take any more rejection right now.

I'm In Love....

No worries, I'm not dumb enough to fall for one of those boy creatures. However, I am a geek & in true geek fashion I have fallen for a laptop. Meet my love *swoons*:This is the new IBM, shit, Lenovo Thinkpad Z60m. Somewhat behind the competitors it is the first 15.4" widescreen Thinkpad to come out. Patience is a virtue though. Less bulky then similar Dells, it is sleek, comes standard with a SATA hard drive, has an optional titanium cover and a base price of a mere $799. There is the even lighter version, the Z60t which is a little more and only has a 14" screen.
My family has been diehard IBM since the days of the PC Jr, that was in the mid-eighties for you youngens. I will admit I made my fair share of Chinkpad jokes when the China based Lenovo purchased the PC hardware division of IBM. It looks like I may have jumped the gun a little. This first new laptop series to come out since the buyout was completed back in May is beyond impressive, well priced and appears to be retaining the high standards IBM hardware has always been known for.

More interesting posts will return after these commercial messages...

Favre-tastic

(Side note: This is my 50th post! I'm so excited I have come up with 50 things to say!!)

As a born & bred Wisconsinite my DNA has been gentically modified to ensure that I am a die hard Green Bay Packer fan. Wisconsin is the kind of place that has cancelled church service because the preacher had playoff tickets. I'm not a stupid girl fan either.
I know my players.
I know the game.
I watch NFL primetime.
I get bitter about our lousy turnover ratio.
I can tell you what a penalty is going to be & if it was a cheap call (I use to work with a head NFL ref). The women folk I know are far more excitable than most men. We scream, yell, do shots for touchdowns (though it's only tequila rose) & always can pick the Super Bowl winner (an intuition thing). Packer games begin with the ritualesque playing of Rocking Randall who dances away while singing the Monday Night Football theme. Meet Randall:

Anyway, the inspiration for my little football diatribe is Green Bay FINALLY got a win. No crappy skin of our teeth win either. We are talking 52 unanswered points win. So congrats to my football team on breaking through in fine fashion. I hope we can keep it up.

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY TO BRETT FAVRE

Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me

(or Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather Part 2)

I love the original CSI and would do William Peterson in a heartbeat. Recently I noticed there are a ridiculous number of episodes dedicated to offbeat sexual practices. Out of the three episodes that have aired this season alone two have involved strange sexual fetishes. I use to enjoy these episodes quite a bit. I still do but now there is a catch. Since the Collar Me ordeal I can no longer watch CSI with my mother.

Why not? Well, every time anything remotely sexual comes up I get my mom's version of a public service announcement on the dangers of kinky sex.

Take last week's episode, Room Service. It involves a man who accidentally dies practicing autoerotic asphyxiation (self strangulation). I made the mistake of coming downstairs right at the end when the cause of death is being revealed. I hear something about autoerotic asphyxia and hurry into the kitchen.

Mom: (yells out) Did you hear that?
Me: (playing dumb, petting cat) No. What?
Mom: On CSI the guy died choking himself, you know that asphyxia stuff.
Me: Oh....umm, that's not good.
Mom: You know those collar people are into those things. You need to be careful.

Thanks for the tip mom? I should have just explained I am not really into the whole choking thing because of an A&E documentary I saw on Herb Baumeister. Baumeister was an Indiana based serial killer who seduced men & then strangled them. It was all related to his asphyxia fetish. Ever since then I've been leery of the idea. Of course then she would have accused me of giving too much information.

The bigger problem here is thanks to syndication CSI has become the Law & Order of the new millennia. This means one can find an episode of CSI on at almost any hour day or night.
Some episodes I'd rather not bond with mom over:
Slaves of Las Vegas & Lady Heather's Box: Both revolve around a dominatrix named Lady Heather
King Baby: Adult babies anyone?
Snuff: 'nuff said
Fur & Loathing: The lovable furry & plushy crowd is explored

Not to mention the episodes involving midgets, the Association of Plus-Sized People, mother-son incest and all the other oddities the writers over at CSI love to revel in.

True to form this week's episode was all about a husband with a biting fetish...I stayed safely in my room for the duration of the episode.

Divine Intervention

Don't panic, I'm not converting or anything radical like that. I was reading Bonanza Jellybean's latest post & reminded me of something I thought I'd share. If you have a lot of free time like my unemployed self you may find yourself searching google for phrases such as "Butt plug" simply because the idea was suggested by a fellow blogger.
The best part of doing this is viewing the second hit: Divine Interventions

Should you ever find yourself in dire need of a handcrafted, silicone, baby jesus butt plug...this is the place for you! Order early for Christmas delivery!

BBW!

No, I am not referring to 'Big beautiful women'. The title refers to one of my favorite times of the year: Banned Book Week. Today is the last day of BBW and I thought I sneak in a post on it.


I love banned books for so many reasons. They are usually offensive to the religious right, they propagate things like sex, swearing, homosexuality, masturbation & all the other "evils" of the world. Most importantly though they are usually REALLY GOOD BOOKS!

In case you don't know anything about BBW, let me fill you in:
- Poor Judy Blume gets slammed every year. I grew up reading her books & though some beg to differ, I am not damaged in any way because of it.
- RL Stine's Goosebumps Series & Alvin Schwartz's Scary Stories Series are both often challenged. Aren't spooky stories one of the best parts of childhood reading?
- A Wrinkle In Time (One of my childhood faves) has been challenged for promoting 'New Age-ism'... Anyone who can tell me exactly what that is & why it's dangerous, I'm all ears.
- Go Ask Alice & The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn finally didn't make the top ten most challenged books list in 2004

I could go on & on, but the point is no book should be banned or 'challenged' (the hip new PC term for banned so far as I can tell). Most often these issues come up with books that are used in schools or are available to children in some way. The most important thing my mom did for me growing up was stick a book in my face as soon as my little eyes could read the words. Reading is crucial at that age. It teaches you words, spelling, and grammar. It stimulates your mind. It enlarges your world beyond what you thought it could be. It's when the mind is the most untainted & absorbent it will ever be during your lifetime. Why adults would want to take even one piece of that freedom away from children is beyond me.
I am sick of meeting people my own age who say things like 'I don't read' or 'Do magazines count?'. Are those the kind of people we want in our society? Isn't stupidity rampant enough? How many people say they can't spell? Do you know what makes someone a good speller? It isn't fucking spell check! It's actually seeing the words on paper over & over again. I have actually been called arrogant for having a large vocabulary. How ridiculous is that? I have a large vocabulary from reading books & I'm glad I do (I can rant more effectively). Maybe if children were encouraged to read more, regardless of what book it is, we wouldn't have so many inept adults roaming the planet.

The television won't teach a child one millionth of what a book can. Hell, reading is probably one of the only reasons why I can articulate my thoughts in this blog.

KP climbs down off soapbox...For now.

Bite Me

Even though the juggling date was overall a disaster at least I am getting two posts out of it...
I have made an important observation:
Men are the only ones who worry about "visible marks".

I am referring to the kind you may acquire while making out and/or having sex. I am somewhat found of biting or digging into a back with my above average nails. Sometimes one falls out of a bed or bumps into an ill placed piece of furniture. On occasion these activities will leave a lasting impression on the body. Notably I have never said to a guy 'Please be careful of visible marks because of X'. I checked with my few girlfriends & they agree that they do not say this either. As a matter of fact we are usually proud of any injuries received during a sexual encounter. It is a badge of honor. Yet all of us have heard this comment from a boy.

I just wanted to share some of the ridiculous reasons I have been given by guys as to why I was not allowed to leave any telltale evidence of my presence:
"Please don't leave any marks because..."

• I am trying to seduce another girl
• I have church photos tomorrow
• I don't want to look like a rapist
• I am in a children's play
  

Men can be such wimps sometimes. Can't they just be happy that I'm willing to bite them in the first place?